Archive for June, 2011

99.9% of New Yorkers

June 27, 2011 Leave a comment


umm…yup, that pretty much sums them up.


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Categories: Internet Sensation

Soccer Pussies

June 24, 2011 1 comment

RussiaThe Brazil legend had helped his team Anzhi Makhachkala build a 3-0 lead over Krylya Sovetov in midweek when a banana was thrown at him from the stands. An emotional Carlos stopped playing and tossed the banana to the side of the pitch before heading for the touchline.Fighting tears and an appeal from the referee, he refused to continue playing and sat on the bench with his team-mates. Speaking after the game, he said: “I’m outraged by the sickening behavior of this fan, who, in fact, insulted not only me but all the players.”I hope the Russian federation, UEFA and FIFA will give an adequate evaluation to this disgusting incident.”

This is exactly why nobody respects soccer players.  Some drunk fan says something mean and throws a banana at you and quit and cry? What a joke.  Hey Roberto, its called home field advantage you pussy, ever heard of it?  Kind of comes with the territory.  That guy nailed you, he nailed you right in your mind.  The Russian Federation will give this an adequate evaluation alright. Putin is going to give that guy a medal and send him on vacation to the Hot Girl Army camp as a big thank you.  Soccer players have to be the biggest pussies in sports.  Diving, crying, quitting, just totally pathetic.

Here is how Roberto Carlos should handle that situation.

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NBA Draft Recap

June 24, 2011 1 comment

The NBA decided to move their draft from New York City to New Jersey, but it felt like they should have had it at Ellis Island.  The lottery was filled with a boatload of tall, skinny, ugly, awkward Euro dudes with names like Enes, Jan, and Nikola.  I can’t decide if this was the worst draft ever, or the best draft ever.  I had only heard of like 8 of the guys drafted and listening to Stuart Scott talk in a some like weird dialect of ebonics is beyond annoying, but the humor was off the charts.  Basketball Borat just kept getting drafted and interviewed all night.

Highlight of the night though was Jan Vesely’s girlfriend.


I know this guy is going to the NBA and everything(well, probably not Euros always suck except Dirk) but this guy is ugly.  Totally out kicking his coverage.  Not only is this girl a sexbomb, but she has no problem just frenching his face on national TV.  Staking her claim.  No doubt this will be the best moment of Jan Vesely’s career.  So do they just give girls like her out to guys in the Czech Republic or Lithuania or wherever he is from? I don’t care that he is about to be a millionaire, there is no way he should be able to lock that girl down.


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Metta World Peace Day on Windy City

June 24, 2011 Leave a comment

I guess Ron Artest is trying to change his name to Metta World Peace.  Just fucking perfect.  Some people are getting a little tired of his act and lumping him in with Chad Ochocinco.  What people don’t understand is that this isn’t an act like Ochocinco. Metta World Peace is legit fucking bat shit crazy.  He has spun right off this planet.  The guy has had so many classic moments already.  Easily one of my favorite crazy people ever. These are my favorite Metta World Peace moments:

1. Michael Jackson tribute rap song

2. “I wanna thank my hood…and I wanna thank my psychiatrist”

3.  Part-time employee at Circuit City

This is probably my favorite Ron Artest/Metta World Peace story of all time.  The summer after World Peace’s rookie year, the Bulls front office gets a call from Circuit City about an applicant.  Turns out Ron Artest applied for a part-time job and under employment history put “NBA Player” and listed Bulls executive Jerry Krause as his reference.  When asked why he was applying for a job with Circuit City, World Peace told the Bulls that he needed the employee discount on home electronics.  Artest had also already spent ALL of his first year’s salary which was over a million dollars.  His hood should have been thanking him.  He put all of his boys on scholarship.

World Peace is just out of his mind. Every league needs a little crazy.  World Peace is crazy in a harmless sort of way.  Well except for the whole thing where he jumped into the stands and beat up a fan and caused a riot.  He got suspended for the year. No biggie, just gave him time to work on his rap album.

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Pilots Flying Solo…rough life.

June 23, 2011 Leave a comment

This guy is so fired it’s not even funny.  Can’t just tell the world that you hate “homos”, “fags”, and “grannies” and live to tell about it.  Having said that, everything this guy said is right on.  Every movie and TV show I have ever seen shows the flight attendants being hot.  That’s why guys become pilots.  They get to be a “man in uniform” without having to be in the military, travel all around the world, and party with hot women.  That’s the lifestyle these guys were promised.  Just Britney Spears in the “Toxic” video bringing you coffee, fluffing your pillow, and making sexy eyes at you. So these poor bastards sign up and reality sets in. You are actually sitting still all day staring out at nothing, and when you want to blow off a little steam at night the only people to party with is the cast from Will and Grace.  That guy is in a prison.

Top 10 Blackhawks Home Games of 2011-12

June 23, 2011 1 comment

Can we just fast forward to October? The summer sports scene is brutal now that the NHL and NBA are done.  Baseball just isn’t doing it for me these days.  Maybe because Chicago is like a black-hole of baseball talent. Is it me or was baseball better when guys were roided up? The Blackhawks schedule is out for 2011-12 and these are games that I won’t be putting on StubHub.

Saturday October 15th vs Boston Stanley Cup champs roll into town very early in the season.  Marchand and Seguin will probably still be hung over and worn out from all of their paternity hearings.  Great chance for the Hawks to announce their presence with authority as they begin to reclaim what is rightfully theirs.  Thanks for beating Vancouver and everything, but I hope they did those engravings in pencil…

Sunday November 6th vs Vancouver  There is NOBODY I love beating more than Vancouver.  Hopefully Luongo will be in net so I can dance to Chelsea’s Dagger all night.  The Hawks nail Luongo, nail him right in his mind.

Friday December 2nd vs Islanders The Islanders are my darkhorse team to make the playoffs this year.  They have a good thing going with Tavares, Grabner, Okposo, etc.  They are an entertaining team to watch.  Hawks better put on the foil for that game because the Islanders aren’t shy about throwing down.  The game should have lots of talents and some fireworks.

Wednesday December 21st vs Montreal I love a good Original 6 match-up and the fact The Habs don’t come to the UC every year disappoints me.  Both teams can really skate and it will be a battle of French-Canadian goalies.

Friday December 30th vs Detroit The crowds for the games over Christmas break are usually extra rowdy.  College kids come home and drink and get a little excited.  “De-Troit Sucks” will be said so loud that they could probably hear it in Michigan.  Couple that with this being a Friday and right before New Year’s Eve and this might be the best party game of the season.

Monday January 2nd vs Edmonton Similar to the Islanders, the Edmonton Oilers are an exciting young team.  Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle are great entertainment.  Should be a high scoring game.

Wednesday January 18th vs Buffalo Shockingly, at least to me, the Buffalo Sabre fans travel about as good as any fan base in the league.  They are kinda cute in a way.  Trying to get their little chants going whilethe Blackhawks are smashing their faces in all over the ice.  The Sabres are kinda soft in my opinion, but their fans are good people.  I always enjoy hanging with them at the West End before hand.

Friday March 9th vs New York Rangers  Chicago vs New York, always a good rivalry.  The Rangers have a nice young core of guys that I’d like to see in person like Steppan and Dubinsky, and also plenty of guys to hate like Sean Avery and Marian Gaborik.

Sunday March 11th vs Los Angeles  This could be a big match up in terms of seeding for the playoffs.  I feel like LA may finally take the next and win the Pacific division so the Blackhawks could need a few points to lock down the number 1 seed.  LA also plays hard and fast.  Going to be a good show.

Sunday March 18th vs Washington This could really go either way.  Saint Patrick’s Day…on a saturday followed by what will probably end up being like a noon start for the Blackhawks game.  I am thinking that maybe I just won’t sleep and keep the party going through the end of the game.  Hannge Uppe basement until 4am.  Try to find some other party until like 6am. Head over to Nookies on Wells for an omelette bigger than my head.  Take a shower, throw the Hawks sweater on and start heading towards Madison. If I fail at sprinting that marathon…there’s a real good chance I miss this game entirely.  Ovechkin will be a blur regardless.

NHL Realignment, Relocation, and Expansion

June 23, 2011 3 comments

So I got into a discussion with a couple of people on the old twitter machine about NHL realignment now that the Winnipeg Jets are on their way back(side note: if True North calls them something besides the Jets that would be so stupid.  The fans are Jets, and once you’re a jet you’re a Jet all the way). The discussion spiraled out of control into some discussion about the overall strength of the NHL.  The guys on twitter want the NHL to contract a couple of teams, where as I think the NHL should expand.  The game is growing. More and more kids are playing.  Just signed a big TV deal. More teams=more fans=more money=a better league.  It’s just so simple.  Here is what I am proposing to “fix/enhance” the NHL.


Add two more teams bringing the total to 32.  I propose that the two new cities should be Seattle and Quebec City.


  • Seattle is a major US Market with corporations like Boeing, Apple, and Starbucks that would be able to support a team financially.
  • The NBA packed up and left so hockey would be the only show in town
  • The WHL team does well in Seattle
  • It would be a nice geographical rival for the Vancouver Canucks
  • It’s a great sports town. Even the MLS team gets 18K fans a game

Quebec City:

  • Building a new state-of-the-art stadium
  • It was always a great hockey market and many of the reasons why they had to leave before have been resolved(exchange rate, salary cap, venue)
  • It would just be sweet, who are we kidding. Great colors, great rivalry with Montreal, and I love the odd occasion where the only broadcast they have for the Canadiens is the french feed on NHL Center-Ice. I don’t speak a word of french, but I find it entertaining and having a second french team would make that situation far more likely.


Some of these cities just aren’t working.  Phoenix is a mess and Miami is the worst sports town in America.  Time to just cut bait and find new cities for those clubs. The Islanders need a new venue too and they should really just move to Brooklyn and share that brand new building with the Nets.  Brooklyn is kind of  an island, right? Name still works.  For relocation cities, I would say Southern Ontario and Houston. Houston is an enormous market with big money and some hockey history.


In this scenario the NHL would have two more teams and 4 new cities.  I propose 4 divisions of eight.  Naming the divisions after the four greatest hockey players in history; Orr, Lemieux, Howe, and Gretzky.  The divisions would be as follows:

Orr Division

  • Boston
  • Montreal
  • Toronto
  • Ottawa
  • Buffalo
  • Quebec City
  • Southern Ontario
  • Columbus

Lemieux Division:

  • Pittsburgh
  • Philadelphia
  • New Jersey
  • New York Rangers
  • New York Islanders
  • Carolina
  • Washington
  • Tampa Bay

Howe Division:

  • Detroit
  • Chicago
  • Saint Louis
  • Minnesota
  • Nashville
  • Dallas
  • Houston
  • Winnipeg

Gretzky Division:

  • Edmonton
  • Calgary
  • Vancouver
  • Seattle
  • San Jose
  • Anaheim
  • Los Angeles
  • Colorado


84 games with a somewhat balanced schedule.  Each team plays 4 games against their division (7×4=28), 3 games against the other division in your conference (3×8=24). The teams would just alternate years where one team has the extra home game. Then a home and home against every team in the other conference (2×16=32). Pretty sure that is a total of 84 games(28+24+32=84).  Everyone plays everyone and I don’t have to wait 3 years to see Crosby come through Chicago only to be out with a concussion.


Rivalries are born in the playoffs. I want to create scenarios to make rivalries happen more often.  The top 4 teams in each division make the playoffs.  For the playoffs, I would like there to be essentially four mini conferences.  Top seed plays the 4th seed and no re-seeding.  Teams would have to beat their division rivals in the playoffs to get to the Eastern or Western Conference Finals.

This is pretty much genius and how Gary Bettman should play it.  Somebody forward this to him please.

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Mid 20s Dating Guide: Scripting the First Few Plays

June 23, 2011 4 comments

I normally save the dating blogs for Friday, but this shit is imminent.  I am starting to chase this new girl and I was like pretty much planning on re-using the exact same dates that I had with my last girlfriend.  Every girl that I bounced this idea off of was like “Oh you can’t do that. That’s weird. New girl, new dates. blah blah blah.” The most positive response I got was “I guess that’s ok, but you can never let her find out.”

One girl even suggested that I might be doing it to stage a run-in or recreate memories…ridiculous.  Look, here is the deal…I don’t have a lot of tricks up my sleeve.  I am not like talking about some bar to get a drink or like chain restaurant. The dates I want to re-use are like A+ dates.  I am using them because they worked on the last girlfriend. Like these dates charmed the last girl’s pants off…literally. Why wouldn’t I use them again? It’s all about preparation.  Do you think Tom Brady lights up the NFL just by showing up in time for the kickoff? No chance.  The guy uses past experiences, studies his ass off, creates a game plan, and then lets talent just take over.  He has his first set of plays scripted before the game even starts.  That’s what I am doing here.  Go with what works, then get there and turn on the charm.

All girls are saying that they would be mad/disappointed if they found out.  I think they should really be honored and impressed that I would put in some preparation before the dates.  Even more so, if I know like a house specialty or like the best spot to sit, the date is just going to be more enjoyable.  What do people think? Am I, like usual, so on point that I am revolutionizing how you think about dating and relationships…or, like usual, am I completely delusional?

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NBA Draft Preview: Who Sucks the Most?

June 22, 2011 2 comments

In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that I could be a better NBA GM than 95% of those currently employed in those positions.  I am never more confident about that thought than I am during the NBA draft.  I just went through Chad Ford’s mock draft, what a joke.  Looking at the first 30 picks on that mock draft I can pick out probably 5 sure fire busts.

Bismack Biyombo:  Hasn’t this guy been drafted like every year? I could have sworn this was Ike Diago.  I don’t know anything about this guy and even I know he is going to suck. Yet, somehow this guy is going to be a lottery pick, then a D-League role player, and then he is going to be Ike Diago.

  Jan Vessly: This guy looks like a Jan.  Rule #1 of drafting…don’t take guys with chick names.  Red Auerbach lived by this.  Thats how he traded Joe Barry Carroll for Kevin McHale and Robert Parish.  This guy isn’t Dirk.  He isn’t even Marsha.

Markieff and Marcus Morris: If I know one thing about sports, its that twins suck.  Sedins…suck. Vinklevoss twins…suck. I am sure there are others.  One of these guys is going in the lottery I guess, I don’t really know which one…but it doesn’t matter both will be at the end of the bench passing out waters, towels, and high fives.

Klay Thompson: I am not even totally convinced that this guy is a human. This picture is kind of freaking me out.  That’s an ugly dude.  You can’t look like a freak and be a star.  So why draft this guy in the lottery? You are wasting your time.

  Davis Bertans: Albino guy from Lithuania…


Boston Bruins Still Killing It…to the Tune of $156,679

June 22, 2011 Leave a comment

I always dreamed of winning the Stanley Cup when I was a kid, and I didn’t even know about the partying that came along with Stanley.  Bruins had a decent night at the Foxwoods Casino I’d say.  $31,000…in just tips and taxes.  Brad Marchand and Tyler Seguin are everywhere. They haven’t stopped partying since they won the Cup.  Seguin is killing every bar in Boston as a 19 year-old. Teen pregnancy in Massachusetts is going up by like 30% at least this summer thanks to Seguin.  How do I get in the posse of this group? Every entourage needs a Turtle.

UPDATE: Seguin and Marchand still partying…



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