Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Chicago Man Arrested for the 99th time: Father of the Year Candidate

August 30, 2011 2 comments

MAYWOOD, Ill. (WLS)A Chicago man arrested for the 99th time when he was caught using his 3-year-old child as a ruse to beg for money pleaded guilty at his indictment hearing Monday and was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Alberto Luis Alvarez, 37, of the 2500 block of North Harding Avenue, represented by a public defender, pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice at his preliminary hearing, according to a release from Riverside police. About 2:30 p.m. Aug. 10, Riverside police received a call of a suspicious man stopping people on the street to ask for money and begging door-to-door in the 7200 block of West Ogden Avenue, a release from police said. Officers located Alvarez pushing a stroller with a small child inside, and when they questioned him, he refused to take his hands from his pockets, the release said. He then threw several clear plastic bags on the ground and tried to run away. Police arrested him after a brief struggle, and found more heroin in his pockets, the release said. After identifying Alvarez through fingerprints, it was discovered that he had 98 prior arrests and 23 convictions, ranging from burglary, robbery and larceny to assault, drugs and smuggling, the release said. He was also found to have 10 dates of birth, nine names and five Social Security numbers used as aliases. Riverside police chief Tom Weitzel called the case “simply mind-boggling” and described Alvarez as a repeat offender “who seems to laugh at the court system.” Investigators learned that Alvarez had been using his 3-year-old as a ruse to try and get money from residents by claiming to be injured, the release said. The child was turned over to a family member and the Department of Children & family Services was notified. Alvarez was originally charged with possession of a controlled substance, obstruction of a police officer (destroying evidence), resisting arrest and child endangerment, the release said. He was being held without bond in the Cook County Jail.


Arrested 99 times!?!?! That has got to be a record, right?  What do you get for getting arrested 100 times?  Set of steak knives is probably not the best lifetime achievement award.  In all seriousness…its time for this guy to consider a different profession because he is a terrible criminal.  He has been caught doing basically everything.

Now he is getting arrested for bringing his kid to work.  Look, I am sure the last thing Alberto Alvarez wanted to do was bring his whining, crying, pain-in-the-ass toddler to the office.  Daycare is expensive as hell these days and if the kid is going to be tagging along, he might as well put him to work.  Try to teach this kid the game.  It’s clearly Alberto’s dream to become a great criminal, but he’s just not cut out for it.  I feel his pain.  I desperately want to be a professional hockey player, and the only thing standing in the way of that dream was my lack of talent.  So guess who I am going to have live out my dream for me…my sons.  When my kids are 3 years old I will have them up at 5am to shoot 1000 pucks before breakfast.  What’s that Junior…you’re a natural lefty shot like your old man?…not so fast.  Right-handed shots are way more valuable on the power-play, so if I have to tie one arm behind his back to make him a righty then so be it.  It’s every father’s right to try to make their kids achieve their dad’s failed dreams.  If they fail…it means that it was probably impossible to begin with…but you might want to throw the grand kids at it just to make sure.


PS: This guy has 10 different birth dates, nine different names, and five different social security numbers. Are his 99 arrests all under the same name?  I feel like he has to be well over 100 arrests and some of them are under other names.  That’s pretty smart actually. Having a fake identity to take the fall for you every time you get in trouble.  Probably not much use to me now, but man it would have been sweet as a kid.  Those bad grades…my other identity didn’t do his homework.  Messy room…other identity left those clothes there.   Broken window…other identity can’t shoot a puck to save his life. All my shots were sniped top cheese.


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North Korea: “Those weren’t artillery shells, that was just construction.”

August 12, 2011 2 comments

(Newser)–South Korea says the North’s explanation for yesterday’s exchange of fire along the Northern Limit Line is a bunch of malarkey, reports the Wall Street Journal. The North claims that it didn’t fire any weapons, but in fact the South simply mistook “normal blasting” from construction work. “It’s a usual nonsensical claim from North Korea. We don’t feel any need to respond it,” said a spokesman for South Korea’s Defense Ministry. South Korea maintains that the North fired five rounds of artillery in two bursts toward the disputed border region in the Yellow Sea that divides the Koreas.

Man, being an evil dictator must be the shit.  Yesterday we had crazy old Ahmadinejad of Iran calling for the UN to bomb the UK over their treatment of rioters.  Then today North Korea fires 5 rounds of artillery at South Korea and Kim Jong Il says all those loud noises were just construction.
South Korea: “Umm hey…WTF was that!?!? Why are you bombing us?
North Korea: “Bombing you? What are you talking about?”
South Korea: “Dude, there were huge bangs and violent explosions.”
North Korea: “Oh that…Relax bro.  We’re repaving our highway.  That’s what is making all that noise.”
I would have given anything to be an evil dictator as a kid.  What was that glass shattering?…my phone rang.  Why is your brother crying?…he isn’t that’s the washing machine.  Where have you been?…I have literally been sitting here at the kitchen table talking to you the entire time.
That would have been the easiest childhood ever.
PS: Kim Jong Il has got some serious swag.  Digging your style Kim, those are pimp shades.
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