Posts Tagged ‘DWTS’

DWTS Finals Recap: Katherine Jenkins coronation

May 22, 2012 Leave a comment

No mercy rule on Dancing With The Stars I guess because Katherine Jenkins flat ran up the score on Maria Menounos with her last dance. By singing Katherine basically told Maria that when this competition is over she is going to go back to having the greatest voice on planet Earth and Maria will go back to reporting about baby bumps and asking more talented people what they are wearing until some younger version of Maria takes her job.  Absolute insult to injury.  I love it.  Great way to put an exclamation mark on an impressive victory.

I guess there are two other people in the finals against Katherine, but it doesn’t really matter.  This championship was going to come down to Katherine or Maria.  These guys are only in the finals because Katherine decided to deal a knockout punch last week.  This really is a coronation.  A mere formality.  If the other dancers had any virtue they would gracefully concede and just let Katherine sing and dance alone on stage for two hours.  This competition was really over before it started.  I don’t want to say I told you so…but I totally did…

As long as I can remember I don’t think my head, my heart, and my balls have ever agreed on something.  Every fiber of my soul is telling me Katherine Jenkins is going to win this competition.  The girl has everything.  She is adorable, she is dripping in sex, great voice, unbelievable eyes, bombs like you dream about, great dancer, smile.  If she can cook she is the perfect woman.  I have never been so instantly in love with a celebrity(or anyone) in my life.  I wish I could buy stock in Katherine Jenkins because this chick is on the rise.  She is going to be a super-mega star stateside.  So in my totally unbiased, humble, expert, opinion…the Season 14 DWTS Champion will be Katherine Jenkins and it should be like Secretariat at the Belmont.

It got a little tough in the middle there against Maria, but once Katherine started taking my advice there was no looking back.  Total team effort between Katherine and I.  All hail Katherine, Princess of Wales and Season 14 DWTS Champ and her coach/confidant/inspiration/future husband, yours truly…The Chief.


PS:  I didn’t talk about her other dance because honestly…that was my fault.  I got so overjoyed with the KO of Menounos that I lost focus and didn’t give the type of advice she needed.  Kathy, baby, sweetheart…I don’t care if it is the Paso Doble…nothing but hits babe.  Don’t dance to some boring ass old song with no lyrics.  Next time go with Bieber.  I should have told you, my bad.



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May 15, 2012 Leave a comment

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!?!  The Chief does it again.  My Dancing With The Stars strategies are getting to a Belichick level.  No, check that, I am on a Sun Tzu level.  When it comes to Dancing With The Stars strategy I am playing Chess while everyone else is playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.  I told Katherine what to do repeatedly, and the minute she listens she knocks out Maria Menounos.

Hopefully Katherine was scared straight last night.  It’s the semi-finals now.  Time to bring out the big guns.  And by “big guns” I mean her cleavage.  DO IT KATHY BABY, DO IT!!!

 I love Katherine, but I just don’t think you can take the high road to victory.  Right now Katherine is winning the hearts and minds, but Maria has America by the balls.  So the score is 2-2.  It’s time for Katherine to step up her sex game.  Use that cleavage.  Fight fire with fire.  You can do it Katherine.

The score was deadlocked for weeks on end.  2-2.  Katherine with the hearts and minds and Maria owning America’s balls.  In order to break the death match Katherine had to go down to Maria’s level.  She had to slut it up.  It almost killed her, but Katherine brought her maximum sex and it ended the competition.  Clearly loosened Maria’s grip on America’s balls and broke the tie.  Perfect scores couldn’t save Maria.  3-2 Katherine as a final.  The snake charmer salsa tickled Americans in jus the right place.  Rose up and gave her the victory.  Damn it feels good to be a champion.  Now Katherine is free to be herself in the final.  Just elegant and graceful as a princess.  We did it Katherine.  You and me together babe.  Next week is merely a formality.  Let the coronation begin.

Picking winners like it ain’t no thang…per usual. The Chief is wise.

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For the second time this year Katherine Jenkins faced elimination.  I hate to say it, but she is doing it to herself.  If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times….you can’t take the high road to victory in Dancing With The Stars.  The competition is all about conveying sex so pant suits and a dress that Catholic nun would find too conservative isn’t the way to go.  Especially when Maria Menounos’s theme seems to be “Sluts Around The World”.  This has been a recurring problem for Katherine from the get go and I have been trying to help her realize that less is more.  I guess you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her take her clothes off.  That whole wardrobe malfunction was terrible, but it was totally avoidable.  Maybe instead of wearing something from Hillary Clinton’s closet she should have started in that little dress and removed clothing from there.

Now…having said all of that…Carrie Ann…STFU!!! An 8? Bitch you crazy?  Just because the dress sucked it doesn’t mean the whole dance sucked.  I think Carrie Ann secretly hates Katherine.  Tried her best to get her kicked off the show and it almost worked.  Last night was the first time I ever really watched the results show.  Sat there in a cold sweat and my hands shaking.  I could barely even grip the remote control.  Two and a half hours waiting to see if she would survive double elimination week probably took years off of my life.  If she got bounced last night it’d be over.  She’d go back to England and be out of my life forever.  I can’t do long distance internet stalking.  I don’t think I exhaled until they announced that Laura Ingalls was going home.  Hopefully Katherine was scared straight last night.  It’s the semi-finals now.  Time to bring out the big guns.  And by “big guns” I mean her cleavage.  DO IT KATHY BABY, DO IT!!!

PS: ABC obviously only posts tweets from the very best smut bloggers…

Thanks to everyone who sent me the picture.

PPS: I don’t understand how people can be all cool with Chris Brown.  Guy should still be in jail.

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Katherine Jenkins is BLAZING HOT

May 7, 2012 1 comment

Katherine Jenkins just proving that there is a God.  There is no way a girl this perfect just happened by a random act of genetics and the universe.  No chance.  Some super genius created her.  Just an absolute masterpiece of a woman.  These pictures are burning up the internet right now.  Strutting around Los Angeles in those little flower shorts during the day, and then so sexy in that dress at night.  Unreal.  Just so hot in that see-through I can’t even stand it.  I feel like I should write an obituary for that dress because she absolutely murdered it.

I don’t know who is more rattled by these pictures hitting the web today…me or Maria Menounos?  Like obviously I am a little shaken by the fact that Katherine is everywhere now.  Everyone is obsessed with her and she is giving out love on twitter to a bunch of nobodies when I invented loving her like 8 weeks ago.  I can just chalk it up to her playing hard to get.  Just looking fierce trying to taunt and tease me.  Maria…she is effed.  Like Maria works for E!. She knows these pics are out there.  That’s gotta be intimidating as hell.  Katherine looking so god damn smoking on an off day, one can only imagine what she is going to bring to the table tonight.  Maria probably saw these pictures and completely scrapped her playbook for tonight.  Might just come out tonight and strip on the dance floor like it’s Argentina DWTS.  That’s her only play.  If Katherine is looking this fierce without even really trying then Maria has to know she doesn’t have a chance.  I am so intrigued.  Can’t wait for tonight.  This might be the final knockout blow to Maria.  She has been so resilient all season, but she can’t keep taking punches like this forever.

PS: If you are ever looking for actual dance commentary about the show you need to go here. Digital Spy knows their shit.

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Katherine Jenkins playing hard to get…I dig it

April 30, 2012 1 comment

I was scrolling through my twitter feed today and my girl Katherine Jenkins was giving shoutouts to all these different people.  Just a bunch of Johnny-come-lately bandwagon jumpers that haven’t loved Katherine like I have.  Literal twitter kisses to some bro in Louisiana.  At first I was a little pissed.  Like WTF Katherine?  How are you going to play me like that?  Like I practically invented loving Katherine Jenkins and she flat refuses to acknowledge my presence.  But then it hit.  It was so obvious.  She is just playing hard to get.  Hey Kathy baby…I LOVE that game.  I’ll play it like Lionel Richie baby…all night long.  I’ve got dedication like you read about.  This is basically how it starts out with every girl I have ever been with.  They just act as though I am no big deal and they aren’t interested…then I just wear them down with humor, dancing ability, and sheer determination.  Then bam…they fall in love.  So let’s see that rumba tonight you little Welsh Wiggler.  I can feel your better judgement cracking.  And just remember….

PS: Hey @RanAnderson from Chicago…beat it bro

PPS: If Katherine Jenkins’s type isn’t the funny guy with Jackson Harris’s face and Henrik Lundqvist’s hair then I don’t know what to do.

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Katherine Jenkins doing her best to raise my spirits

April 24, 2012 Leave a comment

Katherine, from the bottom of my heart…thank you for that.  After the Blackhawks game last night the only thing keeping me going was the hope that Katherine Jenkins would come back this week and really bring her best sex game.  Well…she delivered for me big time.  She slutted up the dance floor big time and it was just what the doctor ordered.  Don’t know what the judges said about this dance because I don’t watch that part of the show, but I can tell you that I felt it deep in my plums.  All tens as far as I am concerned.  Going the slut route obviously isn’t Katherine’s first instinct, but she knew that she had to respond to Maria’s stranglehold on America’s balls.  Big time answer.  Talk about just role reversals with these two heavy weights.  Maria threw America a curveball last night too.  Ditched the soft-core porn routine and really classed it up.  Pretty damn elegant for chick from Medford, Mass.  I feel like this is when Rocky fought Apollo Creed the second time and came out fighting righty even though he was a natural South Paw.  Then when the fight was on the line, went back to his strengths.  Maria clearly trying to throw Katherine off here in the early rounds before she flips the switch and goes back to straight up having sex on the dance floor.  This rivalry is as good as it gets.  Must see TV the rest of the way.


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Menounos vs Jenkins is the rivalry of the decade

April 17, 2012 Leave a comment



There are only two dancers worth watching at this point and it’s Maria Menounos and Katherine Jenkins.  Two absolute bombshells who couldn’t be more different.  This rivalry on Season 14 Dancing With The Stars is Ali-Frazier, Magic-Bird, and the entire Rocky series all rolled into one.  Just an epic showdown.  I really thought Maria Menounos was done for after Katherine just swiped Derek Hough right in her grill, but Maria Menounos didn’t hear no bell.  Came back this week just absolutely dripping in sex….again.  Maria is throwing her best fastball right in Katherine’s wheel house and daring her to hit it.  Maria knows that sex sells so she is getting down and dirty.  Wearing nothing, shaking that ass, making out on the dance floor, anything goes.  America loves it, the judges love it, even looked like Derek Hough was into it.  My question is…how long can Katherine just turn the other cheek?  I mean yeah…Katherine Jenkins got nearly a perfect score from the judges, but it was Latin night…which is supposed to mean one thing…SEX! Yet I didn’t feel it in my plums once during this dance.  I love Katherine, but I just don’t think you can take the high road to victory.  Right now Katherine is winning the hearts and minds, but Maria has America by the balls.  So the score is 2-2.  It’s time for Katherine to step up her sex game.  Use that cleavage.  Fight fire with fire.  You can do it Katherine.


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