Dancing With The Stars Season 14 Breakdown
This blog is a week or two late because I wasn’t going to watch Dancing With The Stars this season. However, I realized that there are two things I love in this world…smut…and picking winners. So after I correctly picked the Season 13 winner of DWTS, and the Bachelor winner, I figured I owed it to the people to keep the streak going. Just a little insight to how I operate during this show…I NEVER watch the judges scores. I find the judges on this show annoying. So I only watch the dances and fast forward through the scoring part. I’m never influenced by what the pros think. Just using my head, heart, and balls to churn out winners. Here are the odds on all the Stars of Season 14:
Absolutely No Shot In Hell Division
Martina Navratilova: Already Eliminated
Most predictable first elimination in the history of competition. This show is about sex appeal and there is no woman on earth that understands that less than Martina. Best way to get yourself eliminated…dance like a dude and tell America that you haven’t worn a dress in 25 years. She released a statement saying how she thought she had a chance to win…child please.
Jack Wagner: Odds to win = Bazillion-1
My direct quote when they introduced this guy was “umm…who?”. Name recognition is key in this competition. So being an old dude who I guess was on a TV show and sang a song at some point is not the way to go. I can’t remember this guy’s first dance, and didn’t watch his second dance, so I have to go off of my notes which say “Seriously bro, could you be any more gay?”. Don’t know what that was in reference to, but it can’t be good. He is probably the next one to be eliminated.
Melissa Gilbert: Odds to win = 1,000,000,000,000-1
My number one rule for this show is “no old chicks”. So Laura Ingle ha terrible odds right off the bat, but the more I learned about her the steeper the odds became. During her little intro thing she just went on and on with some sob story. “I’ve been divorced twice and I broke my back wah wah wah”. Look lady, DWTS isn’t for the faint of heart. So if you quit on two marriages I am going to go ahead and say that you are going to quit when training gets tough on this show too. Then just when I thought she couldn’t be more pathetic…she comes on for her first dance wearing pants. Seriously Laura, you got out-sexied by the grossest lesbian ever. At least Martina threw a dress on.
Gavin DeGraw: Odds to win = 1,000,000,000-1
Nothing against Gavin DeGraw, but I seriously think I would be better than him tomorrow at this competition. This guy has absolutely zero swag. Looks like he is constantly thinking about what he is supposed to be doing. It’s gotta be natural Gavin. Don’t think, just dance.
Lovable Sassy Black Woman Division
Gladys Knight: Odds to win = 10,000,000-1
Gladys, I love you. You’re a legend and have star power for days, but rules are rules. And the rule is “No Old Chicks”. She has enough name recognition and a big enough fan base to out last the losers in the previous division.
Sherri Shepherd: Odds to win = 9,999,999-1
I have no idea who this woman is, but I guess she is one of the hosts of The View. So negative points right there. There is something about her that is likeable though. Can’t put my finger on it. She doesn’t have a real chance to win, and probably out lasts Gladys Knight because of her current show and the fact that she is a bit younger.
Eye Candy Division
William Levy: Odds to win = 500-1
No idea who this hombre is, but the chicks are sweating him big time. Watched his first dance and couldn’t have been less impressed. I thought Latin guys were supposed to have some rhythm. I could seriously dance circles around this guy. Girls voting for him so they drool over him will keep him around for a while, but he isn’t a serious contender.
Maria Menounos: Odds to win = 250-1
Maria is definitely hot. She is from Boston, which scores her points in my book, but there is just something about her that isn’t quite right. She doesn’t do it for me. She has some sex appeal and name recognition which should keep her around for a while, but I’d be shocked if Maria actually won this thing.
Roshon Fegan: Odds to win = 50-1
To be perfectly honest…this kid annoyed the absolute shit out of me. Teenagers are just the worst. He was just so cocky in his little intro thing. “You probably know me from my show ‘Shake It Up’ on the Disney Channel.” Umm no actually I don’t, Roshon, because nobody watches that shit. Get over yourself. Having said all of that…the kid has serious talent. Says he has dance training(which I thought was against the rules but whatever) and it shows. He is also paired up with my favorite pro, Chelsea. If he gets an army of teeny-boppers behind him, Roshon may just have a shot to win.
Donald Driver: Odds to win = 8-1
Swag on top of swag on top of swag. Donald Driver brought the noise in his first dance. Just absolutely killed it. I feel like athletes typically do well in this competition too. Driver has the heart of a champion, natural charisma, and a hot fire city blonde partner. Legit contender to win the whole thing.
Jaleel White: Odds to win = 7-1
Jaleel White has some real talent according to his professional partner. The guy is light on his feet for sure. I think he can possibly win, with one caveat. At some point…he has to embrace his past and be Urkel. America loved Urkel. I get the impression that Jaleel White is so tired as being looked at as a complete nerd that he fights that character with every fiber of his being. If he breaks out “The Urkel” in the finals it would be a real game changer.
The Love Of My Life Division
Katherine Jenkins: Odds to win: 2-5
As long as I can remember I don’t think my head, my heart, and my balls have ever agreed on something. Every fiber of my soul is telling me Katherine Jenkins is going to win this competition. The girl has everything. She is adorable, she is dripping in sex, great voice, unbelievable eyes, bombs like you dream about, great dancer, smile. If she can cook she is the perfect woman. I have never been so instantly in love with a celebrity(or anyone) in my life. I wish I could buy stock in Katherine Jenkins because this chick is on the rise. She is going to be a super-mega star stateside. So in my totally unbiased, humble, expert, opinion…the Season 14 DWTS Champion will be Katherine Jenkins and it should be like Secretariat at the Belmont.
PS: Seriously, Katherine…be more adorable. I dare you.
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