Mid 20s Dating Guide: If being attracted to this “psychopath” is wrong I don’t want to be right

(Slackatory)–The world is fucked. If you are single, you’re fucked. If you’re married, you’re probably going to get divorced, so you’re fucked too. Online dating is taking over, and it’s as bad as everyone says it is. The general population is morphing into lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdoes on the internet, and I did a little experiment to prove it. I made a fake profile on OkCupid based on a character I created, named Marla. Here’s what Marla’s profile looked like. Please note that in my profile picture, you can’t see my face, boobs, butt, or anything that would indicate that I’m physically attractive whatsoever.

So this Alyssa chick tried to do this social experiment where she makes guys look like pigs and to prove that we are “lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdos”.  Umm…well you failed miserably Alyssa.  Clearly you don’t get guys at all. Here is what her profile says.

My Self Summary: hi im marla searching for someone special someone cute ages 26-72. i dont smoke cig. dont drink. Socially i will. Or in a basement. like to no more lets get 2gether 2 watch a movie n see how it goes im a nice gurl so if your serious im serious. Plz dont smoke. I smoke my stress down n I have a big dog named Booty so if u dont like dogs move hes the king lol peace marla.

Reaction: Animal lover who only smokes a little and is down to party.  Doesn’t discriminate based on age. And is a little desperate/stressed. Also, if I know one thing about girls it’s that if they say “let’s get together to watch a movie” it means they want to have sex 1000% of the time.  You can’t just come out and say you want to have sex.  That’s slutty, so girls will say let’s watch a movie, or do you want to come up for coffee, etc.  Spelling is a little rough, but we are willing to overlook that for sex. So far so good Marla.

What I’m doing with my life: lotsa stuff going on right now prolly too much 2 list but lets just say im doing well.

Reaction: Marla is a career girl.  Has her own stuff going on so she won’t be dependent or needy.  I am intrigued.  Another box checked.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

• law n order is my fav show its like how do they always catch the bad guy lol
• my fav band r the dixie chicks- dont laugh im a country girl
• i dont read so no fav books lol unless u count star mag
• my fav food is 4 sure hot pockets

Reaction: Law&Order isn’t really my cup of tea, but to each their own Marla.  Totally not laughing at the Dixie Chicks. I am down with country music.  Great harmonies coming from those chicks.  Honestly, who has time to read books anymore?  I mean Marla already said she has a lot going on.  No time for reading I guess.  Her busy schedule kind of explains the entire profile. No time for spelling, punctuation, book learning, and barely even enough time to eat.  Hot pockets aren’t a bad solution if you’re constantly hustling.  Marla looking good.

The six things I could never do without: sum good beer, a lawn chair, front porch, cigs, hot pockets, and my dog booty

Reaction: Amen baby. That sounds like good living Marla.  It’s all about the little things. She has good perspective and is easy to please.  Not a material girl.  We can work on the smoking thing. Nobody is perfect. Marla gets more attractive with every section.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: Don’t get me started or ill be here all day lol i think a lot about mostly different stuff

Reaction: Marla is a renaissance woman and a deep thinker.  A broad spectrum of interests.

On a typical friday night  I am: Drinkin

Reaction: Girl just wants to have fun.

You should message me if: u r looking for the same stuff as me n we have similar interests. lets get 2 gether 2 see how it goes i like movies.

Reaction: Am I looking for a girl in her mid 20s who wants to hook up: Yup, check. Do we have similar interests: I spend lots of time thinking about different kinds of stuff too, I like dogs, and I like to drink…check.  I like movies too Marla we should totally get together to watch one(wink, wink).

Alyssa Kramer also tried to say that people couldn’t tell if she was attractive in that profile picture she used for the site.  Umm…ok Alyssa.  I can tell that you are reasonably fit and I was contorting my neck all kinds of ways to see down your shirt even though it’s picture on the screen.  Plunging neck line much?  Marla sounds like a career woman who has a good heart, is honest, likes to party, and is DTF.  If loving Marla is wrong I don’t want to be right.

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Can men and women be “just friends”?

 

So this video is several months old, but I don’t think I ever posted it.  I got into a discussion with a few girls on twitter who actually believed that men and women could be friends.  Nothing could be further from the truth and this guy from Utah State absolutely nails it.  Chicks just so naive thinking we don’t want more or wouldn’t take more if given the opportunity.  That doesn’t make us bad people…it’s just simple biology.  But here is the other thing…I think girls would be flat-out devastated if they found out that their guy “friend” wouldn’t hook up with them.  They sneaky know that these guys want to hook up with them and they love holding the cards.

The dreaded term “friend zone” exists for a reason.  No guy wants to be in the friend zone.  However, sometimes we will take what we can get.  Just lay in the weeds hoping that somewhere down the road you’ll slip up and make a drunken mistake.

PS: This girl was the hottest in the video…

PPS: Hey Bill Walton, sup brah?

 

 

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Woman charged with assault after attacking boyfriend for not wanting sex

(Florida)–A 34-year-old woman accused of attacking her  boyfriend after he declined to have sex with her was arrested on a misdemeanor  charge, according to a recently released affidavit. The boyfriend of Stacey Ann Ortiz told Port  St. Lucie police April 18 they’d been drinking at a friend’s home and came back  to go to bed. The boyfriend said he wanted to watch TV, while Ortiz wanted to  have sex. He said Ortiz started to attack him after he  told her several times he wasn’t interested. He said he ran down stairs and out  the garage to get away and that Ortiz tried to chase him down. “It appeared the victim had just left his  bed since he was only wearing his underwear,” the affidavit states. Ortiz told police her boyfriend got in a  verbal argument, but the dispute turned physical. She said her boyfriend “head  butted” her and she pushed him off her. She declined to say what the argument was about. On the floor, police noticed a broken metal mop handle, which  Ortiz said she broke while busting the window on her boyfriend’s truck. “It should be noted that the windshield of the truck was  broken,” the affidavit states. “I then asked why she was chasing him down the  street and she stated she was mad.” Ortiz, of the 2000 block of Southeast Avon Park Drive in Port  St. Lucie, was arrested on a battery charge.

Jesus Christ, when will girls learn?  No means no.  Chicks always just expecting us to turn it on and off like a faucet.  Hey Stacey, maybe your boyfriend just wasn’t feeling sexy that night.  Or maybe he was tired or had a headache.  Ever think about that?  Men are people too.  We aren’t just sex machines put on this earth to fulfill your desires ladies.  How about next time instead of throwing a hissy fit and assaulting your boyfriend you try a little romance.  A little effort goes a long way you know.  We just want you to make us feel special.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Yahoo! says about Pets

 

This one is for the ladies.  Yahoo did a piece about what a Pet says about a guy. I’ll simplify it for you.

(Yahoo!)–What type of pet a man owns says a lot about who he is and how he lives his life. When you meet someone who has a pet, it’s just not the same as meeting someone who is pet-free. There’s a good chance his pet will affect your dating life – especially if it’s a dog or cat, since those tend to become the center of a person’s life.

Cat

Oh, you’ve found a sensitive fella! And he’s not only sensitive, but just loves to send you photos of his cat all day long and post them on Facebook and Twitter. I’m not sure why this is, but guys with cats are prone to such things. Also, although Mitten the Kitten can stand spending a night alone thanks to her litter box, the fact remains that she gets very lonely when her owner isn’t there. This means you’ll be spending most, if not all nights, at his place. Mitten the Kitten needs him! Why can’t you understand that?

If a guy owns a cat…he’s gay.  If he says he likes your cat he is either gay or a liar or both.  Cats suck.

Fish

If your guy has a tank full of fish, he just may be low on the emotions, and is probably even “cold as a fish” in bed. Pets are meant to be cuddled, not watched! Sure, maybe he has some sort of allergy to furry pets, but there’s just something weird and “Dr. Evil” to me about a guy who only owns fish as pets.

This broad doesn’t know what she is talking about.  I don’t own fish, I have never owned a fish…but I like the idea of fish.  Not like a goldfish, but like cool exotic fish.  Fish aren’t really a pet.  They are more like decoration.  Like moving art that you have to feed every once in a while.  If the guy you’re seeing has cool fish he is probably some kind of wicked cool, rich, hilarious blogger…at least that’s what will happen when I own fish.

Parrot

Again, not exactly a pet you can cuddle with, but at least you can pet it and teach it to say things. A fella with a pet parrot is probably the type who’s really impressed with himself. How can you tell? Well he’s taught his parrot to say the same pretentious and cheesy lines he’ll try on you during a first date. Great. The world definitely needs more parrot douchebags who repeat “Hey good-lookin’!” every 10 minutes.

I think Parrot or any bird is a close cousin to the cat in this department.  If a guy owns a parrot he is gay 99 times out of 100.  That other time he probably so desperate and needy that he got himself a parrot to talk to at night.  You should pass on guys that have parrots.

Rabbit

The reason your man would have a pet rabbit is because he never had one when he was a kid, and now that he’s living on his own, he’s going to finally fulfill that dream. The rabbit’s name is probably something like “Rambo“or “Killer” to make up for the fact that he’s a dude who actually owns a fluffy bunny

When I was growing up the kid next door owned rabbits and he was literally psycho.  Just the weirdest kid ever.  Would hide in the bushes and yell like indian war cries or some shit as me and my buddies were playing basketball and sometimes shot arrows into my family’s yard. Like real arrows.  Do you really want to date somebody like that?

Snake

Seriously? A grown man with a snake? Does he drive a Camaro and rock a Metallica shirt circa 1986? Oh, you say he wants you to watch him feed a mouse to his snake on your second date? One word: Run. Run. Run

Snakes scare the absolute shit out of me.  They have my entire life.  I am man enough to admit that I have a fear of snakes.  Any guy who owns a snake is just trying to prove how tough he is. 

Dog

If he owns a dog, your man is loyal and can actually commit, because owning a dog is as close to having a child as it comes. While other pets can be left for an evening or two, dog ownership doesn’t allow for such behavior. But the major problem here is just how obsessed he is with his dog, because if he lets that puppy sleep in his bed every night, then you better get used to his dog witnessing your sexy times. Some people do not like an audience when they’re about to reach climax.

This chick makes some valid points about guys that own dogs.  Guys that own dogs are obviously the best, but guys that are obsessed with their dogs are weird.  Might as well be cat people.  What you want is a guy who has dogs that he outwardly hates, but sneaky loves them.  The kind of guy who complains about the dogs all the time, but then when one of them ran away he had a minor heart attack until some nice woman returned him.  You want the guy who would never dream of letting the dog sleep in the bed, or even the same room…but loves using them as foot rest while watching TV at night.  Hmm..where could you girls find someone like that…

 

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National Kissing Day and my birthday on the same day

 

Today is National Kissing Day and just by coincidence(pfft yeah right, totally not a coincidence I was just being humble) it also happens to be my birthday.  So ladies, if you see your favorite sports/smut/entertainment internet entrepreneur out on the town tonight and you look like either Katherine Jenkins, Danielle Kn, or Mila Kunis feel free to come up and plant one on me.  And if you don’t look like one of those girls…just wait until I am really drunk.

 

PS: Sorry for the excessive sexiness of this blog post.  Totally NSFW.

 

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Zac Efron is so smooth I can’t even stand it

 

Just popping bras off like it ain’t no thang.  Does it so often that he can’t even remember doing it in the movie.  Like seriously bro, WTF?  He says it as if he was saying “nah…I don’t remember what I had for lunch six months ago”. I can remember every detail of when I successfully nailed this move…pretty easy to remember something that has happened twice.  Every other time I fumble around like an idiot trying to open a combination lock. I am closer to Costanza in this department than Efron.

 

Two cups in the front, two loops in the back…how do they do it?

 

PS: If Efron acted as well as his popped bras off he’d never lose a game.

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“Ask Amy” of the Trib has to be a dude, right?

(Ask Amy)–

Dear Amy: I am an almost 30-year-old man, and I recently resigned from my job. On my last day at work, an 18-year-old co-worker cornered me and kissed me. She told me that she is very attracted to me and said if I wanted her, she’d be mine. We worked very closely together for the past four months and had gotten quite close as friends. The attraction is mutual. I find her to be a charming and beautiful girl. My concern is the age difference. I worry about how people will respond if we decide to enter into a relationship. My friends are divided — some say that I need to follow my heart, and others say that I shouldn’t even be thinking about dating an 18-year old. Am I wrong for thinking about entering into a relationship with this girl?

— Uncertain Suitor

Dear Uncertain: The red flags I see flying over this scenario are not only about the age difference between you two — but about her behavior. If the genders were reversed in this situation, and it was an 18-year-old man who “cornered and kissed” a 30-year-old woman, I’d suggest that somebody might want to get the police involved. Her behavior is so aggressive that you only need to imagine what she might do if you dated and then dropped her. (Picture her perched in a tree and yelling into a megaphone outside your apartment.) Take all of this into consideration, and if you still want to dip your toe into this pool of crazy, I say you two are (presumably) adults. Ask to see her driver’s license to verify her birth date, double check the laws of consent in your state, make sure her father’s not the angry type, shake the bushes for high school football player boyfriends, be prepared to have at least one conversation about Miley Cyrus, and go for it.

 

I mean did Amy hit this one out of the park or what?!?! When I read the letter from this gayball “Uncertain Suitor” I would have bet my life that Amy would tell this guy he is a creep, he should see a therapist, and should date someone his own age.  None of that happened here.  She looked at the situation and gave A+ advice.  Basically make sure it isn’t rape and go for it.  Even Amy realizes that hot 18 year-old girls who corner you for a kiss in the office don’t grow on trees. Its a once in a lifetime opportunity.  This guy has a winning lottery ticket and Amy knows he HAS to cash it in.  Well done Amy.  The only question this leaves me with is whether or not Amy is even a chick.  I mean she can’t be right?  I don’t know any women who would green light sex with a teenager. It just flies in the face of eye rolls from women since the dawn of time.  There is just no way Amy is a chick.  That’s the most rational advice I have ever heard.  Couldn’t have done better myself.

 

 

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Mid 20s Guide To Dating: How to play games…literally

(Omaha)–Bingo! Kaleb Michaud found his passion for European board games after playing The Settlers of Catan with a college friend who worked for a games magazine. Balderdash! Although that game and others like it were plentiful abroad, he had trouble finding them here. But was it a Trivial Pursuit? Definitely not. The games are challenging, easy to learn and fun. They offer a chance for friends, including families with children, to get together socially without doing the bar scene. And these games generally don’t take forever to finish. By dogged determination, Michaud (pronounced “mish you”) scoured the Internet and game stores. Over time, he has amassed 1,500 board games — make that 1,504, since last weekend — to fill the shelves of a large entry closet and a small room in the basement of his Dundee home. Michaud, 37, is single with a cat named Qbert, who demands a certain amount of attention. But Michaud, who is somewhat allergic to cats, keeps her out of the carpeted game storage room.

Umm…really bro? Board games, that’s your thing?  Kaleb Michaud, I’ve got news for you….nobody ever got laid by living alone with a cat named Qbert with a closet full of 1500 board games.  Wake up buddy.  This isn’t the 20th century anymore.  If you ever want to play doctor with a girl, you need to stop playing Operation.  The game you need to be playing is Words With Friends.

(Wall St Journal)–Last summer, Kyla Smith spelled S-E-X-Y in Words With Friends, an online Scrabble-like app on her phone. It won her more than just 13 points—it won her love. Stephen Monahan met Britney Hilbun by clicking ‘random opponent’ last year. Eventually her opponent, Charles Briggs, became her boyfriend. Up to that point, the two hadn’t met in person. She lived in Texas, he lived in Arkansas. They met through the “random opponent” feature of Words With Friends, which matches up anonymous players. The game is played by nearly 20 million people a month on Facebook, and countless more on smartphones. Players take turns moving letter tiles on a virtual board, trying to rack up points by spelling out words. For Ms. Smith, her flirty word was a joke. But Mr. Briggs says it showed him that they shared more than an affection for spelling. While playing Words With Friends with her, he says, “There was that little spark.” He thought: “This girl is pretty awesome.” In Scrabble-speak, you might call it a double word score: Since launching in 2009, Zynga Inc.’s Words With Friends has transformed at least a few lovers of words into lovebirds.

Now that’s how it’s done.  Random play indeed.  Chucky Briggs just dropping s-e-x-y points and bringing home a blue-eyed blonde.  Out kicking his coverage big time.  Now I don’t want to be mean to Chuck, but his breasts are bigger than his fiance’s.  Normally for a guy like Chuck to out-kick his coverage like that he’d have to be a) hilarious b) rich or c) the chick is Russian.  Not the case here.  Chuck is just your average, over-weight American male who snagged a babe because his Words With Friends game was tight.  Just maximizing that chat feature and showing off his lexicon.  That is how you play games.

 

PS: Invalid tile placement on that on that proposal

 

PPS: How many random games do you think I have played since I read this story?

 

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Mid 20s Guide to dating: Tupac and I have more in common than you’d think

 

Amen, Tupac Amen.  Tupac effing gets it.  He gets a lot of friends because he has respect for women.  Key word: Friends.  Nice guys finish last.  Being an asshole isn’t really in my nature…but looks like it wasn’t in Tupac’s either…but he was able to change.

 

Hmm…on second thought…maybe I’ll just be a nice guy and hope for the best.  I mean, what girl wouldn’t want this…

Happy Valentine’s Day.  Holler at me.

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Mid 20s Guide to Dating: How to fire on Sarah Kustok

Look, I don’t want to hate on this guy because that took a lot of balls, but c’mon bro.  Your go to move is to tell her that you suck at sports, you love your sister, and say “I love you. You’re so pretty and beautiful“? That’s pathetic.  Girls like Sarah don’t go for the desperate Teddy Bear guy.  Sarah Kustok wants the alpha male blogger-type like every other hot chick on the planet.  So even though I covered what to do in this situation last week, here is a complete break down.

Step 1: Walk up and fire a slapshot off the cross-bar.  Show your power and let that noise ring like a tuning fork. Then turn around and give her a wink

Step 2: With your second shot you show finesse.  Sail a sauce pass through the air that lands softly right at the goal line.

Step 3: When Sarah comes over and starts asking you questions.  Act like you’ve been there before

Step 4: She is going to pepper you with questions about your talent. Be humble and aloof.  Try not to tell her how you used to beat the shit out of Ben Smith and Jimmy Hayes in prep school hockey.

Step 5: Tell her you’re a blogger

Step 6: When taking the shot for the grand prize, don’t clown around.  Just snap it in there with authority.

Step 7: Tell Sarah you just won a vacation to anywhere in the world and that she can come.

Step 8: When Sarah asks you what you are doing after the game, tell her you have plans, but would like to hang out soon.

Step 9: Take Sarah out for a nice seafood dinner

Step 10: Use your imagination…

Step 11: Never call her again.

And that gentlemen is how you court Sarah Kustok.  It’s not that hard.  You’re welcome.

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