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Posts Tagged ‘Guide To Women’

“Ask Amy” of the Trib has to be a dude, right?

March 13, 2012 Leave a comment

(Ask Amy)–

Dear Amy: I am an almost 30-year-old man, and I recently resigned from my job. On my last day at work, an 18-year-old co-worker cornered me and kissed me. She told me that she is very attracted to me and said if I wanted her, she’d be mine. We worked very closely together for the past four months and had gotten quite close as friends. The attraction is mutual. I find her to be a charming and beautiful girl. My concern is the age difference. I worry about how people will respond if we decide to enter into a relationship. My friends are divided — some say that I need to follow my heart, and others say that I shouldn’t even be thinking about dating an 18-year old. Am I wrong for thinking about entering into a relationship with this girl?

— Uncertain Suitor

Dear Uncertain: The red flags I see flying over this scenario are not only about the age difference between you two — but about her behavior. If the genders were reversed in this situation, and it was an 18-year-old man who “cornered and kissed” a 30-year-old woman, I’d suggest that somebody might want to get the police involved. Her behavior is so aggressive that you only need to imagine what she might do if you dated and then dropped her. (Picture her perched in a tree and yelling into a megaphone outside your apartment.) Take all of this into consideration, and if you still want to dip your toe into this pool of crazy, I say you two are (presumably) adults. Ask to see her driver’s license to verify her birth date, double check the laws of consent in your state, make sure her father’s not the angry type, shake the bushes for high school football player boyfriends, be prepared to have at least one conversation about Miley Cyrus, and go for it.

 

I mean did Amy hit this one out of the park or what?!?! When I read the letter from this gayball “Uncertain Suitor” I would have bet my life that Amy would tell this guy he is a creep, he should see a therapist, and should date someone his own age.  None of that happened here.  She looked at the situation and gave A+ advice.  Basically make sure it isn’t rape and go for it.  Even Amy realizes that hot 18 year-old girls who corner you for a kiss in the office don’t grow on trees. Its a once in a lifetime opportunity.  This guy has a winning lottery ticket and Amy knows he HAS to cash it in.  Well done Amy.  The only question this leaves me with is whether or not Amy is even a chick.  I mean she can’t be right?  I don’t know any women who would green light sex with a teenager. It just flies in the face of eye rolls from women since the dawn of time.  There is just no way Amy is a chick.  That’s the most rational advice I have ever heard.  Couldn’t have done better myself.

 

 

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Trying to have a “booty call” girl

November 14, 2011 Leave a comment

The Smoking GunA Tennessee woman who said she wanted a relationship–and did not want to be just “a booty call”–allegedly stabbed a male suitor Tuesday night after he became irate when she put the brakes on his attempts to “touch her suggestively,” police report. Oh, did we mention that the two are first cousins? Erica Wilson, 21, and Jesse Brooks, 32, were arrested and charged with aggravated domestic assault following a brawl in Brooks’s home in Rogersville. The combatants are pictured in the above mug shots. Wilson told a sheriff’s deputy that she and Brooks had “gotten into an argument about the status” of their relationship. It was during the argument, Wilson reported, that Brooks “began to touch her suggestively and stated that ‘he wanted her.’” In response, Wilson told her cousin that she “wanted a relationship and did not want to be ‘A Booty Call,’” according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report. The latter comment allegedly infuriated Brooks, who began cursing at Wilson, and then allegedly knocked her to the kitchen floor with a flurry of punches. Fighting back, Wilson grabbed a pair of scissors and slashed away at her cousin’s face, neck, arms, and back. An investigator noted that Wilson and Brooks, who smelled of booze, admitted to consuming significant amounts of Everclear grain alcohol. Since a “primary aggressor” could not be determined, both cousins were arrested. Wilson, a Taco Bell employee, bonded out of jail yesterday after posting $4000 bond. Her cousin remains locked up in the county jail in lieu of $4000 bond. Both are set to be arraigned in Sessions Court later this month.

Ok, first things first…I erased where this story was from to make it interactive.  You guys have to guess where the first cousins booty call couple is from:

Are they from:

a) The South

b) The South

c) The South

d) The South

e) Other

 

Now down to business.  Guys…if you are trying to find a girl who is cool with just casually hooking up and being a booty call…quit now.  If you think you have a girl who is cool with being a casual hook up girl…you are a moron and you don’t.  I don’t care what that girl says, girls are NEVER cool with just hooking up.  She will say whatever she has to say to keep you around, but at the end of the day she is calling you her boyfriend to her friends and is planning a wedding.  That’s just how girls operate.  It doesn’t matter how much you want to keep it casual because the chick wants it to be exclusive and serious that much times a billion.  Eventually it’s either gonna be serious or your going to get assaulted and/or murdered.

I am sure this chick wanted to announce their engagement at Thanksgiving dinner, but this dude wasn’t having it.  The girl did what 110% of chicks would do in this situation and tried to cut holes in his face.  This guy has nobody to blame but himself.  The guy is obviously a slow learner.  Odds are that his parents were cousins too.

 

PS: The correct answer to the question above was…The South.  Specifically Tennessee.

 

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Marriage Proposals are getting out of hand

October 10, 2011 2 comments

 

 

Seriously bro?!?!?! I am getting really tired of all these crazy ass wedding proposals.  Like, I am not close to getting married so by the time I decide to make some lucky girl’s dreams come true I am going to have to propose on the moon or something.  People need to relax.  What ever happened to just getting down on one knee and popping the question?

 

 

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Chicks trying to get you wifed up

September 20, 2011 1 comment

 

Stay strong bro, stay strong.  The kid is right…this girl can’t yell at him because she isn’t the boss…but the second you get married…she 100% is the boss.  I mean, I wouldn’t want to marry this chick either. I mean this is how she is before the marriage, imagine what she is going to be like once this guy is all locked up.  This is the danger of Mid 20s dating.  You date a girl for a few months and next thing you know you are over at her house and she has wedding magazines all over the coffee table with pages marked.  Obviously the first instinct here would be to run…but then you realize you’ll have to go without regular sex. So you pretend that you can avoid the whole situation and press the ejector button at the last second.  Which is nearly impossible.  So a  few more months go by and your girl has worn you down to the point where you’ll do anything to stop that yelling and nagging. Before you know…you are standing at the altar wondering where you went wrong.  It’s too late at that point though. You’re done.  Which is why I have so much respect for this kid.  He flat out refused to hear about marriage. He wouldn’t even look at her. He even tried to get his mom to reason with this broad.  So he went with the big guns.  The old Costanza move. He turned on the water works.  Good move guy.  Good move.

 

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volume 2

September 8, 2011 Leave a comment

(AMSTERDAM, AP) — Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam. Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn’t excessive. The man denied they had a relationship. The court ordered her not to contact him again.

Here we go with Volume 2 in an infinite part series about what NOT to do in relationships.

Girls are so bat shit crazy its unbelievable.  Everyone has made a drunken phone call to an ex that they wish they could take back, but this girl has taken it to a whole different level.  65,000 calls a year is 179 calls a day and 7 or 8 per hour.  This chick’s fulltime job is being a lunatic.  I get that this chick is single and desperate and wants her boyfriend back, but she is going about it all wrong.  Kind of a rookie move for a 42 year-old dating veteran.  I mean she totally had the upper-hand in this thing on paper.  She is 20 years younger than this guy.  I don’t care how many blue pills he is popping, I guarantee chicks aren’t beating down his door to hop in bed with a 62 year-old dude with gray hair, flabby skin, and old…balls…gross.  When flirting over the phone you NEVER want to be the last one to communicate(and you definitely don’t want to be the last one to communicate 65,000 times in a row).  I definitely learned this lesson the one the hard way(more than once).  I’ll be texting back and forth with a girl and she’ll be just eating up my jokes. Just flirty LOLs and HAHAHAHAs all over the place.  Then the convo clearly comes to end point but instead of playing it smooth and leave her wanting more…I come back with something stupid like “So…what are you up to this weekend?” and…crickets. Just kills all momentum.  One text too many and its over before it even started.  If this girl wasn’t so effing crazy(just a hypothetical, she’s a chick so of course she is crazy) she could’ve had this old guy back in a minute.  Tone down the crazy and make him think it was his idea.  This guy knows that he doesn’t have a lot of options and if a chick can stand his presence for a minute he should hold on to her like grim death…which isn’t far off.

PS: This chick is probably getting recruited like mad by tele-marketing companies.  Dial, click, dial, all day long with no bathroom breaks.

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The Mid 20s Dating Scene

May 23, 2011 2 comments

I am re-entering the Mid-20s dating scene and I feel like I actually know what I am doing so I am providing the citizens with guide to mid-20s dinner dates. Having said that, I have never been a ladies man so there is a good chance I am a completely off base.  These are the things to do on your early dates.  As far as getting to this point…I can’t help you.

Dinner Dates:

  1. Finding hidden gems of restaurants.  Chicks dig little hidden restaurants that you probably won’t find on google.  If you’re going to a chain restaurant or a famous restaurant early in your first couple dates…you’re doing something wrong.  Knowing little restaurants shows that you’re worldly and you know your way around town. This shows her you’ll be able to teach her stuff and show her finer points of life.
  2. Ordering cool mix drinks or knowing a lot about wine.  I suck at this one.  My go to “cool guy mixed drink” is an Old Fashioned, and I only know what that is because Donald Draper drinks at least 5 of them an episode during Mad Men and he is the coolest m-effer in history.  The problem with an Old Fashioned is that it looks like it could a chick drink because it has a cherry and an orange in it.  So if the girl doesn’t know what it is, then you could be screwed because you can’t tell her that Don Draper drinks it on Mad Men.  Knowing wines is cool too.  If you can casually ask good questions about different bottles or drop wine terms with the waiter then you are in good shape.  I try to stick with wines that I know I can pronounce.
  3. PUT DOWN A TON OF FOOD.  All girls have food issues on some level.  Putting away the appetizer, your entire plate, and maybe a bite of her dinner will allow her to relax and enjoy her meal.  This is also just a primal thing.  I am sure back when Men were hunting for dinner, cromagnum cave chicks gravitated to the guy who was eating the most food. Shows strength and that he will throw you his scraps when he is done. There are two caveats with this rule 1) You still need to talk and have good manners, keep your mouth closed when you chew and 2) you can’t be a fat dude.
  4. Tipping. Be a friend of the common man and tip like a baller.  Show her you’re a generous spirit.  Tip cabbies, bartenders, homeless guys, waittresses…everybody gets some love on early dates. 

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