(ST. AUGUSTINE, FL) – Two teens are behind bars after allegedly breaking into an industrial building and stealing guns and puppies in the World Golf Village area in mid-May. Jonathon Roberto Espinal, 18, also known as “Chico,” and Avery Robert Russell, 18, are accused of breaking into an industrial building behind a residence on Francis Road, where the pair allegedly stole two firearms, an adult pit-bull terrier mother and her ten very young pit-bull puppies, according to a report from the St. Johns Sheriff’s Office. The two later allegedly sold eight of the ten puppies. Two of the puppies died since they were removed from their mother at four weeks old, the report states. Espinal and Russell are charged with larceny, burglary and animal cruelty for causing a cruel death to two of the puppies. Espinal is currently being held on a $12,500 bond, Russell is held on $7,500.
Nothing is going to get you raped in prison faster than being convicted for being a puppy thief. I mean that is as soft as it gets. These guys have no idea what they are doing. Of all the Disney villains to model your life after you went with Cruella De Vil? Just a terrible, terrible choice. She is probably second to last on the Disney villain power rankings. The only worse villain to be is Ursula. Which leads me to the real point of this blog…if you had to be one Disney villain, who would it be? In my mind there are really only three possible choices. Gaston, Scar, and Jafar.
Being Gaston would be sweet. You’re a big, good looking, dude who spends his days eating dozens of eggs, firing on chicks, and just gallivanting around Europe. I mean it’s gotta suck to lose Belle to a walking, talking, bear-buffalo hybrid beast thing, but at the end of the day who gives a shit? If he would have just told Belle it was her loss he would have lived out the rest of his days like Prince Harry. She wasn’t even that hot.
Scar is by far the smartest of this group. Just assassinating his brother without hesitation or remorse and assuming power. That stampede murder was sheer genius. Makes the Kennedy assassination look like a game of hungry hungry hippos. He just moved too fast. Too much too soon. Like Mufasa just died bro. Let the people mourn a little before you announce that you’re forming an alliance with their mortal enemy. Ease into that transition. I like the idea overall. You have to consolidate power, but hubris got in the way again. Also…you’ve got to surround yourself with better people. Killing Simba was the right move, but sending three dumbass hyenas to do the job is the height of stupidity. Especially when one of them is Whoopi Goldberg.
Jafar…pros: You’ve got access to a Genie and the only guy standing in your way is a peasant. Cons: you’re fucking ugly and you have to live in the Middle East. I mean I suppose if you’ve got three wishes you can spend one of them on making yourself look like Gaston. Then wish number 2 you go for power of the empire. But not in the Middle East. Somewhere cool like Europe. Then final wish…10,000 Jasmine sex slave look-a-likes. Boom, done. Then you just take that lamp and drop it in the bottom of the ocean or some place where nobody could ever get it. Viva Jafar!
Official Disney Villain Power Rankings:
4. The neighbor kid in Toy Story that blows shit up
If you say anyone else you’re an idiot.
PS: Miami delenda est
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