Mid 20s Dating Guide: If being attracted to this “psychopath” is wrong I don’t want to be right

(Slackatory)–The world is fucked. If you are single, you’re fucked. If you’re married, you’re probably going to get divorced, so you’re fucked too. Online dating is taking over, and it’s as bad as everyone says it is. The general population is morphing into lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdoes on the internet, and I did a little experiment to prove it. I made a fake profile on OkCupid based on a character I created, named Marla. Here’s what Marla’s profile looked like. Please note that in my profile picture, you can’t see my face, boobs, butt, or anything that would indicate that I’m physically attractive whatsoever.

So this Alyssa chick tried to do this social experiment where she makes guys look like pigs and to prove that we are “lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdos”.  Umm…well you failed miserably Alyssa.  Clearly you don’t get guys at all. Here is what her profile says.

My Self Summary: hi im marla searching for someone special someone cute ages 26-72. i dont smoke cig. dont drink. Socially i will. Or in a basement. like to no more lets get 2gether 2 watch a movie n see how it goes im a nice gurl so if your serious im serious. Plz dont smoke. I smoke my stress down n I have a big dog named Booty so if u dont like dogs move hes the king lol peace marla.

Reaction: Animal lover who only smokes a little and is down to party.  Doesn’t discriminate based on age. And is a little desperate/stressed. Also, if I know one thing about girls it’s that if they say “let’s get together to watch a movie” it means they want to have sex 1000% of the time.  You can’t just come out and say you want to have sex.  That’s slutty, so girls will say let’s watch a movie, or do you want to come up for coffee, etc.  Spelling is a little rough, but we are willing to overlook that for sex. So far so good Marla.

What I’m doing with my life: lotsa stuff going on right now prolly too much 2 list but lets just say im doing well.

Reaction: Marla is a career girl.  Has her own stuff going on so she won’t be dependent or needy.  I am intrigued.  Another box checked.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

• law n order is my fav show its like how do they always catch the bad guy lol
• my fav band r the dixie chicks- dont laugh im a country girl
• i dont read so no fav books lol unless u count star mag
• my fav food is 4 sure hot pockets

Reaction: Law&Order isn’t really my cup of tea, but to each their own Marla.  Totally not laughing at the Dixie Chicks. I am down with country music.  Great harmonies coming from those chicks.  Honestly, who has time to read books anymore?  I mean Marla already said she has a lot going on.  No time for reading I guess.  Her busy schedule kind of explains the entire profile. No time for spelling, punctuation, book learning, and barely even enough time to eat.  Hot pockets aren’t a bad solution if you’re constantly hustling.  Marla looking good.

The six things I could never do without: sum good beer, a lawn chair, front porch, cigs, hot pockets, and my dog booty

Reaction: Amen baby. That sounds like good living Marla.  It’s all about the little things. She has good perspective and is easy to please.  Not a material girl.  We can work on the smoking thing. Nobody is perfect. Marla gets more attractive with every section.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: Don’t get me started or ill be here all day lol i think a lot about mostly different stuff

Reaction: Marla is a renaissance woman and a deep thinker.  A broad spectrum of interests.

On a typical friday night  I am: Drinkin

Reaction: Girl just wants to have fun.

You should message me if: u r looking for the same stuff as me n we have similar interests. lets get 2 gether 2 see how it goes i like movies.

Reaction: Am I looking for a girl in her mid 20s who wants to hook up: Yup, check. Do we have similar interests: I spend lots of time thinking about different kinds of stuff too, I like dogs, and I like to drink…check.  I like movies too Marla we should totally get together to watch one(wink, wink).

Alyssa Kramer also tried to say that people couldn’t tell if she was attractive in that profile picture she used for the site.  Umm…ok Alyssa.  I can tell that you are reasonably fit and I was contorting my neck all kinds of ways to see down your shirt even though it’s picture on the screen.  Plunging neck line much?  Marla sounds like a career woman who has a good heart, is honest, likes to party, and is DTF.  If loving Marla is wrong I don’t want to be right.

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Can men and women be “just friends”?

 

So this video is several months old, but I don’t think I ever posted it.  I got into a discussion with a few girls on twitter who actually believed that men and women could be friends.  Nothing could be further from the truth and this guy from Utah State absolutely nails it.  Chicks just so naive thinking we don’t want more or wouldn’t take more if given the opportunity.  That doesn’t make us bad people…it’s just simple biology.  But here is the other thing…I think girls would be flat-out devastated if they found out that their guy “friend” wouldn’t hook up with them.  They sneaky know that these guys want to hook up with them and they love holding the cards.

The dreaded term “friend zone” exists for a reason.  No guy wants to be in the friend zone.  However, sometimes we will take what we can get.  Just lay in the weeds hoping that somewhere down the road you’ll slip up and make a drunken mistake.

PS: This girl was the hottest in the video…

PPS: Hey Bill Walton, sup brah?

 

 

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Yahoo! says about Pets

 

This one is for the ladies.  Yahoo did a piece about what a Pet says about a guy. I’ll simplify it for you.

(Yahoo!)–What type of pet a man owns says a lot about who he is and how he lives his life. When you meet someone who has a pet, it’s just not the same as meeting someone who is pet-free. There’s a good chance his pet will affect your dating life – especially if it’s a dog or cat, since those tend to become the center of a person’s life.

Cat

Oh, you’ve found a sensitive fella! And he’s not only sensitive, but just loves to send you photos of his cat all day long and post them on Facebook and Twitter. I’m not sure why this is, but guys with cats are prone to such things. Also, although Mitten the Kitten can stand spending a night alone thanks to her litter box, the fact remains that she gets very lonely when her owner isn’t there. This means you’ll be spending most, if not all nights, at his place. Mitten the Kitten needs him! Why can’t you understand that?

If a guy owns a cat…he’s gay.  If he says he likes your cat he is either gay or a liar or both.  Cats suck.

Fish

If your guy has a tank full of fish, he just may be low on the emotions, and is probably even “cold as a fish” in bed. Pets are meant to be cuddled, not watched! Sure, maybe he has some sort of allergy to furry pets, but there’s just something weird and “Dr. Evil” to me about a guy who only owns fish as pets.

This broad doesn’t know what she is talking about.  I don’t own fish, I have never owned a fish…but I like the idea of fish.  Not like a goldfish, but like cool exotic fish.  Fish aren’t really a pet.  They are more like decoration.  Like moving art that you have to feed every once in a while.  If the guy you’re seeing has cool fish he is probably some kind of wicked cool, rich, hilarious blogger…at least that’s what will happen when I own fish.

Parrot

Again, not exactly a pet you can cuddle with, but at least you can pet it and teach it to say things. A fella with a pet parrot is probably the type who’s really impressed with himself. How can you tell? Well he’s taught his parrot to say the same pretentious and cheesy lines he’ll try on you during a first date. Great. The world definitely needs more parrot douchebags who repeat “Hey good-lookin’!” every 10 minutes.

I think Parrot or any bird is a close cousin to the cat in this department.  If a guy owns a parrot he is gay 99 times out of 100.  That other time he probably so desperate and needy that he got himself a parrot to talk to at night.  You should pass on guys that have parrots.

Rabbit

The reason your man would have a pet rabbit is because he never had one when he was a kid, and now that he’s living on his own, he’s going to finally fulfill that dream. The rabbit’s name is probably something like “Rambo“or “Killer” to make up for the fact that he’s a dude who actually owns a fluffy bunny

When I was growing up the kid next door owned rabbits and he was literally psycho.  Just the weirdest kid ever.  Would hide in the bushes and yell like indian war cries or some shit as me and my buddies were playing basketball and sometimes shot arrows into my family’s yard. Like real arrows.  Do you really want to date somebody like that?

Snake

Seriously? A grown man with a snake? Does he drive a Camaro and rock a Metallica shirt circa 1986? Oh, you say he wants you to watch him feed a mouse to his snake on your second date? One word: Run. Run. Run

Snakes scare the absolute shit out of me.  They have my entire life.  I am man enough to admit that I have a fear of snakes.  Any guy who owns a snake is just trying to prove how tough he is. 

Dog

If he owns a dog, your man is loyal and can actually commit, because owning a dog is as close to having a child as it comes. While other pets can be left for an evening or two, dog ownership doesn’t allow for such behavior. But the major problem here is just how obsessed he is with his dog, because if he lets that puppy sleep in his bed every night, then you better get used to his dog witnessing your sexy times. Some people do not like an audience when they’re about to reach climax.

This chick makes some valid points about guys that own dogs.  Guys that own dogs are obviously the best, but guys that are obsessed with their dogs are weird.  Might as well be cat people.  What you want is a guy who has dogs that he outwardly hates, but sneaky loves them.  The kind of guy who complains about the dogs all the time, but then when one of them ran away he had a minor heart attack until some nice woman returned him.  You want the guy who would never dream of letting the dog sleep in the bed, or even the same room…but loves using them as foot rest while watching TV at night.  Hmm..where could you girls find someone like that…

 

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Mid 20s Guide to Dating: How to fire on Sarah Kustok

Look, I don’t want to hate on this guy because that took a lot of balls, but c’mon bro.  Your go to move is to tell her that you suck at sports, you love your sister, and say “I love you. You’re so pretty and beautiful“? That’s pathetic.  Girls like Sarah don’t go for the desperate Teddy Bear guy.  Sarah Kustok wants the alpha male blogger-type like every other hot chick on the planet.  So even though I covered what to do in this situation last week, here is a complete break down.

Step 1: Walk up and fire a slapshot off the cross-bar.  Show your power and let that noise ring like a tuning fork. Then turn around and give her a wink

Step 2: With your second shot you show finesse.  Sail a sauce pass through the air that lands softly right at the goal line.

Step 3: When Sarah comes over and starts asking you questions.  Act like you’ve been there before

Step 4: She is going to pepper you with questions about your talent. Be humble and aloof.  Try not to tell her how you used to beat the shit out of Ben Smith and Jimmy Hayes in prep school hockey.

Step 5: Tell her you’re a blogger

Step 6: When taking the shot for the grand prize, don’t clown around.  Just snap it in there with authority.

Step 7: Tell Sarah you just won a vacation to anywhere in the world and that she can come.

Step 8: When Sarah asks you what you are doing after the game, tell her you have plans, but would like to hang out soon.

Step 9: Take Sarah out for a nice seafood dinner

Step 10: Use your imagination…

Step 11: Never call her again.

And that gentlemen is how you court Sarah Kustok.  It’s not that hard.  You’re welcome.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Trying to have a “booty call” girl

The Smoking Gun— A Tennessee woman who said she wanted a relationship–and did not want to be just “a booty call”–allegedly stabbed a male suitor Tuesday night after he became irate when she put the brakes on his attempts to “touch her suggestively,” police report. Oh, did we mention that the two are first cousins? Erica Wilson, 21, and Jesse Brooks, 32, were arrested and charged with aggravated domestic assault following a brawl in Brooks’s home in Rogersville. The combatants are pictured in the above mug shots. Wilson told a sheriff’s deputy that she and Brooks had “gotten into an argument about the status” of their relationship. It was during the argument, Wilson reported, that Brooks “began to touch her suggestively and stated that ‘he wanted her.’” In response, Wilson told her cousin that she “wanted a relationship and did not want to be ‘A Booty Call,’” according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report. The latter comment allegedly infuriated Brooks, who began cursing at Wilson, and then allegedly knocked her to the kitchen floor with a flurry of punches. Fighting back, Wilson grabbed a pair of scissors and slashed away at her cousin’s face, neck, arms, and back. An investigator noted that Wilson and Brooks, who smelled of booze, admitted to consuming significant amounts of Everclear grain alcohol. Since a “primary aggressor” could not be determined, both cousins were arrested. Wilson, a Taco Bell employee, bonded out of jail yesterday after posting $4000 bond. Her cousin remains locked up in the county jail in lieu of $4000 bond. Both are set to be arraigned in Sessions Court later this month.

Ok, first things first…I erased where this story was from to make it interactive.  You guys have to guess where the first cousins booty call couple is from:

Are they from:

a) The South

b) The South

c) The South

d) The South

e) Other

 

Now down to business.  Guys…if you are trying to find a girl who is cool with just casually hooking up and being a booty call…quit now.  If you think you have a girl who is cool with being a casual hook up girl…you are a moron and you don’t.  I don’t care what that girl says, girls are NEVER cool with just hooking up.  She will say whatever she has to say to keep you around, but at the end of the day she is calling you her boyfriend to her friends and is planning a wedding.  That’s just how girls operate.  It doesn’t matter how much you want to keep it casual because the chick wants it to be exclusive and serious that much times a billion.  Eventually it’s either gonna be serious or your going to get assaulted and/or murdered.

I am sure this chick wanted to announce their engagement at Thanksgiving dinner, but this dude wasn’t having it.  The girl did what 110% of chicks would do in this situation and tried to cut holes in his face.  This guy has nobody to blame but himself.  The guy is obviously a slow learner.  Odds are that his parents were cousins too.

 

PS: The correct answer to the question above was…The South.  Specifically Tennessee.

 

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Ladies, am I too good looking to be the man of your dreams?

(Daily Mail)–Romcoms and Mills and Boon novels might give the impression that all women are after a tall, blonde, mysterious Adonis. But the reality is slightly less glamorous. Six out of 10 women prefer a Mr Average, a new study has found. We crave dependability, domesticity, a little romance, humour and someone who is not that much taller than we are. A OnePoll survey of 3,000 women of all ages, conducted by Orangina, found that women overwhelmingly favoured a decidedly average guy – aged 30 to 45, 5ft 10in, dark haired, a good cook, in full-time employment but with a creative side – possibly a part-time musician or artist or blogger*. More than half (58 per cent) of the UK female population said their ideal man would be aged between 30-45 with just 23 per cent demanding that Mr Right be in his 20s. Eight out of 10 women said he would have dark hair. While only two per cent said they could go for a redhead. Four out of 10 want Mr Right to be 5ft 10in or smaller, and fewer than a quarter want him to be 6ft or over. Orangina spokesman, Steven Simpson, said: ‘We were quite shocked by the results, to be honest. ‘The least popular UK male would be a red-haired, 6ft tall, 20-something banker, according to our study. ‘We expected British women to demand a sexy French accent and a staggeringly tall frame on their ideal man. Instead, we have discovered that what women really want in Mr Right is dependability, domesticity, a little romance, humour and an average size in height terms. ‘It seems the boy next door has suddenly made a staggering comeback in the popularity stakes while the hunky sports-mad jock we expected to see at the top of the list, is surprisingly out of favour.’ Despite their love of ‘Mr Average’, UK women still dream of an exciting (if not very original) proposal with almost a third (31 per cent) claiming that the Eiffel Tower is the most romantic place in the world to pop the question. Putting that much preparation into a marriage proposal is likely make it successful no matter what you look like.

*editor’s amendment

Well this explains a lot.  I have been single for some time now and I couldn’t figure out why. I mean I am putting out the vibe at the bar.  Just blue steel all over the place, sick dance moves, buying drinks, holding doors, and of course being witty as hell.  I really thought I was a catch, something wasn’t adding up.  Now I know, my face is just too damn symmetrical.  CURSE THESE GENES!!!  Girls want a guy that is 5’10″…well I tower over guys girls want standing at 6’1″(6’2″ with Uggs on).  I mean being too tall dark and handsome is the only thing holding me back at this point, and to think I almost got on the treadmill today.  Seriously though girls, don’t be intimidated by my looks.  I am very approachable.  Give me a chance and I will show that I am average at almost everything.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Chicks trying to get you wifed up

 

Stay strong bro, stay strong.  The kid is right…this girl can’t yell at him because she isn’t the boss…but the second you get married…she 100% is the boss.  I mean, I wouldn’t want to marry this chick either. I mean this is how she is before the marriage, imagine what she is going to be like once this guy is all locked up.  This is the danger of Mid 20s dating.  You date a girl for a few months and next thing you know you are over at her house and she has wedding magazines all over the coffee table with pages marked.  Obviously the first instinct here would be to run…but then you realize you’ll have to go without regular sex. So you pretend that you can avoid the whole situation and press the ejector button at the last second.  Which is nearly impossible.  So a  few more months go by and your girl has worn you down to the point where you’ll do anything to stop that yelling and nagging. Before you know…you are standing at the altar wondering where you went wrong.  It’s too late at that point though. You’re done.  Which is why I have so much respect for this kid.  He flat out refused to hear about marriage. He wouldn’t even look at her. He even tried to get his mom to reason with this broad.  So he went with the big guns.  The old Costanza move. He turned on the water works.  Good move guy.  Good move.

 

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Mid (19)20’s Dating Guide: Listen to your elders

(Oregon)–An elderly couple struggling to learn how to use a webcam have become viral video sensations after their granddaughter posted the fumbling footage online. Bruce and Esther Huffman, of McMinnville, Oregon, captured close to three minutes of themselves making faces at the camera and trying to navigate their new laptop. But they didn’t realise until the very end they were being recorded as she tried to take a picture.’Webcam 101 for Seniors’ has scored over 170,000 hits since it was posted on YouTube by the couple’s granddaughter on August 21. It begins with Bruce Huffman making faces as he looks at his image on screen. ‘Look at the monkey!’ he says, ‘That’s a pretty good monkey.’ Meanwhile his wife, Esther, is focused on the task at hand. ‘Did it capture? I put it on capture,’ she says, ‘Do it again.’ Bruce entertains himself, singing The Andrew Sisters’ Hello, My Baby, joking about their wrinkles, and sweetly compliments his wife’s ‘pretty hair’.

 

This YouTube video of these old people is going viral.  People getting a good laugh from watching these old fogies try to figure out the internet.  Well, maybe this guy would care about figuring out the interwebs if he wasn’t so busy spitting perfect game at this old broad.  His game is so tight.  This silver fox is such a boss I can’t even handle it.  The guy just gave the world a step by step to wheeling chicks.

Step 1: Make her laugh.  He went hard style with the monkey face here. She ate it up.

Step 2: Give her a compliment.  “Oh look at your pretty hair”…just too effing smooth.

Step 3: Be aggressive.  Chicks want dominant males.  This guy step to the plate big time and tried to slide her dress off

Step 4: Make a her a little insecure.  Guy starts with a little self-deprecating humor, then just tells her that her wrinkles are huge.

Step 5: Pop a Viagra and turn off the camera

 

Simply amazing.  This old grampa just gave a 101 on how to pick up chicks.  Some things never change I guess.

 

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volume 2

(AMSTERDAM, AP) — Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam. Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn’t excessive. The man denied they had a relationship. The court ordered her not to contact him again.

Here we go with Volume 2 in an infinite part series about what NOT to do in relationships.

Girls are so bat shit crazy its unbelievable.  Everyone has made a drunken phone call to an ex that they wish they could take back, but this girl has taken it to a whole different level.  65,000 calls a year is 179 calls a day and 7 or 8 per hour.  This chick’s fulltime job is being a lunatic.  I get that this chick is single and desperate and wants her boyfriend back, but she is going about it all wrong.  Kind of a rookie move for a 42 year-old dating veteran.  I mean she totally had the upper-hand in this thing on paper.  She is 20 years younger than this guy.  I don’t care how many blue pills he is popping, I guarantee chicks aren’t beating down his door to hop in bed with a 62 year-old dude with gray hair, flabby skin, and old…balls…gross.  When flirting over the phone you NEVER want to be the last one to communicate(and you definitely don’t want to be the last one to communicate 65,000 times in a row).  I definitely learned this lesson the one the hard way(more than once).  I’ll be texting back and forth with a girl and she’ll be just eating up my jokes. Just flirty LOLs and HAHAHAHAs all over the place.  Then the convo clearly comes to end point but instead of playing it smooth and leave her wanting more…I come back with something stupid like “So…what are you up to this weekend?” and…crickets. Just kills all momentum.  One text too many and its over before it even started.  If this girl wasn’t so effing crazy(just a hypothetical, she’s a chick so of course she is crazy) she could’ve had this old guy back in a minute.  Tone down the crazy and make him think it was his idea.  This guy knows that he doesn’t have a lot of options and if a chick can stand his presence for a minute he should hold on to her like grim death…which isn’t far off.

PS: This chick is probably getting recruited like mad by tele-marketing companies.  Dial, click, dial, all day long with no bathroom breaks.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volumne One

(IMMOKALEE) — An Immokalee man is facing a domestic battery charge after authorities say he gave his girlfriend a hair cut — while she slept. David Bustos, 26, of the 700 block of Crestview Circle, was arrested Thursday by Collier County sheriff’s deputies at home. Bustos and his girlfriend got into an argument on Tuesday causing Bustos to leave his girlfriend’s home, according to an arrest report. She told deputies that around 7 a.m. the next morning she awoke in her bed to Bustos shaving her head with an electric hair clipper. He used such force with the clippers that it caused a small cut on her scalp, according to reports. The victim told deputies that she immediately kicked him off of her and he fled the home. Deputies said there were several sections of braided hair lying on the victim’s bed.

 

Ok, so I haven’t done a Mid 20s Dating Guide blog in a while because quite frankly…I am out of material.  I pretty much put everything I know about girls and dating into like three blogs.  I am out of tips on things to do.  I didn’t realize until today that I know way more about what NOT to do.  Some from experience, and some from common sense.  So here is Volume One of probably an infinite part series about what not to do when dating girls.

 

So, if you have a fight with your girlfriend I would say probably the number one thing NOT to do is sneak back into her room at night and buzz off all of her hair.  Yeah, yeah its battery blah blah blah…that’s not the biggest issue at hand here.  Bro…YOU CUT OFF YOUR GIRL’S HAIR!!! Girls with short hair are disgusting, and girls with buzzed heads are even worse.  Exhibit A) Britney Spears.  I put up with all her weight issues, pregnancies, and scarring from her pregnancies because deep down I knew “I’m a Slave For You” Britney Spears was still in there somewhere.  However, the minute she cut all her hair off I checked out forever.  Girls should never ever have their hair shorter than their shoulders.  That’s just the law, or at least it should be.  Now this guy is completely stuck.  He can’t break up with her now. Break up and she is 100% going through with these charges.  If he sweet talks her into giving the relationship another shot…she will drop the charges.  So now this guy is in a relationship with a bald freak.  Back fire of the century.

And if this guy thought his girlfriend got pissed before when he didn’t notice that she made a minor change to her hair, he hasn’t seen anything yet.   Girls pay like $500 every month for some chick to put little blonde streaks in their hair and cut off a half an inch.  This girl will practically be living at the salon trying to salvage something she can leave the house with.  Guess what happens if she walks in and this guy didn’t notice that she changed her hair?  Godzilla times a billion!!!  All around failure by this guy.  I may not know much about dating, but I do know that if you cut a girl’s hair off in the middle of the night…that’s a no-win situation.

 

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