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Archive for September, 2011

What is 100% waiting for me every morning and every evening

September 30, 2011 1 comment

 

 

Only I have black labs.  The one on the left is always guilty, but doesn’t give a shit.  The one on the right feels enough guilt for both of them.

 

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Categories: Internet Sensation

Kid Insults Bieber like a god damn moron

September 30, 2011 1 comment

 

 

Oh really kid, Bieber’s hair looks stupid? It looks funny to you, does it? WTF do you know about anything!?!?! You’re a damn baby, probably still a virgin.  Biebs knows more about chicks than you could ever even dream of.  Haters gonna hate.

 

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Categories: Internet Sensation

Locks of the Century: NFL Week 4

September 30, 2011 Leave a comment

I normally don’t have time to post NFL Locks of the Century, but this is the type of week for which you make time.  Some of these lines are like stealing.  Parlay these if you want to be a thousandaire by Tuesday morning.  60% of the time I am right every time.

New Orleans Saints -7 at Jacksonville Jaguars

Saints are great, Jags suck….NEXT!!!

Indianapolis Colts +10 at Tampa Bay Bucs

Peyton Manning isn’t walking through that door. Hell, Kerry Collins isn’t even walking through that door.  Bucs roll.

Buffalo Bills -3 at Cincinnati Bengals

One of the first rules of gambling is to NEVER bet against a home-underdog…unless that dog is the Bengals.  This sets up like a classic trap game.  The Bills are on the road and are coming off the biggest win the franchise has had in 20 years.  Most teams would have an emotional let down, but nobody…

…like the Buffalo Bills.

New York Jets +3.5 at Baltimore Ravens

Sanchez sucks.  He is just so effing soft.  So pumped he broke his nose last week.  Now he’ll never be a teen model.  Now that Uggs are cool as shit and Brady cut his hair I can say with conviction that it is IMPOSSIBLE to win the Superbowl with a flaming metro-sexual quarterback.  Baltimore crushes the Jets.

New England Patriots -4 at Oakland Raiders

The Pats’ pass defense is terrible, but so is Jason Campbell and the Raider receivers.  The Raiders will have a hard time running against the Pats’ base defense…blah blah blah. BRADY CUT HIS HAIR…CHECK. MATE. I think the message has been sent loud and clear.  Brady with short hair=dominance.  Dynasty 2.0 set to commence.

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Categories: Locks of the Century

Ever used “Mexico” and “Genius” in the same sentence before? Well get ready to

September 30, 2011 1 comment

(Daily Mail)–Mexico City lawmakers want to help newlyweds avoid the hassle of divorce by giving them an easy exit strategy: temporary marriage licenses. Left-wing members of the city’s assembly – who have already riled conservatives by legalizing gay marriage – proposed a reform to the civil code this week that would allow couples to decide on the length of their commitment, opting out of a lifetime. The minimum marriage contract would be for two years and could be renewed if the couple stays happy. The contracts would include provisions on how children and property would be handled if the couple splits. ‘The proposal is, when the two-year period is up, if the relationship is not stable or harmonious, the contract simply ends,’ said Leonel Luna, the Mexico City assemblyman who co-authored the bill. ‘You wouldn’t have to go through the tortuous process of divorce,” said Luna, from the leftist Party of the Democratic Revolution, which has the most seats in the 66-member chamber.

I have always hated the idea of a destination wedding.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are tropical and somehow cheaper, but fewer people come which means less of a party.  But after reading this I am ONLY having destination weddings…as long as that destination is Mexico.  The two-year marriage contract is probably Mexico’s greatest invention since the burrito.  Marriage always seemed odd to me because I see everything in life as sports.  Nobody gets a lifetime contract from any franchise. Favre played for the Vikings, Jordan played for the Wizards, and Gretzky played for the Kings…no matter how great things are in the beginning, relationships sour.  So a lifetime contract to one woman seems like a bad deal.  This two-year marriage contract is a real game changer.  I’ll get wifed up for two years, show that I can be a good husband, show that I can be committed, then test the free agent market and sign with a younger and hotter franchise.  You wouldn’t have the stigma of “oh he’s divorced”…because you aren’t divorced, your contract just expired.  Mexico…this is pure genius.
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ATTN Italy: Lock up your daughters, Kobe Bryant is coming to your country

September 30, 2011 Leave a comment

(Newser)–Kobe Bryant won’t be resting on his laurels during the NBA lockout. The Los Angeles Laker has verbally agreed to a $3 million contract to play with Italian club Virtus Bologna for the first 40 days of the Italian league season, a source tells the AP. Bryant grew up in Italy and has been there this week for endorsement deals. He is due back in the US for labor talks today but is expected to return to Italy next week with a work visa, according to the source.

 

How much does Italy just despise America right now?  First we send them Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore over to just get crazy drunk and slutty over there and make their country look like shit.  Now we are sending a washed up NBA “superstar” rapist over.  Sorry Italy.  Some stupid Italian team is going to pay Kobe like 3 million dollars a month to hoop a couple of times a week and pretend not to speak Italian when girls tell him “no”.

 

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Lock of the Century: NCAA Football Week 5

September 30, 2011 Leave a comment

There is really only one game that I LOVE this weekend from a gambling stand point.  Conference play is getting under way and now is the time I start pissing money away.

 

Nebraska +10 @ Wisconsin

Nebraska @ Wisconsin over/under 56.5

 

I love the Badgers in this game.  Their offense is ROLLING.  Montee Ball and Russell Wilson are both legit Heisman candidates and will have no problem carving up Nebraska’s porous black shirts defense.  Nebraska can’t stop anybody and will be going into arguably the most hostile environment in the Big Ten for their inaugural conference game.  By the time Jump Around comes on Wisconsin should have this game in hand.  The Pick: Wisconsin -10 and the OVER

 

 

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What’s the only thing worse than one cat? Two Cats!

September 30, 2011 1 comment

(Boston.com) —Frank and Louie is not a normal cat, though his owner begs to differ. The cat was born with two faces — a condition called Janus — and was awarded a spot in the 2012 edition of the Guinness World Records book for the longest living cat with the condition. The two faces share a brain and a stomach. “Frank does the eating,” said the cat’s owner, Marty, who prefers not to give out her last name to protect her privacy. “He only has to eat for one cat body. He’s just one cat body with an extra face.” Most cats with the condition don’t live past kittenhood, but Frank and Louie just celebrated his 12th birthday at the beginning of the month. The cat’s longevity could be due to Marty’s dedication to the unique feline. She adopted Frank and Louie when the cat was one day old. Marty was working at the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts at the time, and someone brought him in to be put to sleep. That’s when she decided to take Frank and Louie home with her. “For the first month or so I fed him every two hours,” Marty said. “He was the size of a hamster.” Now, Frank and Louie is thriving. He plays with Marty’s other animals – another cat and a dog – enjoy going for walks on a leash, riding in the car, and giving kisses.“He’s acclimated very well,” Marty said. “He doesn’t know he’s any different. He thinks he’s a normal cat.”

 

Its no secret that I despise cats.  Just the worst pet ever.  They just walk around all high and mighty thinking that they are better than humans.  Then when its time to eat, they try to act sweet to trick their owners into feeding them.  Cats are just two-faced, back-stabbing assholes.  Which is why I kind of respect this cat.  This cat owns it.  He is going to use one of his faces to look all sweet, while the other face is eating the food.  It’s like my problem with Lebron James and Tiger Woods.  Those guys are assholes.  Everyone knows it. Yet, they try to sell us this load of crap that they are good people, hard-working, blah blah blah.  I would respect them so much more if they would be like this cat and just embrace their inner villain.  Be a dick.  Don’t fight it.  So, I respect this cat because it at least acknowledges that its the worst pet ever and is just a conniving deceitful little jerk that only cares about himself and his other face.

 

PS: This is the ugliest pet I have ever seen. A face not even a mother could love.

 

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Categories: Locks of the Century

NASA: We’ve Identified most of the killer astroids out there

September 30, 2011 Leave a comment

 

 

(Newser)–You can sleep easy tonight. Or easy-ish. NASA today announced that it has identified more than 90% of the giant asteroids out there that could threaten Earth (think dinosaur-killing size). “We know now where most of them are and where most of them are going. That really has reduced our risk” of an impact, says a NASA scientist. And as for mid-sized asteroids—those capable of demolishing a metropolitan city—NASA has reduced its estimate of the number in existence by 44%. But it hasn’t tracked many of them down yet. “Fewer does not mean none. There are still tens of thousands out there that are left to find.” NASA’s updated data comes compliments of the Wide-field Infrared Survey Explorer, or WISE, which launched in 2009 to seek out near-Earth objects. For the largest asteroids—bigger than 3,300 feet across—NASA said 911 of the 981 thought to exist have been found, and none are poised to threaten the planet in the near future. As for the mid-size ones, it believes about 19,500 asteroids between 330 and 3,300 feet wide exist, reports the AP. About 5,200 of those have been IDed. WISE is not equipped to detect the more than a million smallest asteroids that could cause damage if they impact Earth.

 

Umm….WTF!?!?!? There are like 25,000 asteroids that could destroy the shit out of Earth in ‘the near future’ !?!?! Thanks for finding them science, now get off your ass and do something about it.  Maybe these NASA nerds don’t realize it because they never saw Armageddon, but asteroids are about the scariest thing in Space.  One asteroid pointed towards Earth is too many, but NASA is claiming that there are at least 25,000.  So they need to start fighting back.  Just start launching nukes at these bastards.  Send a message that Earth isn’t going anywhere.

 

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LOCK OF THE CENTURY: World Series Futures

September 29, 2011 1 comment

You should put your money on ANYBODY BUT THE YANKEES.  They lost that game on purpose last night to keep the Red Sox out of the playoffs.  So fine, whatever, that’s their right I suppose.  Having said that, it was a complete bush league move and damages the integrity of the game.  Everyone knew the fix was in before the game.  Vegas took the game off the board so you couldn’t even bet. Yankees are a joke.  Joke is on them though.  Baseball Gods are vengeful Gods.  They saw the Skanks lay down last night.  No chance in hell they are allowed to win the World Series.  Your money is safe with anybody else. Give me the Tigers in the AL and the Phillies in the NL.

 

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Can Someone Explain WTF Is going on in NYC?

September 29, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Alright, I have heard rumblings about hipsters occupying Wall Street, but full disclosure I haven’t paid attention to it for one second.  I have no clue what they are protesting or what they hope to accomplish or anything like that.  What I do know is that if this guy is a good representation of the people occupying Wall St, then I am 100% on Wall Street’s side.  I really feel like Hipsters like this asshole are just jealous of people from the 60s.  They just want something to protest.  I remember when I was in High School kids organized this HUGE sit in one day to protest girls’ rights to dress like sluts in school(seriously that’s what it was about…suburban white kid issues).  It was the dumbest shit I have ever seen.  Hundreds of kids just sat down in the middle of the hallway at the same time. Then when the faculty told them to gather in the court-yard so they could “talk”, they all moved like sheep and were promptly give detention or probation or some shit like that.

This dude has probably angry and protesting shit his whole life and just couldn’t resist the chance to protest on TV.  Just a total attention whore.  The only time I stopped yelling was to make sure the reporter was spelling his name correctly.  This kid is such an asshole it’s not even funny.  Hey bro, if your parents couldn’t pay their mortgage I am sure they don’t want to pay bail for your broke law student ass.

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