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Posts Tagged ‘Mid 20s dating guide’

Mid (19)20’s Dating Guide: Listen to your elders

September 15, 2011 Leave a comment

(Oregon)–An elderly couple struggling to learn how to use a webcam have become viral video sensations after their granddaughter posted the fumbling footage online. Bruce and Esther Huffman, of McMinnville, Oregon, captured close to three minutes of themselves making faces at the camera and trying to navigate their new laptop. But they didn’t realise until the very end they were being recorded as she tried to take a picture.’Webcam 101 for Seniors’ has scored over 170,000 hits since it was posted on YouTube by the couple’s granddaughter on August 21. It begins with Bruce Huffman making faces as he looks at his image on screen. ‘Look at the monkey!’ he says, ‘That’s a pretty good monkey.’ Meanwhile his wife, Esther, is focused on the task at hand. ‘Did it capture? I put it on capture,’ she says, ‘Do it again.’ Bruce entertains himself, singing The Andrew Sisters’ Hello, My Baby, joking about their wrinkles, and sweetly compliments his wife’s ‘pretty hair’.

 

This YouTube video of these old people is going viral.  People getting a good laugh from watching these old fogies try to figure out the internet.  Well, maybe this guy would care about figuring out the interwebs if he wasn’t so busy spitting perfect game at this old broad.  His game is so tight.  This silver fox is such a boss I can’t even handle it.  The guy just gave the world a step by step to wheeling chicks.

Step 1: Make her laugh.  He went hard style with the monkey face here. She ate it up.

Step 2: Give her a compliment.  “Oh look at your pretty hair”…just too effing smooth.

Step 3: Be aggressive.  Chicks want dominant males.  This guy step to the plate big time and tried to slide her dress off

Step 4: Make a her a little insecure.  Guy starts with a little self-deprecating humor, then just tells her that her wrinkles are huge.

Step 5: Pop a Viagra and turn off the camera

 

Simply amazing.  This old grampa just gave a 101 on how to pick up chicks.  Some things never change I guess.

 

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volume 2

September 8, 2011 Leave a comment

(AMSTERDAM, AP) — Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam. Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn’t excessive. The man denied they had a relationship. The court ordered her not to contact him again.

Here we go with Volume 2 in an infinite part series about what NOT to do in relationships.

Girls are so bat shit crazy its unbelievable.  Everyone has made a drunken phone call to an ex that they wish they could take back, but this girl has taken it to a whole different level.  65,000 calls a year is 179 calls a day and 7 or 8 per hour.  This chick’s fulltime job is being a lunatic.  I get that this chick is single and desperate and wants her boyfriend back, but she is going about it all wrong.  Kind of a rookie move for a 42 year-old dating veteran.  I mean she totally had the upper-hand in this thing on paper.  She is 20 years younger than this guy.  I don’t care how many blue pills he is popping, I guarantee chicks aren’t beating down his door to hop in bed with a 62 year-old dude with gray hair, flabby skin, and old…balls…gross.  When flirting over the phone you NEVER want to be the last one to communicate(and you definitely don’t want to be the last one to communicate 65,000 times in a row).  I definitely learned this lesson the one the hard way(more than once).  I’ll be texting back and forth with a girl and she’ll be just eating up my jokes. Just flirty LOLs and HAHAHAHAs all over the place.  Then the convo clearly comes to end point but instead of playing it smooth and leave her wanting more…I come back with something stupid like “So…what are you up to this weekend?” and…crickets. Just kills all momentum.  One text too many and its over before it even started.  If this girl wasn’t so effing crazy(just a hypothetical, she’s a chick so of course she is crazy) she could’ve had this old guy back in a minute.  Tone down the crazy and make him think it was his idea.  This guy knows that he doesn’t have a lot of options and if a chick can stand his presence for a minute he should hold on to her like grim death…which isn’t far off.

PS: This chick is probably getting recruited like mad by tele-marketing companies.  Dial, click, dial, all day long with no bathroom breaks.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volumne One

August 29, 2011 2 comments

(IMMOKALEE) — An Immokalee man is facing a domestic battery charge after authorities say he gave his girlfriend a hair cut — while she slept. David Bustos, 26, of the 700 block of Crestview Circle, was arrested Thursday by Collier County sheriff’s deputies at home. Bustos and his girlfriend got into an argument on Tuesday causing Bustos to leave his girlfriend’s home, according to an arrest report. She told deputies that around 7 a.m. the next morning she awoke in her bed to Bustos shaving her head with an electric hair clipper. He used such force with the clippers that it caused a small cut on her scalp, according to reports. The victim told deputies that she immediately kicked him off of her and he fled the home. Deputies said there were several sections of braided hair lying on the victim’s bed.

 

Ok, so I haven’t done a Mid 20s Dating Guide blog in a while because quite frankly…I am out of material.  I pretty much put everything I know about girls and dating into like three blogs.  I am out of tips on things to do.  I didn’t realize until today that I know way more about what NOT to do.  Some from experience, and some from common sense.  So here is Volume One of probably an infinite part series about what not to do when dating girls.

 

So, if you have a fight with your girlfriend I would say probably the number one thing NOT to do is sneak back into her room at night and buzz off all of her hair.  Yeah, yeah its battery blah blah blah…that’s not the biggest issue at hand here.  Bro…YOU CUT OFF YOUR GIRL’S HAIR!!! Girls with short hair are disgusting, and girls with buzzed heads are even worse.  Exhibit A) Britney Spears.  I put up with all her weight issues, pregnancies, and scarring from her pregnancies because deep down I knew “I’m a Slave For You” Britney Spears was still in there somewhere.  However, the minute she cut all her hair off I checked out forever.  Girls should never ever have their hair shorter than their shoulders.  That’s just the law, or at least it should be.  Now this guy is completely stuck.  He can’t break up with her now. Break up and she is 100% going through with these charges.  If he sweet talks her into giving the relationship another shot…she will drop the charges.  So now this guy is in a relationship with a bald freak.  Back fire of the century.

And if this guy thought his girlfriend got pissed before when he didn’t notice that she made a minor change to her hair, he hasn’t seen anything yet.   Girls pay like $500 every month for some chick to put little blonde streaks in their hair and cut off a half an inch.  This girl will practically be living at the salon trying to salvage something she can leave the house with.  Guess what happens if she walks in and this guy didn’t notice that she changed her hair?  Godzilla times a billion!!!  All around failure by this guy.  I may not know much about dating, but I do know that if you cut a girl’s hair off in the middle of the night…that’s a no-win situation.

 

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WSJ tries to use math to show people that they are drunk…DUMB

August 12, 2011 Leave a comment

(WSJ)–How much alcohol does it take to get intoxicated? Many people figure a few beers at a ballgame or a couple of glasses of wine with dinner won’t put them over the legal limit for driving. But how alcohol affects people is highly individual, with a number of factors in the mix. Quick shots of liquor hit the bloodstream faster than slow sips of wine. Drinking on an empty stomach impairs reflexes more than consuming alcohol with food. And women and older drinkers generally hit legal intoxication levels sooner than men and younger people. Carbonated beverages raise alcohol levels faster, because the gas irritates the stomach lining, causing alcohol to be absorbed faster. (Sweet or caffeinated alcoholic drinks aren’t absorbed any faster, it just seems that way because people often consume more of them than they realize.)

I like the Wall St Journal and everything, but this has to be dumbest/most obvious article ever written.  Any college freshman could have told you that putting back shots gets you more hammered than sipping wine or that drinking without eating will get you drunk quicker.  Did they really need a whole investigative study to show that big fat guys can handle their booze better than petite chicks?  This is stuff people learn through experience.  And what the hell am I supposed to do with all these equations, walk around with a calculator?  The only time I hate math more than when I am sober is when I am drunk.  There is already way too much math involved at the bar.  Like if I have $40 in my hand, Miller Lites are $4, there are $5 ‘you call it’ vodka drinks, and Guinness is $7…what percent chance do I have of getting the busty blonde bartender’s phone number?  Now…when I am sober I know the answer to that question is always 0%.  Yet, I get that equation wrong all the time when I am drunk and that $40 goes right into the hot bartender’s purse.

Moral of the story is that math isn’t going to get drunks anywhere.  I know I am drunk when I start to think that I am an awesome dancer and that blonde bartender has been flirting with me all night.

PS: Katie from the study listed at 24 years-old 5’6″ and 110lbs and gets drunk very easily…call me.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Girls That Are Undateable UPDATE

July 14, 2011 2 comments

So a couple weeks ago I did a blog post about girls that are “undateable”.  Number two on the list was girls with cats.  I said the following: She Has a Cat, and that Cat has a Human name — Full disclosure, I hate cats.  They are like the worst possible pet.  I feel like cats think they are better than everyone.  They are like that teenager with a bad attitude.  Just chatting on their cell phone, telling their parents how much they hate them and then the next minute is turning around and asking for money.  Cats are leaving home as soon as they turn 18 and they are never coming back.  I feel like girls with cats and especially girls with cats that have human names are starved for affection and need something to hold on to at night until they lock down a guy. Any girl who can love a cat is probably wicked clingy.

Well it turns out girls with cats are now dateable.  I guess you can easily just turn cats off.

 

“Oh hey, you have a cat? Yeah that’s totally cool.” Then I would just paperclip its back and throw it under the couch or something.  Problem solved. An entire demographic of girls is back on the market.

 

PS: What actually happens when the cat is deactivated? Is it like in a coma or is it just paralyzed? Basically what I want to know is if the cat is aware that I just turned it off.  I want the cat to know that I can totally turn it into a vegetable anytime I feel like it.  Maybe if cats knew that they wouldn’t be such arrogant sons of bitches.

PPS: Now that Girls with cats are cool, I want to replace them on the undateable girls list with “girls that are really into horoscopes and shit”.  Look, that’s fun or whatever, but just because Venus is lined up with Mars and the moon is somewhere in the sky doesn’t mean that we are in love.

“Hey Baby, wanna see my Alligator?”

June 27, 2011 Leave a comment

Ford Heights, ILCook County Sheriff’s police removed a four-foot alligator from the home of a Ford Heights man who kept the reptile as a pet. Investigators with the Cook County Sheriff’s Office Animal Crimes Unit received a tip that a man was keeping an alligator in confined conditions. Officers went to the residence and found the alligator in a fish tank in the kitchen. Dewayne Yarbrough, 43, is charged with possession of a dangerous animal. He told police he purchased it five years ago in Indiana for $200 and kept it as a pet because it attracted women. Full size alligators are normally 8 to 14 feet in length, but police say Yarbrough only fed his alligator once a month to keep it small. The gator was transferred to Animal Welfare League in Chicago Ridge and will be turned over to Chicago Herpilogical Society.

What was with the News woman at the end of this?  “Who told him women are attracted to alligators?” Hey, do you really think this guy would keep an alligator in his kitchen if it didn’t get him laid? I have been running a dating advice column on here, but I am seriously considering reaching out to Dewayne Yarbrough for advice.  He is 43 and has probably forgotten more about women than I will ever know.  Still bringing the heat, and spicing shit up.  If you are in your 40s, you can’t just rely on having a nice car anymore, and Dewayne gets that.

PS: Dewayne was obviously into some freaky alligator sex.  His pet alligator was turned over to the Herpilogical Society.  Poor little guy.  I didn’t even know alligators could get herpes.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Scripting the First Few Plays

June 23, 2011 4 comments

I normally save the dating blogs for Friday, but this shit is imminent.  I am starting to chase this new girl and I was like pretty much planning on re-using the exact same dates that I had with my last girlfriend.  Every girl that I bounced this idea off of was like “Oh you can’t do that. That’s weird. New girl, new dates. blah blah blah.” The most positive response I got was “I guess that’s ok, but you can never let her find out.”

One girl even suggested that I might be doing it to stage a run-in or recreate memories…ridiculous.  Look, here is the deal…I don’t have a lot of tricks up my sleeve.  I am not like talking about some bar to get a drink or like chain restaurant. The dates I want to re-use are like A+ dates.  I am using them because they worked on the last girlfriend. Like these dates charmed the last girl’s pants off…literally. Why wouldn’t I use them again? It’s all about preparation.  Do you think Tom Brady lights up the NFL just by showing up in time for the kickoff? No chance.  The guy uses past experiences, studies his ass off, creates a game plan, and then lets talent just take over.  He has his first set of plays scripted before the game even starts.  That’s what I am doing here.  Go with what works, then get there and turn on the charm.

All girls are saying that they would be mad/disappointed if they found out.  I think they should really be honored and impressed that I would put in some preparation before the dates.  Even more so, if I know like a house specialty or like the best spot to sit, the date is just going to be more enjoyable.  What do people think? Am I, like usual, so on point that I am revolutionizing how you think about dating and relationships…or, like usual, am I completely delusional?

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