Chicago proves once again that we can do anything

(CHICAGO) — A Chicago company said Tuesday it has created the world’s largest chocolate bar at 12,000 pounds. The company, World’s Finest Chocolate, said the 6-ton bar measures nearly 3 feet high and 21 feet long. The bar is to be unveiled before a World Guinness Record judge before beginning a cross country tour of schools. The tour is part of the company’s “Think Big, Eat Smart” campaign, bringing to life the concept of “portion distortion,” the company said. The company said the bar will provide 209,000 1-ounce servings — enough servings for every fan in Chicago’s Wrigley Field, U.S. Cellular Field, Soldier Field and United Center with 45,000 leftovers.

In your face Switzerland.  That’s how the City of Big Shoulders does chocolate.  A candy bar big enough for every depressed chick in the city.

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Chicago Man Arrested for the 99th time: Father of the Year Candidate

MAYWOOD, Ill. (WLS) – A Chicago man arrested for the 99th time when he was caught using his 3-year-old child as a ruse to beg for money pleaded guilty at his indictment hearing Monday and was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Alberto Luis Alvarez, 37, of the 2500 block of North Harding Avenue, represented by a public defender, pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice at his preliminary hearing, according to a release from Riverside police. About 2:30 p.m. Aug. 10, Riverside police received a call of a suspicious man stopping people on the street to ask for money and begging door-to-door in the 7200 block of West Ogden Avenue, a release from police said. Officers located Alvarez pushing a stroller with a small child inside, and when they questioned him, he refused to take his hands from his pockets, the release said. He then threw several clear plastic bags on the ground and tried to run away. Police arrested him after a brief struggle, and found more heroin in his pockets, the release said. After identifying Alvarez through fingerprints, it was discovered that he had 98 prior arrests and 23 convictions, ranging from burglary, robbery and larceny to assault, drugs and smuggling, the release said. He was also found to have 10 dates of birth, nine names and five Social Security numbers used as aliases. Riverside police chief Tom Weitzel called the case “simply mind-boggling” and described Alvarez as a repeat offender “who seems to laugh at the court system.” Investigators learned that Alvarez had been using his 3-year-old as a ruse to try and get money from residents by claiming to be injured, the release said. The child was turned over to a family member and the Department of Children & family Services was notified. Alvarez was originally charged with possession of a controlled substance, obstruction of a police officer (destroying evidence), resisting arrest and child endangerment, the release said. He was being held without bond in the Cook County Jail.

 

Arrested 99 times!?!?! That has got to be a record, right?  What do you get for getting arrested 100 times?  Set of steak knives is probably not the best lifetime achievement award.  In all seriousness…its time for this guy to consider a different profession because he is a terrible criminal.  He has been caught doing basically everything.

Now he is getting arrested for bringing his kid to work.  Look, I am sure the last thing Alberto Alvarez wanted to do was bring his whining, crying, pain-in-the-ass toddler to the office.  Daycare is expensive as hell these days and if the kid is going to be tagging along, he might as well put him to work.  Try to teach this kid the game.  It’s clearly Alberto’s dream to become a great criminal, but he’s just not cut out for it.  I feel his pain.  I desperately want to be a professional hockey player, and the only thing standing in the way of that dream was my lack of talent.  So guess who I am going to have live out my dream for me…my sons.  When my kids are 3 years old I will have them up at 5am to shoot 1000 pucks before breakfast.  What’s that Junior…you’re a natural lefty shot like your old man?…not so fast.  Right-handed shots are way more valuable on the power-play, so if I have to tie one arm behind his back to make him a righty then so be it.  It’s every father’s right to try to make their kids achieve their dad’s failed dreams.  If they fail…it means that it was probably impossible to begin with…but you might want to throw the grand kids at it just to make sure.

 

PS: This guy has 10 different birth dates, nine different names, and five different social security numbers. Are his 99 arrests all under the same name?  I feel like he has to be well over 100 arrests and some of them are under other names.  That’s pretty smart actually. Having a fake identity to take the fall for you every time you get in trouble.  Probably not much use to me now, but man it would have been sweet as a kid.  Those bad grades…my other identity didn’t do his homework.  Messy room…other identity left those clothes there.   Broken window…other identity can’t shoot a puck to save his life. All my shots were sniped top cheese.

 

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Oh poor Puerto Rico has sharks swimming in the streets…boo hoo. That’s nothing compared to the mutant killers in Lake Michigan

Everyone and their mother is freaking out about how Hurricane Irene is the deadliest hurricane ever because its dropping sharks in people’s driveways or whatever down in Puerto Rico. So people in New York and Boston are freaking out like a bunch of bitches per usual. “Holy deah gawd!!! What if a wicked big gawd damn shahk swims right next to my cah? I could be just driving up Comm Ave about to give it the fingah, but then it might bite my ahm off. Call the National Gauhd!!!“. Earthquakes, hurricanes, sharks oh my!!! What a bunch of little bitches. Those guys have NO IDEA what real problems are. You know what is like a billion times worse than a shark…a Lamprey. What’s a Lamprey you ask…it can most accurately be described as the scariest mother-fucker on the planet…

(wikipedia)–Adults physically resemble eels, in that they have no scales, and can range anywhere from 13 to 100 centimetres (5 to 40 inches) long. Lacking paired fins, adult lampreys have large eyes, one nostril on the top of the head, and seven gill pores on each side of the head. The unique morphological characteristics of lampreys, such as their cartilaginous skeleton, suggest that they are the sister taxon (see cladistics) of all living jawed vertebrates (gnathostomes), and are usually considered the most basal group of the Vertebrata. They feed on prey as adults by attaching their mouthparts to the target animal’s body, then using their teeth to cut through surface tissues until they reach blood and body fluid.

(io9.com)–Lampreys are parasites that look like slimy eels with mouths that are ringed with several layers of jagged teeth. In some areas, like the Great Lakes of the United States, they’ve become an invasive pest that kills local trout and other valuable fish. So Michigan State researchers decided to come up with a foolproof lamprey repellant. After discarding several ideas, they hit upon the idea that nothing is scarier than smelling your own dead. So they whipped up a fluid that they describe as a “semiochemical mixture produced by the putrefying carcasses of sea lampreys.” Yes, they liquified rotting sea lampreys and poured the goo into a bathtub full of perfectly innocent lampreys.

Thanks a lot Michigan State scientists. If you dump Lamprey repellent on the Michigan side of the Lake guess where all of your flesh-eating vampire eels are going to go…right to North Ave Beach. So while Boston and NYC are crying because they could get a shark in their streets, Chicago DOES have mutants making a beeline for our shore. Those guys don’t know what real problems are. I would take a bath with shark before I would get into Lake Michigan with lampreys swimming around. Which sucks because Chicago is a summer city and needs summer dollars

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Wait, Lolla is Woodstock? Redhead tweeks the F out on Acid at Lollapalooza

 

 

So full disclosure, I didn’t go to Lollapalooza.  I am not even sure if I am spelling that right.  I have never been.  Its one of those events that I get all excited for as summer approaches, then bands get announced, then tickets go on sale, then I back out last-minute because I have heard of like 10 bands on the list that are playing in the three days.  Then Lolla actually starts and I instantly regret not going because everyone is going so I feel like I should too.

 

Well, I thought I was regretting not going yesterday, but then I saw this video and I am REALLY regretting not going.  I mean would put this guy tripping out on acid against any acid trip out from the 60s.  Mud, no pants, fannie pack, grabbing at some dude’s leg, attacking the camera man…this thing had it all.  To think I could have witnessed the best freak out of this Millenium makes my stomach flip.

 

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Bears Clinch Second Place in NFC North and Cutler Is No Longer The Fattest QB in Division

 

I hate to hate a Chicago guy like Donovan McNabb, but he just plain sucks.  The Vikings trading for McNabb is the best thing that ever could have happened for the Bears.  If the Vikings had been able to get someone like Hasselback to be Christian Ponder’s stable pony this year then the Vikings could have been a challenge.  Instead they traded for a washed up, noodle arm, fat guy who is delaying the deal to the Vikings because “they aren’t showing him enough love”.  McNabb sucks so bad that he got benched for Rex Grossman.  The Vikings are a joke.  Sidney Rice should get on the first plane out of town and Adrian Peterson should follow him next year. The Vikings’ stadium is so tired of having bad football that it tried to kill itself last year.  Lions will finish ahead of Minnesota this season, remember where you heard it.

 

PS: The Vikings only gave a 6th round pick to Washington to get McNabb.  I feel like McNabb is the sports world equivalent of the MySpace. MySpace was cool for a while around 2005. MySpace sells for $550m in like 2006 and sold this year for $35m.  Washington trades a 2nd and a 4th round draft pick for McNabb last year and turns around deals him for a 6th rounder 16 months later.  I am not sure which franchise is more pathetic, Washington for giving a shit load for him when there was a chance he was still good, or Minnesota for thinking that he is STILL good.

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Exit Devin Aromashoudu and Enter Dane Sazenbacher: Bears Wide Receivers

I am really glad that I never learned how to spell Devin Aromoshidu’s name.  That would have been a complete waste of time.  Just when I thought I was in the clear spelling wise, the Bears signed undrafted free agent Wide Receiver out of Ohio State, Dane Sazenbacher.  I really like Dane Sazenbacher.  He was so good at Ohio State that he even managed to make a dumbass like Terrell Pryor look good.  I think he makes the team and gives the Bears a nice special teams player and possession type receiver.

PS: What is the over/under on Wes Welker comparisons for Sazenbacher during training camp?  3000? 10000?  I am really tired of every white receiver being called the next Wes Welker.

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Who needs Plaxico Burress, Randy Moss or Santonio Holmes when Brd. Smith is Available?

Day one of NFL free agency and Jerry Angelo is already disappointing me.  Rumors are swirling that the Bears will add to their receiving core like everyone has been begging for.  The Bears have a TON of cap space.  Some of the most in the league.  They  could easily target a game breaking wide receiver like Plaxico Burress, Randy Moss, Santana Moss, or Santonio Holmes.  So who are they going after…Brad Smith.  Are the Bears really in need of a former option quarterback who played a lot of wildcat for the Jets? Brad Smith had 4 catches last year.  What would be the point of signing him?!?! UGH ANGELO MAKES ME SO MAD.  It only took a day for me to want him fired again.

 

PS: Of all the guys listed above Santonio Holmes seems like he would be a perfect fit for the Martz offense.

 

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Toews Just Blew Smoke In Cutler’s Eye

While Jay Cutler was probably moping around about losing out on Kristin Cavallari(As opposed to just his regular moping), Jonathan Toews shows up to Wrigley with a smoke on his arm.  Shot across Jay Cutler’s bow for sure.

Toews’ girlfriend is Gabrielle Valasquez I guess.  Never heard of her, but she is really hot.  I would never be able to talk to that girl.  Having said that…I don’t think she is hot enough for Toews.  Jonathan Toews is a stud.  Captain+Chicago+Stanley Cup+Conn Smythe+Gold Medal+Olympics MVP+Movie Star Good Looks=That he should be wheeling Doutzen Krous or some A-list chick.

PS: Toews owns Chicago.  Best athlete in the city and shows up in the summer to Wrigley wearing Bears hat. That sentence got me hard.  Hockey season can’t get here fast enough. Gas up the party trolleys.

 

PPS: UPDATE, just found out that Doutzen Kroes had a baby so looks like Toews probably already met her…or at least made eye contact with her. Pretty sure that’s all it takes for him.

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Extreme Dancing on the Red Line

This guy is absolutely killing it.  So much swag that he’s turning dudes gay instantly.  I have never seen dancing quite like this.  I have a hard time just standing on the El.  Every stop, turn, bump and I am bracing myself for a fall.  This guy(who isn’t Ron apparently) is inventing dance moves and strutting his stuff for everyone to see.

PS: Turns out Gays are just as lost in the dating game as anyone else.  That was a pathetic line. “Umm are you Ron. No? Oh, I thought your name was Ron.”  It was like something I would say to a girl in the bar.  Drunk, go up to her guns blazing, then have nothing to say, mumble something under my breath, and go back to admiring from a distance.

Top 5 All-Time Chicago Sports Stars

So ESPN is going to do this thing where they list the top 5 sports figures from every major sports town.  Blowhard Mike Wilbon is in charge of spitting out Chicago’s list…and per usual he totally messed it up.  He just tried to sound smarter than everyone by putting old guys in there that he has never laid eyes on like Red Grange.  I am sure Red Grange was great and was very important to the foundation of the NFL, but that was so long ago that I think he may have even played for the Decator Bears.  He can’t be on this list.  Wilbon also talks about Grange like the NFL wouldn’t exist without him. I find that basically impossible to believe.  The NFL is the shit.  No way one guy from 1924 made it that way by himself.  Wilbon also had Ditka, Payton, Jordan, and I want to say Gale Sayers rounding out his top 5.  Total failure.  Here is the correct list.

1.  Michael Jordan– Obviously. The greatest athlete of all-time has to be the greatest Chicago sports figure of all-time too.

2. Walter Payton– I never saw Sweetness play live because he retired when I was like 3 years old, but real recognize real.  I have seen enough highlights to know that he was the greatest running back who ever lived.

3. Mike Ditka– Hall of fame Tight End as a player, Superbowl Champion Coach, a mustache that would make Wyatt Earp jealous, and an all around bad ass.  Ditka is a winner and an icon.  Has to be on this list.

4. Bobby Hull– The Golden Jet was the best player of his era.  Scored a ton of goals, drank a ton of beers, and won a Stanley Cup.

5. Jonathan Toews– This is a bit of a futures play, Toews still has some work to do, but the guy has already won practically everything possible.  Toews is the perfect hockey player and an absolute stud.

 

Scottie Pippen may have made this list if he wasn’t such a traitor and/or moron.

Ernie Banks may have made this list if he actually won something…but like all other Cubs…he hasn’t.

Dick Butkus probably should be on here…but I can’t take anyone off of this list, so he can be number 6.

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