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Dancing With The Stars Breakdown

I love Dancing With The Stars.  I have been a fan ever since it introduced me to Stacey Keibler.  Little known fact about me…I am an expert when it comes to this show.  I am a phenomenal dancer, but truth be told I don’t know shit about dancing.  Yet I just pick winners year in and year out.  “Experts” will tell you about foot-work, and posture, and technique, blah blah blah…dancing=sex.  Sex is about feeling.  So I just go with my gut.  After one week here are the odds for each of the contestants and their partners:

Carson Kressley and Anna: 100-1

I don’t know who this guy is or how he is a “star”, but he is obnoxious as hell.  Hey bro, this isn’t a joke.  This is DWTS…effing act like it.  At the end of the day I just don’t think this dude has the will power to be the champ.

Nancy Grace and Tristan: 95-1

Another person I have never heard of, but I still know that Nancy Grace has no chance.  My initial reaction to her dance was “eww”.  Not a good start since this competition is about sex.  This Irish dude is a rookie too.  He said that he was hoping to use the “luck of the Irish” to advance.  Bro, this show is about hooking up…and you drew Nancy Grace, luck isn’t on your side.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: 65-1

I feel like this guy has to be the most unqualified “star” in the history of DWTS.  Dude, your sister got famous for making a sex tape….that’s your biggest claim to fame.  I despise the Kardashians and everything they stand for.  I want them to disappear from American Pop Culture.  Maybe Rob can dance, maybe he can’t, all I know is that I hate him and you should too.  Kim isn’t even that hot.

Chynna Phillips and Tony: 60-1

I don’t know….This chick used to be a singer or something and is married to a Baldwin brother, but I just didn’t feel it.  I don’t want to sound like an asshole here, but…old chicks suck.  No getting around it.  This competition wasn’t meant for the Chynna Phillips’ of the world.

Chaz Bono and…a Chick: 60-1

Two chicks dancing together would be a clear advantage for most of the field…except when one of those chicks is trying to be a dude.  Didn’t see this dance, but I don’t have to. America will keep this chick around for a while, but he doesn’t have a real chance to win.

 

Elisabetta Canalis and Val: 50-1

Look, lets be real here…chicks are the ones voting on this show, so when the only reason you are marginally famous is because you used to hook up with George Clooney…you’re fighting an uphill battle.  Sluttiness only takes you so far in this competition and Elisabetta will only survive for a short time on this show.

 

David Arquette and Kim: 45-1

David Arquette told America he is doing this because he has been sober for 8 months…solid bro.  What a waste of hot Australian Kim.  No chance to stick in the competition.

 

Ron Artest( Meta World Peace) and Peta: 35-1

On paper this is the most hateable couple of the season.  I mean Ron Artest attacks fans and is completely nuts and the chick’s name is Peta.  Everyone hates PETA.  They are the most obnoxious group of self-righteous assholes on the planet.  Here is the problem though…during Ron’s little intro thing, he comes off as completely human.  Doing it for his daughter who survived cancer.  I mean he was down right endearing.  No way soccer moms across America think he’s bad guy…unless they think he is Dennis Rodman. Ron was terrible, but athletes tend to stick around for some reason, and Ron will probably benefit from that.  Judges comment of the night…”Ron’s length of bone makes technique difficult“…that’s what she said.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark: 15-1

This is where we get down to the real contenders.  I hate Kristin Cavallari as much as the next Bears fan, but god damn she looked good out there.  Not that great of a dancer, but this competition is about sex and she was screaming it.  Probably won’t win because too many people hate her, but here’s hoping she goes deep.

Ricky Lake and Hough: 10-1

I was totally prepared for this to be right up there with Nancy Grace of the vomit scale, but real recognize real…Ricki Lake brought it.  Shockingly graceful.  She is like Kirstie Ally 2.0.  She will be around all the way to the end. Go Ricki, Go Ricki!!!

Hope Solo and Maks: 5-1

I despise this Maks guy.  They call him the “Bad Boy of Dancing”…sweet bro, you are the toughest of all the fairies.  Effing Russians.  Really not digging that they paired this Commie with America’s Sweetheart, Hope Solo.  I wanted to hate this couple, but I just couldn’t.  I want to describe their dance without sounding like a FLAMING homosexual…but the only word that comes to my head when I watch it is…enchanting…and it doesn’t get much gayer than that.  Definitely thought this would be the power couple of season 14, until…

JR Martinez and Karina: 3-1

I had never heard of this guy until this competition, but my god what a story.  War hero, purple heart winner, actor, and now DWTS front-runner.  I am going to put this as simply as possible…if you are thinking of voting for someone besides JR Martinez, it means you are a terrorist 1000 times out of a 1000.  That’s just a fact.  The guy got his face burned off for America and he still absolutely murdered the dance floor.  If this guy doesn’t win, you need to take a long look in the mirror America.

 

follow me @windycitisports

 

PS: Obviously one of these people already got eliminated but I never watch the results show.

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  1. michaela
    September 25, 2011 at 8:22 am

    ron artest got kicked off first. and thats because everyone hates him

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