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U-S-A, U-S-A!!! America Named “Coolest” Country

September 7, 2011 4 comments

(Reuters, London)–They may be witnessing their global superpower influence decline in the face of challenges from other
emerging players on the world stage, but Americans have been voted the world’s “coolest nationality” in an international poll. Social networking site Badoo.com (www.badoo.com) asked 30,000 people across 15 countries to name the coolest nationality and also found that the Spanish were considered the coolest Europeans, Brazilians the coolest Latin Americans
and Belgians the globe’s least cool nationality. “We hear a lot in the media about anti-Americanism,” says Lloyd Price,
Badoo’s Director of Marketing. “But we sometimes forget how many people across the world consider Americans seriously cool.”

Of course, not all Americans are cool far from it. Some like Snoop Dogg, Lady Gaga, Samuel L. Jackson, Johnny Depp and Quentin Tarantino are way cooler than others. Americans, however, are the dudes who invented cool and who still embody it
in many fields from music to movies and TV to technology. “America,” says Price, “boasts the world’s coolest leader, Obama; the coolest rappers, Jay-Z and Snoop Dogg; and the coolest man in technology, Steve Jobs of Apple, the man who even made geeks cool.” Brazilians are ranked the second coolest nationality in the Badoo poll and the coolest Latin Americans, ahead of Mexicans and Argentinians. The Spanish, in third place, are the coolest Europeans. The French are voted cooler than the British, and Canadians cooler than the Belgians. This may come as a relief for Canadians, who are sometimes viewed as chronically uncool.Or, as Michael Ignatieff, the Canadian politician, once put it: “Paris, Texas stands as a metaphor for broken dreams; Paris, Saskatchewan just sounds ridiculous.”

THE 10 COOLEST NATIONALITIES

1. Americans

2. Brazilians

3. Spanish

4. Italians

5. French

6. British

7. Dutch

8. Mexicans

9. Argentinians

10. Russians

FIVE LEAST COOL

1. Belgians

2. Poles

3. Turks

4. Canadians

5. Germans

The rest of the world finally acknowledged what we already knew…Americans are the coolest mother-fuckers on the planet. Swag from sea to shining sea. Americans are to Earth what Zack Morris was to Bayside High. Three wars, 15 trillion dollars in debt, political gridlock…nothing a brainstorming session at The Max can’t fix. I am sure we’ll hatch up some crazy scheme that totally fixes everything.

This article really hit the nail on the head. America invented cool because we also invented music, TV, movies, and technology. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mozart was European and he came before Jay-Z, but good luck trying to grind on a girl while listening to Mozart. You need sick beats to dance. Dancing=sex, so therefore America even invented sex…you’re welcome. Even though America has always been the coolest country, there is no way we are taking home this title if Obama isn’t president. Let’s just call a spade a spade…black people are just cooler than everyone else. They can dance, they walk with swag, they are athletic as hell, everyone wants to be friends with the black kid in school. So if America is the only real country with a black leader, it means we are cooler.

I do have some problems with this list though. Like how the hell is Mexico in the top ten. If Mexico was top ten cool, all their Mexicans would stay in Mexico. For a second I thought maybe Mexico got cool votes by its proximity to the US, but then you look at Canada and they are in the bottom five. I love Canada, but I love them like a dorky little brother. Canada just tags along, trying to be cool, but they just aren’t. If Canada is the endearing dorky brother, then Mexico is the delinquent cousin that is in and out of drug rehab and prison. The other big error on this list is having The UK in the top ten. England is not cool. Take Pippa and Kate Middleton out of that country and they’ve got nothing. Ireland is the cool British Isle. Ireland just loves to party and that’s the most important part of being cool.

PS: USA lost to Belgium in soccer last night…in a meaningless game. Congrats Belgium, you basically just won a gym class soccer game while America was flirting with the prom queen off to the side staying sweat free. When the lights come on in the varsity game we’ll be ready for you.

PPS: If USA is Bayside, then China is totally Valley. Yeah, maybe Valley has gotten the best of Bayside a few times here and there, but nobody is sitting around wishing they were born in Valley’s school district.

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God Bless Texas

June 13, 2011 Leave a comment

Thank you Mavericks, you saved America!!!  When this series started I had no confidence in the Mavericks.  I thought the Miami Heat would smash them in 5 games like they had done to everyone else in the playoffs.  Little did I know that the Mavericks would out-coach and out-play the Heat in almost every possible way.  So satisfying.  I loved it.  I will always have a special place in my heart for the Mavs.  That team has everything.  Unintentionally hilarious foreign superstar, “Rudy”-like point guard that dates Miss Universe, crazy billionaire owner, likeable veterans, etc.  Then they even pulled their original owner out of retirement for the trophy and he was the biggest Texas cliché of all time.  Everything about that team was great entertainment.  Good defeated evil, and all is right again with America.

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Lock of the Century: Gold Cup Soccer Edition

June 6, 2011 Leave a comment

Canada +700 @ USA -315 Draw +325

 

Over (+140)/Under (even) 2.5

So I am taking the fight right to the Costa Rican’s back yard on this one with my first ever Soccer Lock of the Century.  If there is one thing Costa Rica knows its soccer…at least I assume so.  Doesn’t scare me one bit.  I am turning up the heat in this fight. 

Canada sucks.  I didn’t even know they had a soccer team until today.  If I didn’t know about you, that means you aren’t any good.  The moneyline at -315 for USA isn’t all that attractive, but a win is a win is a win.  The over/under is where it gets a little tricky.  We have established that Canada sucks, but after watching part of the USA vs Spain game this weekend I am under the impression that America sucks too.  So will the ineptitude of both teams lead to defensive break downs and an onslaught of offense or will it be a race to the bottom essentially with a 1-0 win for the US?  I’ll go with the under and an American victory.  U-S-A, U-S-A!!!

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