Archive for August, 2011

Chicago Man Arrested for the 99th time: Father of the Year Candidate

August 30, 2011 2 comments

MAYWOOD, Ill. (WLS)A Chicago man arrested for the 99th time when he was caught using his 3-year-old child as a ruse to beg for money pleaded guilty at his indictment hearing Monday and was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Alberto Luis Alvarez, 37, of the 2500 block of North Harding Avenue, represented by a public defender, pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice at his preliminary hearing, according to a release from Riverside police. About 2:30 p.m. Aug. 10, Riverside police received a call of a suspicious man stopping people on the street to ask for money and begging door-to-door in the 7200 block of West Ogden Avenue, a release from police said. Officers located Alvarez pushing a stroller with a small child inside, and when they questioned him, he refused to take his hands from his pockets, the release said. He then threw several clear plastic bags on the ground and tried to run away. Police arrested him after a brief struggle, and found more heroin in his pockets, the release said. After identifying Alvarez through fingerprints, it was discovered that he had 98 prior arrests and 23 convictions, ranging from burglary, robbery and larceny to assault, drugs and smuggling, the release said. He was also found to have 10 dates of birth, nine names and five Social Security numbers used as aliases. Riverside police chief Tom Weitzel called the case “simply mind-boggling” and described Alvarez as a repeat offender “who seems to laugh at the court system.” Investigators learned that Alvarez had been using his 3-year-old as a ruse to try and get money from residents by claiming to be injured, the release said. The child was turned over to a family member and the Department of Children & family Services was notified. Alvarez was originally charged with possession of a controlled substance, obstruction of a police officer (destroying evidence), resisting arrest and child endangerment, the release said. He was being held without bond in the Cook County Jail.


Arrested 99 times!?!?! That has got to be a record, right?  What do you get for getting arrested 100 times?  Set of steak knives is probably not the best lifetime achievement award.  In all seriousness…its time for this guy to consider a different profession because he is a terrible criminal.  He has been caught doing basically everything.

Now he is getting arrested for bringing his kid to work.  Look, I am sure the last thing Alberto Alvarez wanted to do was bring his whining, crying, pain-in-the-ass toddler to the office.  Daycare is expensive as hell these days and if the kid is going to be tagging along, he might as well put him to work.  Try to teach this kid the game.  It’s clearly Alberto’s dream to become a great criminal, but he’s just not cut out for it.  I feel his pain.  I desperately want to be a professional hockey player, and the only thing standing in the way of that dream was my lack of talent.  So guess who I am going to have live out my dream for me…my sons.  When my kids are 3 years old I will have them up at 5am to shoot 1000 pucks before breakfast.  What’s that Junior…you’re a natural lefty shot like your old man?…not so fast.  Right-handed shots are way more valuable on the power-play, so if I have to tie one arm behind his back to make him a righty then so be it.  It’s every father’s right to try to make their kids achieve their dad’s failed dreams.  If they fail…it means that it was probably impossible to begin with…but you might want to throw the grand kids at it just to make sure.


PS: This guy has 10 different birth dates, nine different names, and five different social security numbers. Are his 99 arrests all under the same name?  I feel like he has to be well over 100 arrests and some of them are under other names.  That’s pretty smart actually. Having a fake identity to take the fall for you every time you get in trouble.  Probably not much use to me now, but man it would have been sweet as a kid.  Those bad grades…my other identity didn’t do his homework.  Messy room…other identity left those clothes there.   Broken window…other identity can’t shoot a puck to save his life. All my shots were sniped top cheese.


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This is what happens when The Blackhawks let other teams win the Stanley Cup

August 30, 2011 4 comments



Alright, so much for sharing.  The one year the Blackhawks dynasty lets another team win the Stanley Cup and this is what happens.


PS: Of course a Newfie dropped it.


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Obama totally kicked Hurricane Irene’s ass

August 29, 2011 2 comments

People were making this storm out to be Hurricane Katrina’s evil twin.  It was going to flood Washington DC, turn New York into sea world, and just completely wash away Boston.  Hurricane Irene didn’t account for one thing though…Obama swag.  Obama just stared that bitch right in the eyes and told her to leave his vacation alone.  Before you knew it America was winning the Little League World Series and Irene coward away like the little tropical storm that she was.  You hurricanes might have been able to pull that shit on Bush, but no weather fronts are destroying cities on Obama’s watch.

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Please Explain Why The Bears haven’t signed Lofa Tatupu

August 29, 2011 Leave a comment


Alright, I am more confused by the Jerry Angelo and the Bears front office more than ever.  What is wrong with Lofa Tatupu?  He has to have like herpes or something because he seems to be everything that the Bears need right now.  The Bears are VERY thin at linebacker right now.  One injury or Lance Briggs hold out and the Bears seem content going into the season with their current group of LB’s.  Tatupu couldn’t be more perfect for the Bears.  Outside linebacker…check.  Has played in a Cover-2 scheme…check.  Jacked up name that the Bears love(Ogunleye, Ayanbadejo, Azumah, Idonije, Omiyale, Afalava, Aromashadu, Tinoisamoa, Manumaleuna, Iwuh, Okoye, Sanzenbacher)…check and mate!! So what gives? Is this just another instance of Jerry being Jerry? If the Bears are waiting until after teams are forced to cut down from 90 to 53 players and see what else is out there…then fine.  If they start the season with these guys then it’s another strike on Jerry Angelo.


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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volumne One

August 29, 2011 2 comments

(IMMOKALEE) — An Immokalee man is facing a domestic battery charge after authorities say he gave his girlfriend a hair cut — while she slept. David Bustos, 26, of the 700 block of Crestview Circle, was arrested Thursday by Collier County sheriff’s deputies at home. Bustos and his girlfriend got into an argument on Tuesday causing Bustos to leave his girlfriend’s home, according to an arrest report. She told deputies that around 7 a.m. the next morning she awoke in her bed to Bustos shaving her head with an electric hair clipper. He used such force with the clippers that it caused a small cut on her scalp, according to reports. The victim told deputies that she immediately kicked him off of her and he fled the home. Deputies said there were several sections of braided hair lying on the victim’s bed.


Ok, so I haven’t done a Mid 20s Dating Guide blog in a while because quite frankly…I am out of material.  I pretty much put everything I know about girls and dating into like three blogs.  I am out of tips on things to do.  I didn’t realize until today that I know way more about what NOT to do.  Some from experience, and some from common sense.  So here is Volume One of probably an infinite part series about what not to do when dating girls.


So, if you have a fight with your girlfriend I would say probably the number one thing NOT to do is sneak back into her room at night and buzz off all of her hair.  Yeah, yeah its battery blah blah blah…that’s not the biggest issue at hand here.  Bro…YOU CUT OFF YOUR GIRL’S HAIR!!! Girls with short hair are disgusting, and girls with buzzed heads are even worse.  Exhibit A) Britney Spears.  I put up with all her weight issues, pregnancies, and scarring from her pregnancies because deep down I knew “I’m a Slave For You” Britney Spears was still in there somewhere.  However, the minute she cut all her hair off I checked out forever.  Girls should never ever have their hair shorter than their shoulders.  That’s just the law, or at least it should be.  Now this guy is completely stuck.  He can’t break up with her now. Break up and she is 100% going through with these charges.  If he sweet talks her into giving the relationship another shot…she will drop the charges.  So now this guy is in a relationship with a bald freak.  Back fire of the century.

And if this guy thought his girlfriend got pissed before when he didn’t notice that she made a minor change to her hair, he hasn’t seen anything yet.   Girls pay like $500 every month for some chick to put little blonde streaks in their hair and cut off a half an inch.  This girl will practically be living at the salon trying to salvage something she can leave the house with.  Guess what happens if she walks in and this guy didn’t notice that she changed her hair?  Godzilla times a billion!!!  All around failure by this guy.  I may not know much about dating, but I do know that if you cut a girl’s hair off in the middle of the night…that’s a no-win situation.


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All I have to do be an Olympic Sprinter is move to American Somoa

August 29, 2011 Leave a comment



Pretty sure Troy Polumalu could have beaten this guy while running backwards.  Bad day to be an American Somoan…



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Categories: Internet Sensation

Random Fan Confirms Jonathan Toews is Best Human on the Planet

August 29, 2011 1 comment


(ESPN Chicago)–

Jeff W (Buffalo Grove, IL

Hey Jesse, I have two separate groups of friends that hung out with Toews at Lolla a few weeks back, and both groups, completely independent of one another, said he could not have been a nicer guy. He wasn’t drinking, and he wasn’t acting like a buffoon. I find it so refreshing to hear that the public persona of Captain Serious is legitimate and translates to his private life…


Nothing too surprising here.  Wouldn’t expect to hear anything different Toews.  Just your typical Captain, Stanley Cup Champ, Gold Medal winner, Olympic MVP, Conn Smythe winner, Selke Finalist, stud, humble superstar.  Toews just does everything perfect, even interacting with us commoners.  I had a similar experience with him on New Year’s Eve 2010.  I bumped into him and other Blackhawks at the Hilton, we talked hockey for a good 10 minutes, and he was a great guy.  Gotta love Toews.


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