Archive for the ‘Guide to Women’ Category

Chicks dig guys with effed up faces, right?

December 5, 2011 Leave a comment


Hell to the no.  Look it bro, hate to break it to ya, but chicks don’t dig parkour.  Its not even a real sport.  They especially don’t like guys with broken faces.



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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Trying to have a “booty call” girl

November 14, 2011 Leave a comment

The Smoking GunA Tennessee woman who said she wanted a relationship–and did not want to be just “a booty call”–allegedly stabbed a male suitor Tuesday night after he became irate when she put the brakes on his attempts to “touch her suggestively,” police report. Oh, did we mention that the two are first cousins? Erica Wilson, 21, and Jesse Brooks, 32, were arrested and charged with aggravated domestic assault following a brawl in Brooks’s home in Rogersville. The combatants are pictured in the above mug shots. Wilson told a sheriff’s deputy that she and Brooks had “gotten into an argument about the status” of their relationship. It was during the argument, Wilson reported, that Brooks “began to touch her suggestively and stated that ‘he wanted her.’” In response, Wilson told her cousin that she “wanted a relationship and did not want to be ‘A Booty Call,’” according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report. The latter comment allegedly infuriated Brooks, who began cursing at Wilson, and then allegedly knocked her to the kitchen floor with a flurry of punches. Fighting back, Wilson grabbed a pair of scissors and slashed away at her cousin’s face, neck, arms, and back. An investigator noted that Wilson and Brooks, who smelled of booze, admitted to consuming significant amounts of Everclear grain alcohol. Since a “primary aggressor” could not be determined, both cousins were arrested. Wilson, a Taco Bell employee, bonded out of jail yesterday after posting $4000 bond. Her cousin remains locked up in the county jail in lieu of $4000 bond. Both are set to be arraigned in Sessions Court later this month.

Ok, first things first…I erased where this story was from to make it interactive.  You guys have to guess where the first cousins booty call couple is from:

Are they from:

a) The South

b) The South

c) The South

d) The South

e) Other


Now down to business.  Guys…if you are trying to find a girl who is cool with just casually hooking up and being a booty call…quit now.  If you think you have a girl who is cool with being a casual hook up girl…you are a moron and you don’t.  I don’t care what that girl says, girls are NEVER cool with just hooking up.  She will say whatever she has to say to keep you around, but at the end of the day she is calling you her boyfriend to her friends and is planning a wedding.  That’s just how girls operate.  It doesn’t matter how much you want to keep it casual because the chick wants it to be exclusive and serious that much times a billion.  Eventually it’s either gonna be serious or your going to get assaulted and/or murdered.

I am sure this chick wanted to announce their engagement at Thanksgiving dinner, but this dude wasn’t having it.  The girl did what 110% of chicks would do in this situation and tried to cut holes in his face.  This guy has nobody to blame but himself.  The guy is obviously a slow learner.  Odds are that his parents were cousins too.


PS: The correct answer to the question above was…The South.  Specifically Tennessee.


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Marriage Proposals are getting out of hand

October 10, 2011 2 comments



Seriously bro?!?!?! I am getting really tired of all these crazy ass wedding proposals.  Like, I am not close to getting married so by the time I decide to make some lucky girl’s dreams come true I am going to have to propose on the moon or something.  People need to relax.  What ever happened to just getting down on one knee and popping the question?



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Ladies, am I too good looking to be the man of your dreams?

October 4, 2011 1 comment

(Daily Mail)–Romcoms and Mills and Boon novels might give the impression that all women are after a tall, blonde, mysterious Adonis. But the reality is slightly less glamorous. Six out of 10 women prefer a Mr Average, a new study has found. We crave dependability, domesticity, a little romance, humour and someone who is not that much taller than we are. A OnePoll survey of 3,000 women of all ages, conducted by Orangina, found that women overwhelmingly favoured a decidedly average guy – aged 30 to 45, 5ft 10in, dark haired, a good cook, in full-time employment but with a creative side – possibly a part-time musician or artist or blogger*. More than half (58 per cent) of the UK female population said their ideal man would be aged between 30-45 with just 23 per cent demanding that Mr Right be in his 20s. Eight out of 10 women said he would have dark hair. While only two per cent said they could go for a redhead. Four out of 10 want Mr Right to be 5ft 10in or smaller, and fewer than a quarter want him to be 6ft or over. Orangina spokesman, Steven Simpson, said: ‘We were quite shocked by the results, to be honest. ‘The least popular UK male would be a red-haired, 6ft tall, 20-something banker, according to our study. ‘We expected British women to demand a sexy French accent and a staggeringly tall frame on their ideal man. Instead, we have discovered that what women really want in Mr Right is dependability, domesticity, a little romance, humour and an average size in height terms. ‘It seems the boy next door has suddenly made a staggering comeback in the popularity stakes while the hunky sports-mad jock we expected to see at the top of the list, is surprisingly out of favour.’ Despite their love of ‘Mr Average’, UK women still dream of an exciting (if not very original) proposal with almost a third (31 per cent) claiming that the Eiffel Tower is the most romantic place in the world to pop the question. Putting that much preparation into a marriage proposal is likely make it successful no matter what you look like.

*editor’s amendment

Well this explains a lot.  I have been single for some time now and I couldn’t figure out why. I mean I am putting out the vibe at the bar.  Just blue steel all over the place, sick dance moves, buying drinks, holding doors, and of course being witty as hell.  I really thought I was a catch, something wasn’t adding up.  Now I know, my face is just too damn symmetrical.  CURSE THESE GENES!!!  Girls want a guy that is 5’10″…well I tower over guys girls want standing at 6’1″(6’2″ with Uggs on).  I mean being too tall dark and handsome is the only thing holding me back at this point, and to think I almost got on the treadmill today.  Seriously though girls, don’t be intimidated by my looks.  I am very approachable.  Give me a chance and I will show that I am average at almost everything.

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Ever used “Mexico” and “Genius” in the same sentence before? Well get ready to

September 30, 2011 1 comment

(Daily Mail)–Mexico City lawmakers want to help newlyweds avoid the hassle of divorce by giving them an easy exit strategy: temporary marriage licenses. Left-wing members of the city’s assembly – who have already riled conservatives by legalizing gay marriage – proposed a reform to the civil code this week that would allow couples to decide on the length of their commitment, opting out of a lifetime. The minimum marriage contract would be for two years and could be renewed if the couple stays happy. The contracts would include provisions on how children and property would be handled if the couple splits. ‘The proposal is, when the two-year period is up, if the relationship is not stable or harmonious, the contract simply ends,’ said Leonel Luna, the Mexico City assemblyman who co-authored the bill. ‘You wouldn’t have to go through the tortuous process of divorce,” said Luna, from the leftist Party of the Democratic Revolution, which has the most seats in the 66-member chamber.

I have always hated the idea of a destination wedding.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are tropical and somehow cheaper, but fewer people come which means less of a party.  But after reading this I am ONLY having destination weddings…as long as that destination is Mexico.  The two-year marriage contract is probably Mexico’s greatest invention since the burrito.  Marriage always seemed odd to me because I see everything in life as sports.  Nobody gets a lifetime contract from any franchise. Favre played for the Vikings, Jordan played for the Wizards, and Gretzky played for the Kings…no matter how great things are in the beginning, relationships sour.  So a lifetime contract to one woman seems like a bad deal.  This two-year marriage contract is a real game changer.  I’ll get wifed up for two years, show that I can be a good husband, show that I can be committed, then test the free agent market and sign with a younger and hotter franchise.  You wouldn’t have the stigma of “oh he’s divorced”…because you aren’t divorced, your contract just expired.  Mexico…this is pure genius.
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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Chicks trying to get you wifed up

September 20, 2011 1 comment


Stay strong bro, stay strong.  The kid is right…this girl can’t yell at him because she isn’t the boss…but the second you get married…she 100% is the boss.  I mean, I wouldn’t want to marry this chick either. I mean this is how she is before the marriage, imagine what she is going to be like once this guy is all locked up.  This is the danger of Mid 20s dating.  You date a girl for a few months and next thing you know you are over at her house and she has wedding magazines all over the coffee table with pages marked.  Obviously the first instinct here would be to run…but then you realize you’ll have to go without regular sex. So you pretend that you can avoid the whole situation and press the ejector button at the last second.  Which is nearly impossible.  So a  few more months go by and your girl has worn you down to the point where you’ll do anything to stop that yelling and nagging. Before you know…you are standing at the altar wondering where you went wrong.  It’s too late at that point though. You’re done.  Which is why I have so much respect for this kid.  He flat out refused to hear about marriage. He wouldn’t even look at her. He even tried to get his mom to reason with this broad.  So he went with the big guns.  The old Costanza move. He turned on the water works.  Good move guy.  Good move.


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Mid (19)20’s Dating Guide: Listen to your elders

September 15, 2011 Leave a comment

(Oregon)–An elderly couple struggling to learn how to use a webcam have become viral video sensations after their granddaughter posted the fumbling footage online. Bruce and Esther Huffman, of McMinnville, Oregon, captured close to three minutes of themselves making faces at the camera and trying to navigate their new laptop. But they didn’t realise until the very end they were being recorded as she tried to take a picture.’Webcam 101 for Seniors’ has scored over 170,000 hits since it was posted on YouTube by the couple’s granddaughter on August 21. It begins with Bruce Huffman making faces as he looks at his image on screen. ‘Look at the monkey!’ he says, ‘That’s a pretty good monkey.’ Meanwhile his wife, Esther, is focused on the task at hand. ‘Did it capture? I put it on capture,’ she says, ‘Do it again.’ Bruce entertains himself, singing The Andrew Sisters’ Hello, My Baby, joking about their wrinkles, and sweetly compliments his wife’s ‘pretty hair’.


This YouTube video of these old people is going viral.  People getting a good laugh from watching these old fogies try to figure out the internet.  Well, maybe this guy would care about figuring out the interwebs if he wasn’t so busy spitting perfect game at this old broad.  His game is so tight.  This silver fox is such a boss I can’t even handle it.  The guy just gave the world a step by step to wheeling chicks.

Step 1: Make her laugh.  He went hard style with the monkey face here. She ate it up.

Step 2: Give her a compliment.  “Oh look at your pretty hair”…just too effing smooth.

Step 3: Be aggressive.  Chicks want dominant males.  This guy step to the plate big time and tried to slide her dress off

Step 4: Make a her a little insecure.  Guy starts with a little self-deprecating humor, then just tells her that her wrinkles are huge.

Step 5: Pop a Viagra and turn off the camera


Simply amazing.  This old grampa just gave a 101 on how to pick up chicks.  Some things never change I guess.


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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volume 2

September 8, 2011 Leave a comment

(AMSTERDAM, AP) — Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam. Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn’t excessive. The man denied they had a relationship. The court ordered her not to contact him again.

Here we go with Volume 2 in an infinite part series about what NOT to do in relationships.

Girls are so bat shit crazy its unbelievable.  Everyone has made a drunken phone call to an ex that they wish they could take back, but this girl has taken it to a whole different level.  65,000 calls a year is 179 calls a day and 7 or 8 per hour.  This chick’s fulltime job is being a lunatic.  I get that this chick is single and desperate and wants her boyfriend back, but she is going about it all wrong.  Kind of a rookie move for a 42 year-old dating veteran.  I mean she totally had the upper-hand in this thing on paper.  She is 20 years younger than this guy.  I don’t care how many blue pills he is popping, I guarantee chicks aren’t beating down his door to hop in bed with a 62 year-old dude with gray hair, flabby skin, and old…balls…gross.  When flirting over the phone you NEVER want to be the last one to communicate(and you definitely don’t want to be the last one to communicate 65,000 times in a row).  I definitely learned this lesson the one the hard way(more than once).  I’ll be texting back and forth with a girl and she’ll be just eating up my jokes. Just flirty LOLs and HAHAHAHAs all over the place.  Then the convo clearly comes to end point but instead of playing it smooth and leave her wanting more…I come back with something stupid like “So…what are you up to this weekend?” and…crickets. Just kills all momentum.  One text too many and its over before it even started.  If this girl wasn’t so effing crazy(just a hypothetical, she’s a chick so of course she is crazy) she could’ve had this old guy back in a minute.  Tone down the crazy and make him think it was his idea.  This guy knows that he doesn’t have a lot of options and if a chick can stand his presence for a minute he should hold on to her like grim death…which isn’t far off.

PS: This chick is probably getting recruited like mad by tele-marketing companies.  Dial, click, dial, all day long with no bathroom breaks.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: What Not To Do Volumne One

August 29, 2011 2 comments

(IMMOKALEE) — An Immokalee man is facing a domestic battery charge after authorities say he gave his girlfriend a hair cut — while she slept. David Bustos, 26, of the 700 block of Crestview Circle, was arrested Thursday by Collier County sheriff’s deputies at home. Bustos and his girlfriend got into an argument on Tuesday causing Bustos to leave his girlfriend’s home, according to an arrest report. She told deputies that around 7 a.m. the next morning she awoke in her bed to Bustos shaving her head with an electric hair clipper. He used such force with the clippers that it caused a small cut on her scalp, according to reports. The victim told deputies that she immediately kicked him off of her and he fled the home. Deputies said there were several sections of braided hair lying on the victim’s bed.


Ok, so I haven’t done a Mid 20s Dating Guide blog in a while because quite frankly…I am out of material.  I pretty much put everything I know about girls and dating into like three blogs.  I am out of tips on things to do.  I didn’t realize until today that I know way more about what NOT to do.  Some from experience, and some from common sense.  So here is Volume One of probably an infinite part series about what not to do when dating girls.


So, if you have a fight with your girlfriend I would say probably the number one thing NOT to do is sneak back into her room at night and buzz off all of her hair.  Yeah, yeah its battery blah blah blah…that’s not the biggest issue at hand here.  Bro…YOU CUT OFF YOUR GIRL’S HAIR!!! Girls with short hair are disgusting, and girls with buzzed heads are even worse.  Exhibit A) Britney Spears.  I put up with all her weight issues, pregnancies, and scarring from her pregnancies because deep down I knew “I’m a Slave For You” Britney Spears was still in there somewhere.  However, the minute she cut all her hair off I checked out forever.  Girls should never ever have their hair shorter than their shoulders.  That’s just the law, or at least it should be.  Now this guy is completely stuck.  He can’t break up with her now. Break up and she is 100% going through with these charges.  If he sweet talks her into giving the relationship another shot…she will drop the charges.  So now this guy is in a relationship with a bald freak.  Back fire of the century.

And if this guy thought his girlfriend got pissed before when he didn’t notice that she made a minor change to her hair, he hasn’t seen anything yet.   Girls pay like $500 every month for some chick to put little blonde streaks in their hair and cut off a half an inch.  This girl will practically be living at the salon trying to salvage something she can leave the house with.  Guess what happens if she walks in and this guy didn’t notice that she changed her hair?  Godzilla times a billion!!!  All around failure by this guy.  I may not know much about dating, but I do know that if you cut a girl’s hair off in the middle of the night…that’s a no-win situation.


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Hey ladies…if a guy dumps a 20-ton boulder in your driveway…he’s just not that into you

August 17, 2011 3 comments


 (Quebec)–A small-town mayor is under police investigation after finally giving his wife a nice, big rock. Make that his ex-wife. And the rock was a 20 tonne boulder, not a ring. Dany Larivière, the mayor of Saint-Théodore-d’Acton, east of Montreal, told a French news station that he had dropped the boulder off on his ex-wife’s lawn early Sunday morning. The rock is spray-painted “Happy Birthday, Isa XX” and topped with a big pink bow. “I had to do something so she’d leave me alone,” he told TVA Monday morning. “That’s the biggest rock she’ll ever get in her life.” Larivière was unavailable for comment Monday afternoon. Quebec Police told the Toronto Star they were still deciding whether criminal charges could be laid, after Larivière apparently refused to remove the boulder. “It’s a gift. It’s hers now,” Larivière said. “I did it in the middle of the night. It was a surprise.” He joked that his ex-wife, Isabelle Prévost, had always wanted a big rock, quipping that this one was between 18 and 24 “carat-tonnes.”

Pretty strong message delivered by this mayor to his ex-wife.  Nothing says “leave me alone” like dumping a 20-ton boulder in her driveway in the middle of the night as a birthday present.  Here is the problem with chicks though, they just never get it.  I am sure this French broad was sipping on pom-tini’s later that night and all the chicks were all like “OMG…you think Dany still loves you?  He is just acting out because he still cares so much.  You’ve been broken up for 3 years, but he def isn’t over you.  Are you guys getting back together? You guys are totes adorable together.  I bet he just left that boulder there so he would have an excuse to come see you”.  Here is a clue girls, if the guy dumps a 20-ton boulder in your driveway…he’s just not that into you.  It’s over.  I don’t think you can send a stronger message. 


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