Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Mid 20s dating’

Mid 20s Dating Guide: If being attracted to this “psychopath” is wrong I don’t want to be right

May 23, 2012 1 comment

(Slackatory)–The world is fucked. If you are single, you’re fucked. If you’re married, you’re probably going to get divorced, so you’re fucked too. Online dating is taking over, and it’s as bad as everyone says it is. The general population is morphing into lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdoes on the internet, and I did a little experiment to prove it. I made a fake profile on OkCupid based on a character I created, named Marla. Here’s what Marla’s profile looked like. Please note that in my profile picture, you can’t see my face, boobs, butt, or anything that would indicate that I’m physically attractive whatsoever.

So this Alyssa chick tried to do this social experiment where she makes guys look like pigs and to prove that we are “lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdos”.  Umm…well you failed miserably Alyssa.  Clearly you don’t get guys at all. Here is what her profile says.

My Self Summary: hi im marla searching for someone special someone cute ages 26-72. i dont smoke cig. dont drink. Socially i will. Or in a basement. like to no more lets get 2gether 2 watch a movie n see how it goes im a nice gurl so if your serious im serious. Plz dont smoke. I smoke my stress down n I have a big dog named Booty so if u dont like dogs move hes the king lol peace marla.

Reaction: Animal lover who only smokes a little and is down to party.  Doesn’t discriminate based on age. And is a little desperate/stressed. Also, if I know one thing about girls it’s that if they say “let’s get together to watch a movie” it means they want to have sex 1000% of the time.  You can’t just come out and say you want to have sex.  That’s slutty, so girls will say let’s watch a movie, or do you want to come up for coffee, etc.  Spelling is a little rough, but we are willing to overlook that for sex. So far so good Marla.

What I’m doing with my life: lotsa stuff going on right now prolly too much 2 list but lets just say im doing well.

Reaction: Marla is a career girl.  Has her own stuff going on so she won’t be dependent or needy.  I am intrigued.  Another box checked.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

  • law n order is my fav show its like how do they always catch the bad guy lol
  • my fav band r the dixie chicks- dont laugh im a country girl
  • i dont read so no fav books lol unless u count star mag
  • my fav food is 4 sure hot pockets

Reaction: Law&Order isn’t really my cup of tea, but to each their own Marla.  Totally not laughing at the Dixie Chicks. I am down with country music.  Great harmonies coming from those chicks.  Honestly, who has time to read books anymore?  I mean Marla already said she has a lot going on.  No time for reading I guess.  Her busy schedule kind of explains the entire profile. No time for spelling, punctuation, book learning, and barely even enough time to eat.  Hot pockets aren’t a bad solution if you’re constantly hustling.  Marla looking good.

The six things I could never do without: sum good beer, a lawn chair, front porch, cigs, hot pockets, and my dog booty

Reaction: Amen baby. That sounds like good living Marla.  It’s all about the little things. She has good perspective and is easy to please.  Not a material girl.  We can work on the smoking thing. Nobody is perfect. Marla gets more attractive with every section.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: Don’t get me started or ill be here all day lol i think a lot about mostly different stuff

Reaction: Marla is a renaissance woman and a deep thinker.  A broad spectrum of interests.

On a typical friday night  I am: Drinkin

Reaction: Girl just wants to have fun.

You should message me if: u r looking for the same stuff as me n we have similar interests. lets get 2 gether 2 see how it goes i like movies.

Reaction: Am I looking for a girl in her mid 20s who wants to hook up: Yup, check. Do we have similar interests: I spend lots of time thinking about different kinds of stuff too, I like dogs, and I like to drink…check.  I like movies too Marla we should totally get together to watch one(wink, wink).

Alyssa Kramer also tried to say that people couldn’t tell if she was attractive in that profile picture she used for the site.  Umm…ok Alyssa.  I can tell that you are reasonably fit and I was contorting my neck all kinds of ways to see down your shirt even though it’s picture on the screen.  Plunging neck line much?  Marla sounds like a career woman who has a good heart, is honest, likes to party, and is DTF.  If loving Marla is wrong I don’t want to be right.

Follow the Chief @WindyCitiSports

Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Yahoo! says about Pets

April 19, 2012 6 comments

 

This one is for the ladies.  Yahoo did a piece about what a Pet says about a guy. I’ll simplify it for you.

(Yahoo!)–What type of pet a man owns says a lot about who he is and how he lives his life. When you meet someone who has a pet, it’s just not the same as meeting someone who is pet-free. There’s a good chance his pet will affect your dating life – especially if it’s a dog or cat, since those tend to become the center of a person’s life.

Cat

Oh, you’ve found a sensitive fella! And he’s not only sensitive, but just loves to send you photos of his cat all day long and post them on Facebook and Twitter. I’m not sure why this is, but guys with cats are prone to such things. Also, although Mitten the Kitten can stand spending a night alone thanks to her litter box, the fact remains that she gets very lonely when her owner isn’t there. This means you’ll be spending most, if not all nights, at his place. Mitten the Kitten needs him! Why can’t you understand that?

If a guy owns a cat…he’s gay.  If he says he likes your cat he is either gay or a liar or both.  Cats suck.

Fish

If your guy has a tank full of fish, he just may be low on the emotions, and is probably even “cold as a fish” in bed. Pets are meant to be cuddled, not watched! Sure, maybe he has some sort of allergy to furry pets, but there’s just something weird and “Dr. Evil” to me about a guy who only owns fish as pets.

This broad doesn’t know what she is talking about.  I don’t own fish, I have never owned a fish…but I like the idea of fish.  Not like a goldfish, but like cool exotic fish.  Fish aren’t really a pet.  They are more like decoration.  Like moving art that you have to feed every once in a while.  If the guy you’re seeing has cool fish he is probably some kind of wicked cool, rich, hilarious blogger…at least that’s what will happen when I own fish.

Parrot

Again, not exactly a pet you can cuddle with, but at least you can pet it and teach it to say things. A fella with a pet parrot is probably the type who’s really impressed with himself. How can you tell? Well he’s taught his parrot to say the same pretentious and cheesy lines he’ll try on you during a first date. Great. The world definitely needs more parrot douchebags who repeat “Hey good-lookin’!” every 10 minutes.

I think Parrot or any bird is a close cousin to the cat in this department.  If a guy owns a parrot he is gay 99 times out of 100.  That other time he probably so desperate and needy that he got himself a parrot to talk to at night.  You should pass on guys that have parrots.

Rabbit

The reason your man would have a pet rabbit is because he never had one when he was a kid, and now that he’s living on his own, he’s going to finally fulfill that dream. The rabbit’s name is probably something like “Rambo“or “Killer” to make up for the fact that he’s a dude who actually owns a fluffy bunny

When I was growing up the kid next door owned rabbits and he was literally psycho.  Just the weirdest kid ever.  Would hide in the bushes and yell like indian war cries or some shit as me and my buddies were playing basketball and sometimes shot arrows into my family’s yard. Like real arrows.  Do you really want to date somebody like that?

Snake

Seriously? A grown man with a snake? Does he drive a Camaro and rock a Metallica shirt circa 1986? Oh, you say he wants you to watch him feed a mouse to his snake on your second date? One word: Run. Run. Run

Snakes scare the absolute shit out of me.  They have my entire life.  I am man enough to admit that I have a fear of snakes.  Any guy who owns a snake is just trying to prove how tough he is. 

Dog

If he owns a dog, your man is loyal and can actually commit, because owning a dog is as close to having a child as it comes. While other pets can be left for an evening or two, dog ownership doesn’t allow for such behavior. But the major problem here is just how obsessed he is with his dog, because if he lets that puppy sleep in his bed every night, then you better get used to his dog witnessing your sexy times. Some people do not like an audience when they’re about to reach climax.

This chick makes some valid points about guys that own dogs.  Guys that own dogs are obviously the best, but guys that are obsessed with their dogs are weird.  Might as well be cat people.  What you want is a guy who has dogs that he outwardly hates, but sneaky loves them.  The kind of guy who complains about the dogs all the time, but then when one of them ran away he had a minor heart attack until some nice woman returned him.  You want the guy who would never dream of letting the dog sleep in the bed, or even the same room…but loves using them as foot rest while watching TV at night.  Hmm..where could you girls find someone like that…

 

Follow me @WindyCitiSports 

Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Would Bieber Do

September 27, 2011 1 comment

(MTV)–Justin Bieber may only be 17, but the kid has crazy mature boyfriend skills when it comes to doing special things for his girl Selena Gomez. Case in point: The dynamic duo went out for a decent-enough date on Friday night to see Gomez’s pal Demi Lovato play a show at the Nokia Theatre in downtown Los Angeles. Then, according to TMZ, he surprised Gomez after the concert with an even bigger show right next door at the Staples Center, the 20,000-seat home of the Los Angeles Lakers. After 11 p.m., Bieber told Gomez, “follow me,” and the pair walked through an underground tunnel that connects the two arenas. As they walked into the empty building, all Gomez saw was a table for two set up on the floor with a steak and pasta dinner from the venue’s fancy restaurant, the Lexus Club. The major date was inspired by a scene in the Adam Sandler flick “Mr. Deeds,” in which Sandler’s character surprises his love interest, Winona Ryder, with a date for two at Madison Square Garden. After the superstar couple’s meal, things got even more romantic when “Titanic” began playing on a screen in the arena. According to reports, Bieber got the venue for free as a thank-you from the bosses at Staples for his string of three previous sell-outs there. After making things way harder for his fellow man with his big-balling gesture, Biebs had a message for all the dudes out there who aren’t pulling their weight when it comes to the chivalry department. “Romance isn’t dead,” he tweeted after his date. “Treat your lady right fellas.” Easy for you to say, dude.

 

Un-fricken-believable Bieber!!! What a god damn boss this kid is.  I used to rag on him relentlessly…out of pure jealously.  Like, chicks go nuts for this kid.  Chicks of all ages.  I never understood it.  He weighs like 80 pounds, yet he pulls dimes like Selena Gomez on the reg.  I was baffled.  However, I can’t deny this kid’s swag anymore.

This kid makes me and every other guy on earth look like a chump.  I mean I try to come up with fun dates, and go to fancy restaurants, just to try and get to first base with some girl I have probably been wearing down for months.  Biebs just gets the keys to the Staple Center to watch a movie.  I am sure trying to get laid after Titanic with your mom upstairs is probably a pain in the ass, so Biebs just went off sight.  Titanic at the Staple Center is romantic as hell.  Who wouldn’t get all weak in the knees for this kid.

So now whenever I am thinking of a date like a stupid private dance class, or apple picking, or some gay shit like that I’ll think to myself “Would The Biebs do this?” and if I answer NO to that question I will go back to the drawing board.  I am going to be following this kid’s every move looking for dating tips.  The kid has obviously forgotten more about wheeling chicks than I will ever know.

 

 

follow me @windycitisports

Mid 20s Dating Guide: Chicks trying to get you wifed up

September 20, 2011 1 comment

 

Stay strong bro, stay strong.  The kid is right…this girl can’t yell at him because she isn’t the boss…but the second you get married…she 100% is the boss.  I mean, I wouldn’t want to marry this chick either. I mean this is how she is before the marriage, imagine what she is going to be like once this guy is all locked up.  This is the danger of Mid 20s dating.  You date a girl for a few months and next thing you know you are over at her house and she has wedding magazines all over the coffee table with pages marked.  Obviously the first instinct here would be to run…but then you realize you’ll have to go without regular sex. So you pretend that you can avoid the whole situation and press the ejector button at the last second.  Which is nearly impossible.  So a  few more months go by and your girl has worn you down to the point where you’ll do anything to stop that yelling and nagging. Before you know…you are standing at the altar wondering where you went wrong.  It’s too late at that point though. You’re done.  Which is why I have so much respect for this kid.  He flat out refused to hear about marriage. He wouldn’t even look at her. He even tried to get his mom to reason with this broad.  So he went with the big guns.  The old Costanza move. He turned on the water works.  Good move guy.  Good move.

 

follow me @windycitisports

Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volume 2

September 8, 2011 Leave a comment

(AMSTERDAM, AP) — Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam. Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn’t excessive. The man denied they had a relationship. The court ordered her not to contact him again.

Here we go with Volume 2 in an infinite part series about what NOT to do in relationships.

Girls are so bat shit crazy its unbelievable.  Everyone has made a drunken phone call to an ex that they wish they could take back, but this girl has taken it to a whole different level.  65,000 calls a year is 179 calls a day and 7 or 8 per hour.  This chick’s fulltime job is being a lunatic.  I get that this chick is single and desperate and wants her boyfriend back, but she is going about it all wrong.  Kind of a rookie move for a 42 year-old dating veteran.  I mean she totally had the upper-hand in this thing on paper.  She is 20 years younger than this guy.  I don’t care how many blue pills he is popping, I guarantee chicks aren’t beating down his door to hop in bed with a 62 year-old dude with gray hair, flabby skin, and old…balls…gross.  When flirting over the phone you NEVER want to be the last one to communicate(and you definitely don’t want to be the last one to communicate 65,000 times in a row).  I definitely learned this lesson the one the hard way(more than once).  I’ll be texting back and forth with a girl and she’ll be just eating up my jokes. Just flirty LOLs and HAHAHAHAs all over the place.  Then the convo clearly comes to end point but instead of playing it smooth and leave her wanting more…I come back with something stupid like “So…what are you up to this weekend?” and…crickets. Just kills all momentum.  One text too many and its over before it even started.  If this girl wasn’t so effing crazy(just a hypothetical, she’s a chick so of course she is crazy) she could’ve had this old guy back in a minute.  Tone down the crazy and make him think it was his idea.  This guy knows that he doesn’t have a lot of options and if a chick can stand his presence for a minute he should hold on to her like grim death…which isn’t far off.

PS: This chick is probably getting recruited like mad by tele-marketing companies.  Dial, click, dial, all day long with no bathroom breaks.

follow me @windycitisports

Mid 20s Dating Guide: Scripting the First Few Plays

June 23, 2011 4 comments

I normally save the dating blogs for Friday, but this shit is imminent.  I am starting to chase this new girl and I was like pretty much planning on re-using the exact same dates that I had with my last girlfriend.  Every girl that I bounced this idea off of was like “Oh you can’t do that. That’s weird. New girl, new dates. blah blah blah.” The most positive response I got was “I guess that’s ok, but you can never let her find out.”

One girl even suggested that I might be doing it to stage a run-in or recreate memories…ridiculous.  Look, here is the deal…I don’t have a lot of tricks up my sleeve.  I am not like talking about some bar to get a drink or like chain restaurant. The dates I want to re-use are like A+ dates.  I am using them because they worked on the last girlfriend. Like these dates charmed the last girl’s pants off…literally. Why wouldn’t I use them again? It’s all about preparation.  Do you think Tom Brady lights up the NFL just by showing up in time for the kickoff? No chance.  The guy uses past experiences, studies his ass off, creates a game plan, and then lets talent just take over.  He has his first set of plays scripted before the game even starts.  That’s what I am doing here.  Go with what works, then get there and turn on the charm.

All girls are saying that they would be mad/disappointed if they found out.  I think they should really be honored and impressed that I would put in some preparation before the dates.  Even more so, if I know like a house specialty or like the best spot to sit, the date is just going to be more enjoyable.  What do people think? Am I, like usual, so on point that I am revolutionizing how you think about dating and relationships…or, like usual, am I completely delusional?

follow me @windycitisports

The Mid 20s Dating Scene

May 23, 2011 2 comments

I am re-entering the Mid-20s dating scene and I feel like I actually know what I am doing so I am providing the citizens with guide to mid-20s dinner dates. Having said that, I have never been a ladies man so there is a good chance I am a completely off base.  These are the things to do on your early dates.  As far as getting to this point…I can’t help you.

Dinner Dates:

  1. Finding hidden gems of restaurants.  Chicks dig little hidden restaurants that you probably won’t find on google.  If you’re going to a chain restaurant or a famous restaurant early in your first couple dates…you’re doing something wrong.  Knowing little restaurants shows that you’re worldly and you know your way around town. This shows her you’ll be able to teach her stuff and show her finer points of life.
  2. Ordering cool mix drinks or knowing a lot about wine.  I suck at this one.  My go to “cool guy mixed drink” is an Old Fashioned, and I only know what that is because Donald Draper drinks at least 5 of them an episode during Mad Men and he is the coolest m-effer in history.  The problem with an Old Fashioned is that it looks like it could a chick drink because it has a cherry and an orange in it.  So if the girl doesn’t know what it is, then you could be screwed because you can’t tell her that Don Draper drinks it on Mad Men.  Knowing wines is cool too.  If you can casually ask good questions about different bottles or drop wine terms with the waiter then you are in good shape.  I try to stick with wines that I know I can pronounce.
  3. PUT DOWN A TON OF FOOD.  All girls have food issues on some level.  Putting away the appetizer, your entire plate, and maybe a bite of her dinner will allow her to relax and enjoy her meal.  This is also just a primal thing.  I am sure back when Men were hunting for dinner, cromagnum cave chicks gravitated to the guy who was eating the most food. Shows strength and that he will throw you his scraps when he is done. There are two caveats with this rule 1) You still need to talk and have good manners, keep your mouth closed when you chew and 2) you can’t be a fat dude.
  4. Tipping. Be a friend of the common man and tip like a baller.  Show her you’re a generous spirit.  Tip cabbies, bartenders, homeless guys, waittresses…everybody gets some love on early dates. 

.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: