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DWTS Finals Recap: Katherine Jenkins coronation

May 22, 2012 Leave a comment

No mercy rule on Dancing With The Stars I guess because Katherine Jenkins flat ran up the score on Maria Menounos with her last dance. By singing Katherine basically told Maria that when this competition is over she is going to go back to having the greatest voice on planet Earth and Maria will go back to reporting about baby bumps and asking more talented people what they are wearing until some younger version of Maria takes her job.  Absolute insult to injury.  I love it.  Great way to put an exclamation mark on an impressive victory.

I guess there are two other people in the finals against Katherine, but it doesn’t really matter.  This championship was going to come down to Katherine or Maria.  These guys are only in the finals because Katherine decided to deal a knockout punch last week.  This really is a coronation.  A mere formality.  If the other dancers had any virtue they would gracefully concede and just let Katherine sing and dance alone on stage for two hours.  This competition was really over before it started.  I don’t want to say I told you so…but I totally did…

As long as I can remember I don’t think my head, my heart, and my balls have ever agreed on something.  Every fiber of my soul is telling me Katherine Jenkins is going to win this competition.  The girl has everything.  She is adorable, she is dripping in sex, great voice, unbelievable eyes, bombs like you dream about, great dancer, smile.  If she can cook she is the perfect woman.  I have never been so instantly in love with a celebrity(or anyone) in my life.  I wish I could buy stock in Katherine Jenkins because this chick is on the rise.  She is going to be a super-mega star stateside.  So in my totally unbiased, humble, expert, opinion…the Season 14 DWTS Champion will be Katherine Jenkins and it should be like Secretariat at the Belmont.

It got a little tough in the middle there against Maria, but once Katherine started taking my advice there was no looking back.  Total team effort between Katherine and I.  All hail Katherine, Princess of Wales and Season 14 DWTS Champ and her coach/confidant/inspiration/future husband, yours truly…The Chief.

 

PS:  I didn’t talk about her other dance because honestly…that was my fault.  I got so overjoyed with the KO of Menounos that I lost focus and didn’t give the type of advice she needed.  Kathy, baby, sweetheart…I don’t care if it is the Paso Doble…nothing but hits babe.  Don’t dance to some boring ass old song with no lyrics.  Next time go with Bieber.  I should have told you, my bad.

 

 

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DOWN GOES MENOUNOS!!!!

May 15, 2012 Leave a comment

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!?!  The Chief does it again.  My Dancing With The Stars strategies are getting to a Belichick level.  No, check that, I am on a Sun Tzu level.  When it comes to Dancing With The Stars strategy I am playing Chess while everyone else is playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.  I told Katherine what to do repeatedly, and the minute she listens she knocks out Maria Menounos.

Hopefully Katherine was scared straight last night.  It’s the semi-finals now.  Time to bring out the big guns.  And by “big guns” I mean her cleavage.  DO IT KATHY BABY, DO IT!!!

 I love Katherine, but I just don’t think you can take the high road to victory.  Right now Katherine is winning the hearts and minds, but Maria has America by the balls.  So the score is 2-2.  It’s time for Katherine to step up her sex game.  Use that cleavage.  Fight fire with fire.  You can do it Katherine.

The score was deadlocked for weeks on end.  2-2.  Katherine with the hearts and minds and Maria owning America’s balls.  In order to break the death match Katherine had to go down to Maria’s level.  She had to slut it up.  It almost killed her, but Katherine brought her maximum sex and it ended the competition.  Clearly loosened Maria’s grip on America’s balls and broke the tie.  Perfect scores couldn’t save Maria.  3-2 Katherine as a final.  The snake charmer salsa tickled Americans in jus the right place.  Rose up and gave her the victory.  Damn it feels good to be a champion.  Now Katherine is free to be herself in the final.  Just elegant and graceful as a princess.  We did it Katherine.  You and me together babe.  Next week is merely a formality.  Let the coronation begin.

Picking winners like it ain’t no thang…per usual. The Chief is wise.

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DWTS Week 8 Recap: HEART ATTACK CITY

For the second time this year Katherine Jenkins faced elimination.  I hate to say it, but she is doing it to herself.  If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times….you can’t take the high road to victory in Dancing With The Stars.  The competition is all about conveying sex so pant suits and a dress that Catholic nun would find too conservative isn’t the way to go.  Especially when Maria Menounos’s theme seems to be “Sluts Around The World”.  This has been a recurring problem for Katherine from the get go and I have been trying to help her realize that less is more.  I guess you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her take her clothes off.  That whole wardrobe malfunction was terrible, but it was totally avoidable.  Maybe instead of wearing something from Hillary Clinton’s closet she should have started in that little dress and removed clothing from there.

Now…having said all of that…Carrie Ann…STFU!!! An 8? Bitch you crazy?  Just because the dress sucked it doesn’t mean the whole dance sucked.  I think Carrie Ann secretly hates Katherine.  Tried her best to get her kicked off the show and it almost worked.  Last night was the first time I ever really watched the results show.  Sat there in a cold sweat and my hands shaking.  I could barely even grip the remote control.  Two and a half hours waiting to see if she would survive double elimination week probably took years off of my life.  If she got bounced last night it’d be over.  She’d go back to England and be out of my life forever.  I can’t do long distance internet stalking.  I don’t think I exhaled until they announced that Laura Ingalls was going home.  Hopefully Katherine was scared straight last night.  It’s the semi-finals now.  Time to bring out the big guns.  And by “big guns” I mean her cleavage.  DO IT KATHY BABY, DO IT!!!

PS: ABC obviously only posts tweets from the very best smut bloggers…

Thanks to everyone who sent me the picture.

PPS: I don’t understand how people can be all cool with Chris Brown.  Guy should still be in jail.

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Katherine Jenkins is BLAZING HOT

May 7, 2012 1 comment

Katherine Jenkins just proving that there is a God.  There is no way a girl this perfect just happened by a random act of genetics and the universe.  No chance.  Some super genius created her.  Just an absolute masterpiece of a woman.  These pictures are burning up the internet right now.  Strutting around Los Angeles in those little flower shorts during the day, and then so sexy in that dress at night.  Unreal.  Just so hot in that see-through I can’t even stand it.  I feel like I should write an obituary for that dress because she absolutely murdered it.

I don’t know who is more rattled by these pictures hitting the web today…me or Maria Menounos?  Like obviously I am a little shaken by the fact that Katherine is everywhere now.  Everyone is obsessed with her and she is giving out love on twitter to a bunch of nobodies when I invented loving her like 8 weeks ago.  I can just chalk it up to her playing hard to get.  Just looking fierce trying to taunt and tease me.  Maria…she is effed.  Like Maria works for E!. She knows these pics are out there.  That’s gotta be intimidating as hell.  Katherine looking so god damn smoking on an off day, one can only imagine what she is going to bring to the table tonight.  Maria probably saw these pictures and completely scrapped her playbook for tonight.  Might just come out tonight and strip on the dance floor like it’s Argentina DWTS.  That’s her only play.  If Katherine is looking this fierce without even really trying then Maria has to know she doesn’t have a chance.  I am so intrigued.  Can’t wait for tonight.  This might be the final knockout blow to Maria.  She has been so resilient all season, but she can’t keep taking punches like this forever.

PS: If you are ever looking for actual dance commentary about the show you need to go here. Digital Spy knows their shit.

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Katherine Jenkins playing hard to get…I dig it

April 30, 2012 1 comment

I was scrolling through my twitter feed today and my girl Katherine Jenkins was giving shoutouts to all these different people.  Just a bunch of Johnny-come-lately bandwagon jumpers that haven’t loved Katherine like I have.  Literal twitter kisses to some bro in Louisiana.  At first I was a little pissed.  Like WTF Katherine?  How are you going to play me like that?  Like I practically invented loving Katherine Jenkins and she flat refuses to acknowledge my presence.  But then it hit.  It was so obvious.  She is just playing hard to get.  Hey Kathy baby…I LOVE that game.  I’ll play it like Lionel Richie baby…all night long.  I’ve got dedication like you read about.  This is basically how it starts out with every girl I have ever been with.  They just act as though I am no big deal and they aren’t interested…then I just wear them down with humor, dancing ability, and sheer determination.  Then bam…they fall in love.  So let’s see that rumba tonight you little Welsh Wiggler.  I can feel your better judgement cracking.  And just remember….

PS: Hey @RanAnderson from Chicago…beat it bro

PPS: If Katherine Jenkins’s type isn’t the funny guy with Jackson Harris’s face and Henrik Lundqvist’s hair then I don’t know what to do.

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Katherine Jenkins doing her best to raise my spirits

April 24, 2012 Leave a comment

Katherine, from the bottom of my heart…thank you for that.  After the Blackhawks game last night the only thing keeping me going was the hope that Katherine Jenkins would come back this week and really bring her best sex game.  Well…she delivered for me big time.  She slutted up the dance floor big time and it was just what the doctor ordered.  Don’t know what the judges said about this dance because I don’t watch that part of the show, but I can tell you that I felt it deep in my plums.  All tens as far as I am concerned.  Going the slut route obviously isn’t Katherine’s first instinct, but she knew that she had to respond to Maria’s stranglehold on America’s balls.  Big time answer.  Talk about just role reversals with these two heavy weights.  Maria threw America a curveball last night too.  Ditched the soft-core porn routine and really classed it up.  Pretty damn elegant for chick from Medford, Mass.  I feel like this is when Rocky fought Apollo Creed the second time and came out fighting righty even though he was a natural South Paw.  Then when the fight was on the line, went back to his strengths.  Maria clearly trying to throw Katherine off here in the early rounds before she flips the switch and goes back to straight up having sex on the dance floor.  This rivalry is as good as it gets.  Must see TV the rest of the way.

 

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Menounos vs Jenkins is the rivalry of the decade

April 17, 2012 Leave a comment

 

 

There are only two dancers worth watching at this point and it’s Maria Menounos and Katherine Jenkins.  Two absolute bombshells who couldn’t be more different.  This rivalry on Season 14 Dancing With The Stars is Ali-Frazier, Magic-Bird, and the entire Rocky series all rolled into one.  Just an epic showdown.  I really thought Maria Menounos was done for after Katherine just swiped Derek Hough right in her grill, but Maria Menounos didn’t hear no bell.  Came back this week just absolutely dripping in sex….again.  Maria is throwing her best fastball right in Katherine’s wheel house and daring her to hit it.  Maria knows that sex sells so she is getting down and dirty.  Wearing nothing, shaking that ass, making out on the dance floor, anything goes.  America loves it, the judges love it, even looked like Derek Hough was into it.  My question is…how long can Katherine just turn the other cheek?  I mean yeah…Katherine Jenkins got nearly a perfect score from the judges, but it was Latin night…which is supposed to mean one thing…SEX! Yet I didn’t feel it in my plums once during this dance.  I love Katherine, but I just don’t think you can take the high road to victory.  Right now Katherine is winning the hearts and minds, but Maria has America by the balls.  So the score is 2-2.  It’s time for Katherine to step up her sex game.  Use that cleavage.  Fight fire with fire.  You can do it Katherine.

 

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Just when I thought I couldn’t be any more attracted to Katherine Jenkins…

April 13, 2012 Leave a comment

(Toronto Sun)–Welsh singer Katherine Jenkins and dancer Derek Hough have fuelled rumours of a romance after they were spotted enjoying an intimate night out in Los Angeles earlier this week.The classical superstar is currently taking part in U.S. TV series Dancing With The Stars, and was rumoured to have struck up a close friendship with Hough, who performs as a professional dancer on the show. The pair proved to be enjoying each other’s company while partying at The House of Blues on Monday, when they were snapped embracing and whispering to each other on the dancefloor. They appeared to beam with happiness as they enjoyed a cosy chat. Jenkins, who split from fiance Gethin Jones in December, had previously been linked to her dance partner, Mark Ballas, but she dismissed the reports – insisting their relationship was purely platonic.

IN YOUR FACE MENOUNOS!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!! Maria Menounos has been trying to wheel this Derek Hough guy the entire show.  Absolutely drooling over him.  Couple weeks ago, I admit it, she brought her best fastball.  Just dripping in sex.  Even kissed Hough on the dance floor.

No big deal.  Katherine just responded with the power move of all power moves.  Just swooped right in and stole Maria’s partner and crush right in her face.  Just nothing Menounos can do about it.  Wouldn’t surprise me if Maria just quits now.  Katherine is so deep in Maria’s head it’s not even funny.  This is a total game changer for me.  Like I didn’t know my love for Katherine could go to another level.  She is so sweet 99% of the time, but at the end of the day she just takes what she wants and does whatever it takes to win.  Just such a turn on.  She literally couldn’t be more perfect.

 

PS: I know a lot of people are probably thinking “Chief, how can your future wife hooking up with another dude be a turn on? Shouldn’t you be rattled?” Umm…get with the program people. First of all…I just turned 26…def not ready for a committment. Secondly, Katherine just called off an engagement.  This Derek bro is just a rebound guy.  I am in it for the long haul.  Do you honestly think that Katherine would rather end up with some jacked, rich, famous, professional dancer instead of a hilarious blogger?  You can only talk about the Waltz for so long.  Eventually chicks want to end up with the guy who can make them laugh.

 

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Dancing With The Stars Season 14 Breakdown

March 28, 2012 1 comment

 

This blog is a week or two late because I wasn’t going to watch Dancing With The Stars this season.  However, I realized that there are two things I love in this world…smut…and picking winners. So after I correctly picked the Season 13 winner of DWTS, and the Bachelor winner, I figured I owed it to the people to keep the streak going.  Just a little insight to how I operate during this show…I NEVER watch the judges scores.  I find the judges on this show annoying.  So I only watch the dances and fast forward through the scoring part.  I’m never influenced by what the pros think.  Just using my head, heart, and balls to churn out winners.  Here are the odds on all the Stars of Season 14:

Absolutely No Shot In Hell Division

Martina Navratilova: Already Eliminated

Most predictable first elimination in the history of competition.  This show is about sex appeal and there is no woman on earth that understands that less than Martina.  Best way to get yourself eliminated…dance like a dude and tell America that you haven’t worn a dress in 25 years.  She released a statement saying how she thought she had a chance to win…child please.

Jack Wagner: Odds to win = Bazillion-1

My direct quote when they introduced this guy was “umm…who?”.  Name recognition is key in this competition.  So being an old dude who I guess was on a TV show and sang a song at some point is not the way to go.  I can’t remember this guy’s first dance, and didn’t watch his second dance, so I have to go off of my notes which say “Seriously bro, could you be any more gay?”.  Don’t know what that was in reference to, but it can’t be good. He is probably the next one to be eliminated.

Melissa Gilbert: Odds to win = 1,000,000,000,000-1

My number one rule for this show is “no old chicks”.  So Laura Ingle ha terrible odds right off the bat, but the more I learned about her the steeper the odds became.  During her little intro thing she just went on and on with some sob story.  “I’ve been divorced twice and I broke my back wah wah wah”. Look lady, DWTS isn’t for the faint of heart.  So if you quit on two marriages I am going to go ahead and say that you are going to quit when training gets tough on this show too.  Then just when I thought she couldn’t be more pathetic…she comes on for her first dance wearing pants.  Seriously Laura, you got out-sexied by the grossest lesbian ever.  At least Martina threw a dress on.

Gavin DeGraw: Odds to win = 1,000,000,000-1

Nothing against Gavin DeGraw, but I seriously think I would be better than him tomorrow at this competition.  This guy has absolutely zero swag.  Looks like he is constantly thinking about what he is supposed to be doing.  It’s gotta be natural Gavin. Don’t think, just dance.

Lovable Sassy Black Woman Division

Gladys Knight: Odds to win = 10,000,000-1

Gladys, I love you.  You’re a legend and have star power for days, but rules are rules.  And the rule is “No Old Chicks”.  She has enough name recognition and a big enough fan base to out last the losers in the previous division.

Sherri Shepherd: Odds to win = 9,999,999-1

I have no idea who this woman is, but I guess she is one of the hosts of The View.  So negative points right there.  There is something about her that is likeable though.  Can’t put my finger on it.  She doesn’t have a real chance to win, and probably out lasts Gladys Knight because of her current show and the fact that she is a bit younger.

Eye Candy Division

 

William Levy: Odds to win = 500-1

No idea who this hombre is, but the chicks are sweating him big time.  Watched his first dance and couldn’t have been less impressed.  I thought Latin guys were supposed to have some rhythm.  I could seriously dance circles around this guy.  Girls voting for him so they drool over him will keep him around for a while, but he isn’t a serious contender.

Maria Menounos: Odds to win = 250-1

Maria is definitely hot.  She is from Boston, which scores her points in my book, but there is just something about her that isn’t quite right.  She doesn’t do it for me.  She has some sex appeal and name recognition which should keep her around for a while, but I’d be shocked if Maria actually won this thing.

The Contenders

Roshon Fegan: Odds to win = 50-1

To be perfectly honest…this kid annoyed the absolute shit out of me. Teenagers are just the worst.  He was just so cocky in his little intro thing.  “You probably know me from my show ‘Shake It Up’ on the Disney Channel.” Umm no actually I don’t, Roshon, because nobody watches that shit.  Get over yourself.  Having said all of that…the kid has serious talent.  Says he has dance training(which I thought was against the rules but whatever) and it shows.  He is also paired up with my favorite pro, Chelsea.  If he gets an army of teeny-boppers behind him, Roshon may just have a shot to win.

Donald Driver: Odds to win = 8-1

Swag on top of swag on top of swag.  Donald Driver brought the noise in his first dance.  Just absolutely killed it.  I feel like athletes typically do well in this competition too.  Driver has the heart of a champion, natural charisma, and a hot fire city blonde partner.  Legit contender to win the whole thing.

Jaleel White: Odds to win = 7-1

Jaleel White has some real talent according to his professional partner.  The guy is light on his feet for sure.  I think he can possibly win, with one caveat.  At some point…he has to embrace his past and be Urkel.  America loved Urkel. I get the impression that Jaleel White is so tired as being looked at as a complete nerd that he fights that character with every fiber of his being.  If he breaks out “The Urkel” in the finals it would be a real game changer.

The Love Of My Life Division

Katherine Jenkins: Odds to win: 2-5

As long as I can remember I don’t think my head, my heart, and my balls have ever agreed on something.  Every fiber of my soul is telling me Katherine Jenkins is going to win this competition.  The girl has everything.  She is adorable, she is dripping in sex, great voice, unbelievable eyes, bombs like you dream about, great dancer, smile.  If she can cook she is the perfect woman.  I have never been so instantly in love with a celebrity(or anyone) in my life.  I wish I could buy stock in Katherine Jenkins because this chick is on the rise.  She is going to be a super-mega star stateside.  So in my totally unbiased, humble, expert, opinion…the Season 14 DWTS Champion will be Katherine Jenkins and it should be like Secretariat at the Belmont.

 

PS: Seriously, Katherine…be more adorable. I dare you.

 

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Steve Urkel is gonna straight murder Dancing With The Stars

February 28, 2012 Leave a comment

 

 

Look it, I don’t know much…but I know Dancing With Stars inside and out.  Correctly picked the winner of the past 3 seasons before the first episode.  I will have a full breakdown coming later as we get closer to the first episode, but let’s get one thing out of the way right now.  Steve Urkel is winning this season and it won’t even be that close.  Everyone loved that show.  He will have the Chicago voting machine behind him and…let’s not forget that Urkel had dance moves on top of dance moves.

And if the nerd game is lacking, he can just morph himself into the coolest m-effer on the planet.  Stefan…

Swag for days.  Sorry to ruin the suspense ABC, but this one was just too obvious.

PS: Get me to a Chicago rooftop summer party RIGHT NOW!!!

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