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Archive for February, 2012

Ugh…Obama is so effing cool I can’t even stand it. Singing with BB King

February 23, 2012 Leave a comment

 

 

Son of a bitch!!! How the hell are the Republicans supposed to compete with that?  The Presidential election, unfortunately, is a popularity contest.  That’s all.  Employment could be 9.5% for years, gas prices could be $5 per gallon, mandates coming out our ass, and an impending crisis with Iran…none of that matters.  Obama is just the coolest kid on the block.  If you really think one of these three guys can beat him give me some of whatever you’re smoking…

 

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Polio guy straight murdering the dance floor

February 23, 2012 Leave a comment

 

 

This guy is making FDR look like a dickhead.  Just absolutely dominating that dance studio.  The guy is dripping in swag.  Some of the nastiest dance moves I have ever seen.  Now…having said that…does this guy have an unfair advantage when it comes to dancing?  I mean he is using props and just swinging his legs around like they aren’t even there.  I kinda feel like anybody from “So you think you can dance” would be able to dance this guy off a cliff if they were allowed to use those crutches.  I don’t know.  The guy is great, but I just don’t want to put him in the hall of fame or anything.

 

PS: Polio still exists?  I literally thought that polio died with FDR.  The video is obviously from some other country, but I thought the disease was extinct world-wide.  I just assumed that polio was in the same category as the plague and small pox.  Oh well…God bless America.

 

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Princess of Denmark gets checked out by President of Finland

February 23, 2012 Leave a comment

 

Chicks like Princess Mary of Denmark are the absolute worst.  Look it honey…if you are gonna wear a dress that basically goes down to your naval, don’t get all pissy when guys get locked into your boobs.  You’re asking for it.  I mean what is the President of Finland supposed to do here?  Not look?  Please.  She isn’t exactly pouring out of that dress either.  She should take it as a compliment and just look the other way.  Definitely shouldn’t make the President of Finland look like a creep for looking at the goods she brought to the table.  Grow up Princess of Denmark.

PS: I love the move here by the President of Finland…”Oh what’s that up on the ceiling?  Totally been looking up there for a while….def not looking at your clevage”.

 

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This is exactly how I would win an MMA event

February 22, 2012 Leave a comment

 

This would be my best and only chance to win an MMA fight.  Just hop around a little bit.  Keep my hands up and hope the other guy knocks himself out.  If that didn’t happen…I’d probably be dead.

 

In all seriousness though…MMA sucks.  Everyone talks about how great it is blah blah blah.  It’s just a bunch of meatheads who weren’t good enough at real sports so they had to learn karate.  Couldn’t be less impressed with these guys as a whole.  And…gross ears.

 

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Eff this blogging racket. I am going to be a Chinese pro basketball player

February 22, 2012 Leave a comment

 

GET ME TO CHINA!!! I am sick and tired of not being a pro athlete and I know if I show up tomorrow at the Shanghai Sharks practice facility I can be MVP making billions of yen by the end of the season.  I mean these guys are the Chinese League all-stars and this is the worst basketball I have seen since the WNBA went out of business.  How hard can it be to make one of those teams.  I really think this is a viable option.  Hockey was my sport but I did make the 8th grade B team for basketball.  I’ll just fly around getting rebounds and knocking down open jumpers.  It just baffles me that China can be so bad at basketball when their Prime Minister has handles like this…

 

PS: China sucks at sports.  It’s their biggest weakness as a nation.  It’s hard to develop a real Soviet-style rival when they can’t compete at anything other than girls gymnastics.  Get it together China.

 

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Bus driver rams biker on purpose

February 21, 2012 Leave a comment

 

 

If there are two things I hate about driving in the city its buses and people riding their bikes.  So while I am sure this bus driver is getting fired for basically trying to murder this guy…I don’t hate him for it.  The guy on his bike was riding like a dickhead.  Just cruising along in the middle of the road at like 5 miles per hour with no regard for anybody but himself.  The bus driver taught this guy a lesson.  If you don’t want to get smashed…don’t ride your bike in the street.  It’s that simple.  Having said that…eff this bus driver.  He is real tough smashing a dude on his little bike.  This is such a city bus driver move it’s not even funny.  I can’t tell you how many times bus drivers have tried to force me into a head-on collision rather than let me pass.  They are the biggest asshole drivers on the planet.  I hope the judge throws the book at this guy.

 

 

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Connecticut for the weekend

February 17, 2012 Leave a comment

 

On a spiritual quest back to my hockey roots. Happy President’s Day weekend.

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Mom who thinks she’s hot forced to go through body scanner 3 times by TSA

February 16, 2012 Leave a comment

(Daily Mail)–A married mother was subjected to repeated body scanning at an airport after being told by one employee that she had a ‘cute’ figure.Ellen Terrell was travelling with her husband Charlie when she was stopped by airport security and told she had been ‘randomly selected’ for screening by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Mrs Terrell, from Dallas, Texas, believes that she was exploited and felt ‘totally exposed’ for the benefit of male employees viewing the scanned images, which give a detail image of the naked body, in a back room. Violated: Ellen Terrell (right) who has two sons, was travelling with her husband Charlie (left) from Dallas Airport when she was asked to go through the TSA body scanner three times by airport staff. She told CBS 11 that she was asked by a female employee: ‘Do you play tennis?’ When she said that she didn’t and asked why, the airport worker responded: ‘You just have such a cute figure.’Mrs Terrell, who is an IT executive, was then asked to stand in the full body scanner for a second time at Dallas International Airport. After being made to stand in the machine, which uses radiaton, for a third time, Mrs Terrell heard the female employee say into her microphone: ‘Guys, it is not blurry, I’m letting her go.’ The Terrells believe that she was subjected to sexual harassment – and they are not alone in their worries. The passenger screening program at airports has had frequent complaints that not all passengers are screened in the same way. In reaction to this, the TSA has replaced the machines which give a detailed outline of individuals’ figures for a more generic shape. More than 600 Advanced Imaging Technology (AIT) units have now been installed at 140 airports across the U.S. On the updated machine, the passenger and the TSA worked both view the image together which lights up on screen if it detects a problem. The need for a separate TSA officer viewing the image in another room is no longer required. A spokeswoman for TSA told MailOnline: ‘The new images are very generic and really focus on the privacy of the passenger. They see the same image as the staff.’ The images of passengers are not stored or print and cannot be transmitted.They are deleted from the system once they have been viewed.Those who fly are not required by law to pass through AIT screening – but if they opt out, they will receive alternative screening, including a physical pat-down.

TSA Agent has to be the worst job in America.  They spend all day dealing with people who HATE them.  Old people, young people, men, women, black people, white people,  Al-Qaeda, Rand Paul, I mean EVERYONE hates the TSA.  Then even when you try to be nice and give a mom a compliment they accuse you of sexual harassment.  They just can’t win.  A female TSA Agent asks this mom if she plays tennis and tells her she has a nice figure…umm…what’s the problem?  First of all lady…you’re old and honestly…your figure needs some work judging by the picture above.  Get over yourself, take the compliment and be thankful that somebody still finds your old bag of bones attractive.

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got his testicle bit by a snake and asked his friend to suck out the venom?

February 16, 2012 Leave a comment

(Daily Telegraph)–A BRITISH tourist was bitten “down under” by a killer snake while answering a call of nature in the bush. The reptile sunk its fangs into Jackson Scott’s testicle as he squatted in the dark. But when he begged best mate Roddy Andrews to suck the venom out, his pal refused, reports The Sun. Instead he drove Jackson on a 40-minute life-or-death dash to Hobart where doctors gave him an antidote to the deadly tiger snake poison. Musician Jackson, 29, of Glasgow, said: “I went into the garden at four in the morning after a night in the pub to save flushing the toilet because water is precious in the outback. “Just as I finished and was about to tuck everything safely away, it bit me. I had my pants around my knees when I hobbled into Roddy’s bedroom. My heart was racing and I was hallucinating. “Needless to say, Rod was not of a mind to suck out the poison.”Jackson, starting a year’s working holiday at the remote farm, added: “The doctors and nurses were very professional. They didn’t take the mickey out of me being bitten on my wedding tackle.”

 

First things first…this dude is gay right?  Has to be.  He is British, his name is Musician, and used the phrase “They didn’t take the mickey out of being bitten on my wedding tackle”. Bro, just come out of the closet already.  You don’t need to go through all the trouble of letting a poisoness tiger snake bite your balls just to make a move on your best friend. There’s no use in trying the old “Dude, I’m not gay. That was just the snake venom talking” excuse either because I think I’d rather risk death than have a dude put his mouth on my nuts.  And I think that’s probably the general consensus among all heteros.  Roddy played this awkward situation perfectly.  They say it was 4am after a night at the pub so I am not if Roddy being “not of mind” means he was too drunk to suck out the poison or if “not of mind” is the British way of saying “get the fuck out of here“.  I like the idea of Roddy being like “oh man…I am way too drunk to be sucking snake venom out of your ball sack, but I am not too drunk to drive you 40 miles to the nearest hospital“. Roddy saved his friend’s life, but I the friendship is dead.  Once you cross that line of asking your friend to suck snake venom out of your balls it has to just be awkward after that.

 

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This little gremlin looking thing won dog of the year?

February 16, 2012 1 comment

(Huffington Post)–A placid Pekingese slowly  trotted to victory on Tuesday at the 136th Westminster Kennel  Club dog show, beating a Dalmatian, a German Shepherd, a  Dachshund and three other canines to become the first of his  breed to win the prestigious annual event since 1990. Malachy, a four-year-old dog formally known as Ch.  Palacegarden Malachy, charmed the packed Madison Square Garden  arena crowd, who roared their approval when his win was  announced.

 

Honest to god, if you just showed me pictures of this thing and gave me ten tries to guess what type of animal it was I don’t think I would have said dog.  That has to be the ugliest thing ever to be called a dog.  It looks like a cross between a rat, a three-toed sloth, and a skunk.  Yet somehow the people over at The Westminster Dog Show decided that this gross little gremlin was dog of the year.  No clue how that happened.  The thing doesn’t even have legs or a nose.  Unless this was the Westminster Special Olympics Dog Show I don’t understand how a furry rodent with no legs could be the World’s number one dog.  On that note…Riley…do the people a favor and throw some blue steel in their face.

 

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