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Posts Tagged ‘Hurricane Irene’

Obama totally kicked Hurricane Irene’s ass

August 29, 2011 2 comments

People were making this storm out to be Hurricane Katrina’s evil twin.  It was going to flood Washington DC, turn New York into sea world, and just completely wash away Boston.  Hurricane Irene didn’t account for one thing though…Obama swag.  Obama just stared that bitch right in the eyes and told her to leave his vacation alone.  Before you knew it America was winning the Little League World Series and Irene coward away like the little tropical storm that she was.  You hurricanes might have been able to pull that shit on Bush, but no weather fronts are destroying cities on Obama’s watch.

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Oh poor Puerto Rico has sharks swimming in the streets…boo hoo. That’s nothing compared to the mutant killers in Lake Michigan

August 25, 2011 2 comments

Everyone and their mother is freaking out about how Hurricane Irene is the deadliest hurricane ever because its dropping sharks in people’s driveways or whatever down in Puerto Rico. So people in New York and Boston are freaking out like a bunch of bitches per usual. “Holy deah gawd!!! What if a wicked big gawd damn shahk swims right next to my cah? I could be just driving up Comm Ave about to give it the fingah, but then it might bite my ahm off. Call the National Gauhd!!!“. Earthquakes, hurricanes, sharks oh my!!! What a bunch of little bitches. Those guys have NO IDEA what real problems are. You know what is like a billion times worse than a shark…a Lamprey. What’s a Lamprey you ask…it can most accurately be described as the scariest mother-fucker on the planet…

(wikipedia)–Adults physically resemble eels, in that they have no scales, and can range anywhere from 13 to 100 centimetres (5 to 40 inches) long. Lacking paired fins, adult lampreys have large eyes, one nostril on the top of the head, and seven gill pores on each side of the head. The unique morphological characteristics of lampreys, such as their cartilaginous skeleton, suggest that they are the sister taxon (see cladistics) of all living jawed vertebrates (gnathostomes), and are usually considered the most basal group of the Vertebrata. They feed on prey as adults by attaching their mouthparts to the target animal’s body, then using their teeth to cut through surface tissues until they reach blood and body fluid.

(io9.com)–Lampreys are parasites that look like slimy eels with mouths that are ringed with several layers of jagged teeth. In some areas, like the Great Lakes of the United States, they’ve become an invasive pest that kills local trout and other valuable fish. So Michigan State researchers decided to come up with a foolproof lamprey repellant. After discarding several ideas, they hit upon the idea that nothing is scarier than smelling your own dead. So they whipped up a fluid that they describe as a “semiochemical mixture produced by the putrefying carcasses of sea lampreys.” Yes, they liquified rotting sea lampreys and poured the goo into a bathtub full of perfectly innocent lampreys.

Thanks a lot Michigan State scientists. If you dump Lamprey repellent on the Michigan side of the Lake guess where all of your flesh-eating vampire eels are going to go…right to North Ave Beach. So while Boston and NYC are crying because they could get a shark in their streets, Chicago DOES have mutants making a beeline for our shore. Those guys don’t know what real problems are. I would take a bath with shark before I would get into Lake Michigan with lampreys swimming around. Which sucks because Chicago is a summer city and needs summer dollars

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