Death to The U: Miami Hurricanes Scandal

The Miami Hurricanes have suspended 13 players, including QB Jacory Harris, after Yahoo! released the least shocking college football scandal of all time.  Sorry Miami, suspending your loser QB and 12 other guys cited in the Yahoo! isn’t going to save you.  People are talking about giving Miami Hurricanes the “Death Penalty”.  Miami fans and fans of cheating everywhere are screaming that it’s not Miami’s fault that they have been brazenly cheating since 1983, but it’s really just College Football in general that’s broken.  My official stance on this issue is that if anyone deserves the Death Penalty its Miami.  You can’t have players getting bar tabs, cars, sex parties, abortions, yacht trips, and all kinds of swag paid for and live to tell about it.  I hate the NCAA as much as the next guy.  I’d like to give them the death penalty too, but there’s a difference between paying for a kid’s laundry and paying for head from a stripper. If Miami gets the Death Penalty they have nobody to blame but themselves.

So yeah, outwardly I am a Notre Dame, BigTen, Wing-T, Power-I kinda guy so…fuck Miami…but double secret full disclosure, I sneaky LOVE the Hurricanes and all of their swag.  When Miami is “The U” they move the needle more than anybody.  I don’t want Miami to go away and I don’t want them to become this clean-cut boring ass team that plays by the rules.  I want the 2LiveCrew Miami ESPN’s 30 for 30 documented.  Bad boys who love being bad.  Kicking ass on Saturday afternoon, and getting ass on Saturday night.

Here is the truth though…there is no chance in hell that Miami gets the Death Penalty.  There is just too much money on the line.  The city of Miami is the 13th largest TV market in the country, and Florida has five other cities that rank in the top 65.  The only other school to receive the Death Penalty was SMU back in 1987 and 1988.  25 years later they are still completely irrelevant.  Killing Miami, and effectively closing themselves off from those markets would take money out of the NCAA’s wallet.  There is nothing the NCAA loves more than money.  So Miami’s existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to the NCAA, saves College Football. The NCAA doesn’t want to tell the truth because deep down in places they don’t talk about at parties, they want The U in the BCS, they NEED The U in the BCS.

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Oh poor Puerto Rico has sharks swimming in the streets…boo hoo. That’s nothing compared to the mutant killers in Lake Michigan

Everyone and their mother is freaking out about how Hurricane Irene is the deadliest hurricane ever because its dropping sharks in people’s driveways or whatever down in Puerto Rico. So people in New York and Boston are freaking out like a bunch of bitches per usual. “Holy deah gawd!!! What if a wicked big gawd damn shahk swims right next to my cah? I could be just driving up Comm Ave about to give it the fingah, but then it might bite my ahm off. Call the National Gauhd!!!“. Earthquakes, hurricanes, sharks oh my!!! What a bunch of little bitches. Those guys have NO IDEA what real problems are. You know what is like a billion times worse than a shark…a Lamprey. What’s a Lamprey you ask…it can most accurately be described as the scariest mother-fucker on the planet…

(wikipedia)–Adults physically resemble eels, in that they have no scales, and can range anywhere from 13 to 100 centimetres (5 to 40 inches) long. Lacking paired fins, adult lampreys have large eyes, one nostril on the top of the head, and seven gill pores on each side of the head. The unique morphological characteristics of lampreys, such as their cartilaginous skeleton, suggest that they are the sister taxon (see cladistics) of all living jawed vertebrates (gnathostomes), and are usually considered the most basal group of the Vertebrata. They feed on prey as adults by attaching their mouthparts to the target animal’s body, then using their teeth to cut through surface tissues until they reach blood and body fluid.

(io9.com)–Lampreys are parasites that look like slimy eels with mouths that are ringed with several layers of jagged teeth. In some areas, like the Great Lakes of the United States, they’ve become an invasive pest that kills local trout and other valuable fish. So Michigan State researchers decided to come up with a foolproof lamprey repellant. After discarding several ideas, they hit upon the idea that nothing is scarier than smelling your own dead. So they whipped up a fluid that they describe as a “semiochemical mixture produced by the putrefying carcasses of sea lampreys.” Yes, they liquified rotting sea lampreys and poured the goo into a bathtub full of perfectly innocent lampreys.

Thanks a lot Michigan State scientists. If you dump Lamprey repellent on the Michigan side of the Lake guess where all of your flesh-eating vampire eels are going to go…right to North Ave Beach. So while Boston and NYC are crying because they could get a shark in their streets, Chicago DOES have mutants making a beeline for our shore. Those guys don’t know what real problems are. I would take a bath with shark before I would get into Lake Michigan with lampreys swimming around. Which sucks because Chicago is a summer city and needs summer dollars

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Check Out Bryzgalov’s Flyers Mask. Guy LOVES him some America

Doesn’t get more American than that.  Eat your heart out Mike Richter’s old mask, a new standard has been set for patriotic hockey masks. Declaration of Independence…check, Ben Franklin…check, Liberty Bell…check. Even giving Betsy Ross some serious love.  Maybe there can be peace between Russia and America after all.

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BAHAHAHA basketball fights are pathetic

What a joke this is. Basketball players are so soft its ridiculous. One quick little jab by Steve Blake and then the guys square off and dance around like they are in the nut cracker…good thing their teammates stepped in to “break it up” and “hold them back”. I am sure they just about to get tough. I am by no means a “tough guy”, but if you put me in a fight against a basketball player I win 1000 times out of a 1000. Shaq, Ron Artest/Meta World Peace, Ben Wallace, you name it and I am taking them down.

Basketball players need fighting lessons. Here is a tutorial from the great PJ Stock

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Science says that there are 8.7 millions species on earth…just a ballpark guess

(Washington Post)–For centuries scientists have pondered a central question: How many species exist on Earth? Now, a group of researchers has offered an answer: 8.7 million. Although the number is still an estimate, it represents the most rigorous mathematical analysis yet of what we know — and don’t know — about life on land and in the sea. The authors of the paper, published Tuesday evening by the scientific journal PLoS Biology, suggest that 86 percent of all terrestrial species and 91 percent of all marine species have yet to be discovered, described and catalogued. The new analysis is significant not only because it gives more detail on a fundamental scientific mystery but because it helps capture the complexity of a natural system that is in danger of losing species at an unprecedented rate. Marine biologist Boris Worm of Canada’s Dalhousie University, one of the paper’s co-authors, compared the planet to a machine with 8.7 million parts, all of which perform a valuable function. “If you think of the planet as a life-support system for our species, you want to look at how complex that life-support system is,” Worm said. “We’re tinkering with that machine because we’re throwing out parts all the time.”

Is it me or has science lost something off of their best fastball?  They just waste all this time and money proving shit that we either a) already know or b) don’t need to know. “Cleveland and Detroit smell like dog shit?!?! Women are bad drivers?!?!? Golly, thanks scientists.  I never could have figured those things out on my own“.  This is like the biggest Ponzi scheme of all time.  These guys just act all high and mighty with their white coats, latin diction, and equations…then feed us crap, take our money, and expect us to believe them just because science said so.  Hey, I love penicillin and landing on the moon as much as the next guy, but what have you done for me lately?  This latest “study” is just pure arrogance…science is getting sloppy.  Science is claiming that there are about 8.7 million species on earth…even though they have only accounted for 1.2 million species to date.  “WOW 8.7 million!!! And we still have to discover 86% of all terrestrial species and 91% of all marine species?  Wow, you guys sure have a lot of work to do.  How much money do you need to find these non-existent animals…will a trillion be enough?” Then they just go on sweet, all expenses paid vacations to the Galapagos Islands.  When they fail to find any of these species, they will just blame it all on my SUV.  You’re busted science.  If it were up to me you guys wouldn’t get another penny until you cure cancer and invent the hover-skateboard I was promised by “Back to the Future II”.

PS: First clue that Scientists were trying to pull a fast one us with this number of species study was the number.  8.7m is wayyyy too high.  If Noah had to put two of every kind on his ark that would be 17.4 million different animals.  That’s just ridiculous.  2.4 million is totally doable, but 17.4 million makes that story unbelievable.  I bet scientists didn’t even think about Noah’s Ark when they tried to get us to believe that there are 8.7 million species…stupid scientists.

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Slow and Steady Wins The Race: Tortoise and The Guy with Ear Hair

 

Go ahead old man, keep antagonizing that turtle.  It’s all fun and games until somebody’s battery runs out.

 

 

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STUDY: Talking about your problems is a waste of time

(Science Daily)–“For years, popular psychologists have insisted that boys and men would like to talk about their problems but are held back by fears of embarrassment or appearing weak,” said Amanda J. Rose, associate professor of psychological sciences in the MU College of Arts and Science. “However, when we asked young people how talking about their problems would make them feel, boys didn’t express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys’ responses suggest that they just don’t see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity.”

You hear that girls?!?! Science took the words right out of my mouth.  It’s not that we don’t have feelings or that we don’t care about yours or that we are afraid to share…its that talking about feelings is a complete waste of time.  Men just don’t have time for sitting and sharing.  Its been that way from the beginning of time.  “I know you want to talk about your day and how ridiculous the other cavechick’s outfit was, but sorry I have to go kill a woolly mammoth, start a fire, and invent the wheel“.  There are only so many hours in the day.  So next time you think your boyfriend or husband is emotionally unavailable, you should remember that he is actually just using time management skills on a level you can’t even comprehend.

PS: This is also why girl fights are a billion times worse/obnoxious.  Girls will have feuds for like years over nothing and treat each other like shit.  If guys have a real issue, it may come to blows, but after that is usually over.  Quick burst of aggression, whoever wins the fight was right, and we move on with our lives.

PPS: I love January Jones.

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BAHAHAHA IN YOUR FACE JAPAN…Nice credit rating…LOSERS!!!

(Newser)–Moody’s has cut Japan’s rating by a notch to the fourth highest on its scale, following Standard & Poor’s, which cut Japan’s grade to double-A-minus earlier this year, reports the New York Times. Moody’s warned that Japan’s weak economic prospects and unstable politics will make it difficult for the government to reduce its debt. Japan has the worst debt-to-GDP ratio of any country in the industrialized world, with borrowing predicted to top 230% of GDP next year, the Guardian notes. The ruling party is expected to select a new prime minister next week—Japan’s fifth in six years. The frequent changes at the top is preventing the country from turning “long-term economic and fiscal strategies into effective and durable policies,” Moody’s warned.

How do you like them apples, Japan?  Last time I checked AA+ was about a billion times better than AA-.  I’d rather have a basically perfect credit score than a stupid women’s world cup championship any day of the week.

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Welcome to the B1G Nebraska!!! Drunk dude accidentally drives the wrong 40 foot party-limo home

(LINCOLN, Neb.) — Authorities say a Nebraska party goer who passed out in a limousine bus’ bathroom later drove the 40-foot-long vehicle home, but left his wallet behind — in a pair of jeans. Lincoln police say the $80,000 bus was found a few blocks from Steven Hunter’s home Saturday afternoon. Capt. David Biggs says the 30-year-old doesn’t remember driving the bus. He’s charged with criminal mischief and unauthorized vehicle use. Police say Hunter was likely asleep when the bus was taken back to Leisure Limousine Service around 3:30 a.m. Investigators believe that when he woke up, he realized the doors were locked, saw the keys and drove home. The jeans were found in the bathroom. A phone number for Hunter’s address couldn’t be found Monday. Online court records didn’t list an attorney.

 

Well, I’ll be damned.  All this time I thought Nebraska was just a bunch of farming Quakers who didn’t know how to party BigTen style.  This guy proves that Nebraska will fit in just fine.  Hammered drunk, passed out in the bathroom, wakes up, and drives limo home without his pants on.  Could happen to anybody I guess.  Somehow this guy even managed to escape a DUI charge even though he claims that he was so drunk that he doesn’t even remember stealing the limo.  Bravo Nebraska, bravo

 

PS: Blonde on the right…yes please.

 

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August 23, 2011 Earthquake Recap

To a computer it looked like this…

 

People talked about it like it was this…

 

 

 

When all it really did was this…

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