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Posts Tagged ‘Mid 20s dating guide’

WSJ tries to use math to show people that they are drunk…DUMB

August 12, 2011 Leave a comment

(WSJ)–How much alcohol does it take to get intoxicated? Many people figure a few beers at a ballgame or a couple of glasses of wine with dinner won’t put them over the legal limit for driving. But how alcohol affects people is highly individual, with a number of factors in the mix. Quick shots of liquor hit the bloodstream faster than slow sips of wine. Drinking on an empty stomach impairs reflexes more than consuming alcohol with food. And women and older drinkers generally hit legal intoxication levels sooner than men and younger people. Carbonated beverages raise alcohol levels faster, because the gas irritates the stomach lining, causing alcohol to be absorbed faster. (Sweet or caffeinated alcoholic drinks aren’t absorbed any faster, it just seems that way because people often consume more of them than they realize.)

I like the Wall St Journal and everything, but this has to be dumbest/most obvious article ever written.  Any college freshman could have told you that putting back shots gets you more hammered than sipping wine or that drinking without eating will get you drunk quicker.  Did they really need a whole investigative study to show that big fat guys can handle their booze better than petite chicks?  This is stuff people learn through experience.  And what the hell am I supposed to do with all these equations, walk around with a calculator?  The only time I hate math more than when I am sober is when I am drunk.  There is already way too much math involved at the bar.  Like if I have $40 in my hand, Miller Lites are $4, there are $5 ‘you call it’ vodka drinks, and Guinness is $7…what percent chance do I have of getting the busty blonde bartender’s phone number?  Now…when I am sober I know the answer to that question is always 0%.  Yet, I get that equation wrong all the time when I am drunk and that $40 goes right into the hot bartender’s purse.

Moral of the story is that math isn’t going to get drunks anywhere.  I know I am drunk when I start to think that I am an awesome dancer and that blonde bartender has been flirting with me all night.

PS: Katie from the study listed at 24 years-old 5’6″ and 110lbs and gets drunk very easily…call me.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Girls That Are Undateable UPDATE

July 14, 2011 2 comments

So a couple weeks ago I did a blog post about girls that are “undateable”.  Number two on the list was girls with cats.  I said the following: She Has a Cat, and that Cat has a Human name — Full disclosure, I hate cats.  They are like the worst possible pet.  I feel like cats think they are better than everyone.  They are like that teenager with a bad attitude.  Just chatting on their cell phone, telling their parents how much they hate them and then the next minute is turning around and asking for money.  Cats are leaving home as soon as they turn 18 and they are never coming back.  I feel like girls with cats and especially girls with cats that have human names are starved for affection and need something to hold on to at night until they lock down a guy. Any girl who can love a cat is probably wicked clingy.

Well it turns out girls with cats are now dateable.  I guess you can easily just turn cats off.

 

“Oh hey, you have a cat? Yeah that’s totally cool.” Then I would just paperclip its back and throw it under the couch or something.  Problem solved. An entire demographic of girls is back on the market.

 

PS: What actually happens when the cat is deactivated? Is it like in a coma or is it just paralyzed? Basically what I want to know is if the cat is aware that I just turned it off.  I want the cat to know that I can totally turn it into a vegetable anytime I feel like it.  Maybe if cats knew that they wouldn’t be such arrogant sons of bitches.

PPS: Now that Girls with cats are cool, I want to replace them on the undateable girls list with “girls that are really into horoscopes and shit”.  Look, that’s fun or whatever, but just because Venus is lined up with Mars and the moon is somewhere in the sky doesn’t mean that we are in love.

“Hey Baby, wanna see my Alligator?”

June 27, 2011 Leave a comment

Ford Heights, ILCook County Sheriff’s police removed a four-foot alligator from the home of a Ford Heights man who kept the reptile as a pet. Investigators with the Cook County Sheriff’s Office Animal Crimes Unit received a tip that a man was keeping an alligator in confined conditions. Officers went to the residence and found the alligator in a fish tank in the kitchen. Dewayne Yarbrough, 43, is charged with possession of a dangerous animal. He told police he purchased it five years ago in Indiana for $200 and kept it as a pet because it attracted women. Full size alligators are normally 8 to 14 feet in length, but police say Yarbrough only fed his alligator once a month to keep it small. The gator was transferred to Animal Welfare League in Chicago Ridge and will be turned over to Chicago Herpilogical Society.

What was with the News woman at the end of this?  “Who told him women are attracted to alligators?” Hey, do you really think this guy would keep an alligator in his kitchen if it didn’t get him laid? I have been running a dating advice column on here, but I am seriously considering reaching out to Dewayne Yarbrough for advice.  He is 43 and has probably forgotten more about women than I will ever know.  Still bringing the heat, and spicing shit up.  If you are in your 40s, you can’t just rely on having a nice car anymore, and Dewayne gets that.

PS: Dewayne was obviously into some freaky alligator sex.  His pet alligator was turned over to the Herpilogical Society.  Poor little guy.  I didn’t even know alligators could get herpes.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Scripting the First Few Plays

June 23, 2011 4 comments

I normally save the dating blogs for Friday, but this shit is imminent.  I am starting to chase this new girl and I was like pretty much planning on re-using the exact same dates that I had with my last girlfriend.  Every girl that I bounced this idea off of was like “Oh you can’t do that. That’s weird. New girl, new dates. blah blah blah.” The most positive response I got was “I guess that’s ok, but you can never let her find out.”

One girl even suggested that I might be doing it to stage a run-in or recreate memories…ridiculous.  Look, here is the deal…I don’t have a lot of tricks up my sleeve.  I am not like talking about some bar to get a drink or like chain restaurant. The dates I want to re-use are like A+ dates.  I am using them because they worked on the last girlfriend. Like these dates charmed the last girl’s pants off…literally. Why wouldn’t I use them again? It’s all about preparation.  Do you think Tom Brady lights up the NFL just by showing up in time for the kickoff? No chance.  The guy uses past experiences, studies his ass off, creates a game plan, and then lets talent just take over.  He has his first set of plays scripted before the game even starts.  That’s what I am doing here.  Go with what works, then get there and turn on the charm.

All girls are saying that they would be mad/disappointed if they found out.  I think they should really be honored and impressed that I would put in some preparation before the dates.  Even more so, if I know like a house specialty or like the best spot to sit, the date is just going to be more enjoyable.  What do people think? Am I, like usual, so on point that I am revolutionizing how you think about dating and relationships…or, like usual, am I completely delusional?

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