What’s in a name: Picking the Kentucky Derby Winner
The Kentucky Derby is this weekend and it is one of my favorite sporting events of the year. I don’t know much about horse racing, but there is one thing I do know and that’s how to pick winners. In Horse Racing you need to have a great name to win so I pick my winners and losers based upon nothing but the horses’ names.
I’ll Have Another– 12-1 odds
I love this attitude. This is a horse that just wants it more. Greed is good and I’ll Have Another knows it. I can just picture this horse demanding his trainers push him to the max. More reps, more laps, more food, more challenges. That’s the kind of attitude that will lead to more roses and more money. Or…this guy just likes to party and I like that too.
Rousing Sermon– 50-1 odds
He’s 16 hands-nothing, a thousand and nothing, and he’s got hardly a spec of athletic ability. Sometimes all an under-dog needs to win is an inspirational pre-game speech. If any horse is capable of delivering a spine-tingling, hair-raising, confidence-building speech to his team its Rousing Sermon. I love the underdog and 50-1 will pay off big time. CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?!?
El Padrino– 20-1
I dig this horse. The Derby needs villains too and this horse is named after one of the greatest drug dealers of all-time. So yeah, long odds here at 20-1, but that’s just how a drug lord needs to play it. Keep a low profile so the feds aren’t on your case 24-7, but then cash in big time when it counts the most. I kinda get the impression that El Padrino will do whatever it takes to win too. Trip another horse out of the starting gate, threaten to kill the favorite’s entire family, pay the judges to call phantom fouls on other horses. No rules, just win baby. Plus…the Derby is a dead sprint for two minutes, so I want the horse on cocaine.
Bodemeister is the favorite heading into the Derby at 4-1. Every philly in the country is just sweating this bro. Chicks just getting in line to procreate with him. I mean yeah he sure looks the part, but I look at that name and I all I see is an arrogant frat boy. Bodemeister probably thinks he is just going to run away with this thing. Sorry brah, that’s not what the Derby is about. I bet this guy will be crushing beers and firing on all the chicks in the stable tonight. Can’t have that. The Kentucky Derby requires maturity…the maturity of a three year-old.
Daddy Long Legs– 30-1
Did you know that Daddy Long Legs spiders have the most lethal venom? They are more deadly than even Black Widow Spiders. So why aren’t we afraid of them…because their mouths/teeth are too small and weak to break the skin. So even though this horse might have loads of potential I think the rest of the field will probably squash him like a bug.
Went The Day Well– 20-1
Nice name you anti-Semitic bastard!!! Yeah, that’s right I’ve seen the movie “Went The Day Well”. The movie is about these under-cover Nazi paratroopers that take over an English town. I am not going to sit here and accuse this horse of being an undercover Nazi…but he totally is. Guess what…you guys lost World War II and you’re going to lose in the Kentucky Derby.
There you have it. Win, place, show, and three horses from which you should stay away. Chief picking winners like it ain’t no thang. Didn’t need any facts or knowledge or anything.
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